Stressed out step parent needs help!

[mom2/7]

I have just been so stuck on this issue and I'm not quite sure which way to go about it. I have a Step son who is 14 years old, and is driving me nuts. When he came to live with us every chance he got he would hurt the other childer (7 step siblings) hitting, wrestling and pinching them knocking them down, name calling, and bullying. I have tried to talk with him and reminded him of the rules as well as chores and consequences. At the same time I fought with his dad about the same rules for everyone "equal" is all I wanted in our home. In the end me and my children (and his dad) ended up being his maid, cook, slave etc. at the same time things started going missing, money, ipods, games. When a mess was made my kids got blamed as well as accused of stealing. He would hang up naked pictures of women and had no limit to what he could watch on television or on video games, I even caught him looking at porno on the internet as well as on tv. He would lie and take off, come home whenever he wanted to and even stole his dads car to run around with a girl. Each time there were no consequences he was allowed to go out the next day, when one of my children (they're his too) came home late from a school activity and didn't do their chores because it was late, dad was always so quick to point it out, but did not notice when his son didn't do his. So my child would have to do double chores the next day, I resented him for all this. My kids were hurting so much emotionally, and physically, that after I had my yongest son, I left. One day while he was at work I packed up my things and withdrew my kids and left. It's been 6 months since we've been gone and he has noticed a lot of things, the lying, the stealing, and the name calling has all come out, all the things that he blamed my kids for was not true. He even saw it for himself, because no one else was in the home so he was the only one to take things. While we were gone he was sneaking a girl into the home, and eventually she got pregnant, so here he is 14 years old and going to be a dad. I did everything I could to be a mother to this boy even gave him a bit more attention then my other children, and he now refers to me as his dads B***h A GF, and her B***h A kids. ( his dads own children) So my dilemma is that his dad wants us to return to the home, and thinks we can work things out. I think that there is no way, because I refuse to go back and he refuses to take him back to his mom (she raised him). I think our relationship is done with, he thinks it's not, I cannot get him to see the pain that his son has caused, yet he still goes out of his way to make him happy knowing that he has 7 other children who are struggling to keep food on the table, they deserve to go to the movies, get new things, but everytime payday comes he takes him shopping, and the other kids get nothing. I was losing my hair having anxiety attacks and getting myself sick, my daughter ran away and threatened suicide. If anyone saw them now and how happy they are you would have never guessed we all went through that. Is there any advice that anyone can give me on this issue, I seriously think that nothing here can be fixed and that I have to continue on my own with this journey. Do I have a right to give him that ultimatum?

[lou]

absolutely you have the right to give him that ultimatum. it sounds as though you were in a horrible situation and he did nothing to remedy that and in fact was part of it. It further sounds as though he's still done nothing to attempt to set things right even though he now realizes just how wrong he was. If you truely feel that it can't be fixed then it can't. you can't go back in that relationship thinking like that, it would turn into a self fullfilling prophecy, you believe something will happen and because of that belief it will as you'll be looking for it or set yourself up for it to happen. I say until he truely makes a vast effort to remedy teh situation and ease your feelings that it won't work, then stay away.

[MommaC]

I'm all about people working hard to make their marriages work, but I really don't think that you can return to that situation. If the son was to be sent to boarding/reform school or if Dad was to get a clue about parenting, I'd say, "Give it a whirl." But you're right--you do have to protect the safety of your children. Do you love Dad? If so, let him know that and explain that you're doing this on behalf of your children. Don't throw your kids into upheaval if you can't guarantee the situation is going to work. If Dad is willing, I'd encourage you both to attend counseling together. It sounds like Dad has some parenting and marital issues to work out.... I wish you the best of luck :)

[charliesmommy]

Wow, you poor thing and your poor children. I say stay away. Your kids do not need to have their childhoods ripped from them by a 14 year old whose father doesn't teach him right from wrong. Our first responsibility as parents is to raise our kids to be respectful to others giving them the foundation to be a possitive part of society. Your childrens' father is definitely falling short. You did the right thing by leaving and you should stay away to protect your babies.

[firebabe]

1st thing that needs to done is that 14 year old needs to be beat, and hard. sounds like the kid is a mence. Im sure he will wind up in prison eventually if dad doesnt step in. I wouldnt got back to your hubby. sounds like he is not conserned about his other kids. if he was smart he wouldnt give the 14 nothing. the kids needs to get a job and support his kid and daddy needs to stop enabling him to be such a little A**. If dad were only to give im the basics ie; food and shelter then maybe the kids will realize. but you need to stop stressing. stay away for the situtaion. if you are struggleing to put food on the table go to court and get the money you need for your 7 kids (wow you must be saint)

[annasmom150]

I wish I had an answer that would solve your problems- but all I can offer is understanding and sympathy. My best friend (for over 20 years now) was recently remarried a couple of years ago. She has a 6 yr old son from her first marriage and he has 2 kids, a 16 yr old girl and a 11 yr old boy. Her son lives with them while his kids are at their mom's with visitation EOW with additional summer weeks throughout.
Before they were married the problems began. His kids are something else. The girl was just your typical pre-teen but sometimes annoying. The boy was a whole other story. Mean, hurtful, vicious little boy. My friend was afraid to discipline his kids for fear of tall tales to their equally vindictive mother. For over 5 years I've sat and watched my friend struggle with this child who is such an angry boy that all he wants to do is hurt them.
I try to be understanding of his situation. Mom left dad for another woman. The kids live with mom and her partner. Mom is angry (not completely sure why though- she left....) so she has no qualms about shoving negativity down the kids throats every chance she gets. My friend is at her wits end. She finally just told her husband that when the kids are with them, she will no longer be left alone with his son. He must make other arrangments (i.e. an aunt, etc) because she is actually scared of this 11 yr old boy. He threatens her son. He is destructive. I could keep going on. Fortunatly, her DH is aware of these issues and is supportive of her decision. They started taking this boy to counselling several years ago and unfortunatly, it really didn't help. Sure, it gave them insight into his behavior, but he's still the same nasty little boy....
It's just so sad to see a family torn apart by the obvious angry lashing-outs of a child. I agree with everyone else who says you made the right choice to leave and remove your own children from your step-son's influence. Your husband needs to step up to the plate and either make this child accountable for his actions- or he may just have to accept the choice he's made between that child and the rest of his kids. I am so sorry. As crappy as the situation is, know that you made the right choice for your kids. That alone makes you a great Mom!!

[APEMBERTON]

First Congrats On How You Are Handling The Situation. Second You Have To Do Whats Right For Your Children!! If You Still Love Him & Think There Is A Possbility Of Him Changing Then I Would Give Him A Chance To Sit Down & Talk. I Def. Wouldn't Go Back Until He Proves Himself To You. If He Is Going To Make Him Mind & Make Him Get A Job & Be Responsible Then Maybe. Otherwise Your Children Are More Important & There Is Too Much Riding On This If You Have Any Doubts What-so-ever. Oh & You Def. Have The Right To Give Him An Ultimatum!!! Without A Doubt!!!! Good Luck!!!

[mom2/7]

I love my DH dearly, but I told him from the very beginning that my children will always come first, no matter what. My whole life revolves around them. He thinks that it will take getting used to (for the kids), I feel that it would just be misery for all of them. So, what I feel is better to stay away, the step son is always going to be there no matter how I look at it. So it is better off that we are not, I have a son with ADHD and cannot afford for him to get tips from his step brother. Now the parents are in a battle over him, who is going to keep him; trying to put the responsibility on the other. The mom has raised him to hate me, and has put it in his head that he is his dads only son. He has already been to juvenile, but dad raced over to get him out, knowing what he did. I tell my kids if you commit a crime you will stay in there until they are ready to set you free, mom will not come to get you out, those are the consequences to your actions. I thank you all for your responses, for the first time in my parenting career I was doubting myself, because it included my DH. The bad part is that when the step son wasn't around he was very patient with our kids, he was the type that would drop everything and go play catch with the kids, jump rope with the girls. Teach our ball players how to shoot, catch, bat, and spike. Was teaching them how to fix cars, and fix things around the house. He would even let the girls do his hair, even though he shaves it off most of the time, he would still sit and let them do it. But when the step son was around, then the guy we knew was gone. The thing that frustrated me the most is when he would get my son and his to go out and fix a bike or the quad, the step son would always make an excuse and come inside and hide in his room or go on the computer, while my son stayed out there helping his dad, sweating like crazy and working hard. When it was all finished and it needed to be tested he would send my son in to call his son and tell him how it was running and let him test it out, the joy of accomplihment was shared with his son who did nothing. As for my son one day he worked 2 days straight on his dads blazer to go mud bogging, and it was his son who got to sit in front and share it with him, my son came in so frustrated and angry that he cried, and so did I. It's things like that I try to tell him and he does not see it, and I am not sure why. But thank you moms again for the support, I hope that I can someday return the favor!