no sex 4 months after Baby's Birth

[Charliesdaddy]

Me and my beautiful missus used to have an incediable sex life but as soon as she found out she was pregnant it all stopped. we had sex about 4 times whilst she was pregnant and since the bith nothing. i tried talking to her about it and she tells me if i dont like it i can leave. i know all the women come up with excuse but i just want to hear what the dads have to say about this. i dont want to come across like thats all i want but she wont even let me touch her she just pushes me away unless she wants to be tickled whilst she watches tv. i dont know what to do i have tried everything

[dontknow]

Here's my "take".

4 months is way too soon to expect too much for the "average" couple in the way of sex after birth.

I recall after 4 months - we were both exhausted and stressed to the max trying to settle into the new norm (if that was possible). Not to mention she may still be in some sort of discomfort and may not feel "attractive" due to the physical changes that have occurred.

Not to mention, be sure there's no PPD at hand - at any level.

Are you helping out enough to make her life easier? Now's the time to put some personal interests on hold should that be the case and give as much help and support in the way of mom and baby care possible - without being asked. House work, shopping and helping out with child care can help a lot. Be sure to give her a night/day out to herself while you take over. She needs to have "me" time.

You may be looking at a symptom and not a cause - so dig deep in the overall situation and be sure nothing else needs to be addressed which may (or may not) help the intimacy.

[smileyd]

Don’t fret my friend!! She will warm up once she has lost the baby weight and you both get into a rhythm of taking care of the baby. This is a team effort, but don’t forget; you where the coach on the sidelines while she was making the big play. Would you what to jump back in the sack after you just pushed a bowling ball out your ***?? Spend some time cuddling with her and the baby, take over some the “motherly” duties; and be the real father that you can be. I changed my baby boy’s first diaper and then many more, I rubbed her feet, and I took care of and held my baby so that she could take a nap. That is what being a father is all about, because, trust me, it will all come back to you 10 fold once she realized what a proud and sexy father you can be. Plus, that time that you and just you spend with your baby will put a peaceful smile on your face when they get older and it is all “Mommy”.

[frenchmommy]

I'm sorry to post on the "dad only" forum, but this subject speaks to me. My heart goes out to you! I know how hard this can be... my husband and I had sex about once a week during my second pregnancy, but something weird happened for me that time, that did not happen during my first pregnancy: when we made love, I did not feel ANY pleasure. It wasn't uncomfortable or painful, not even disagreeable -I just felt numb instead of excited -that was so scary!! We waited 6 or 8 weeks (I can' remember which) after the delivery to have sex again, and it took me over a year to feel in love and excited again to have intimate moments with my husband. It is very hard to go from "mommy mode" to "sexy lover" mode, especially when you do not feel sexy, and when all you want to do is sleep... a baby invades on your privacy so much (he/she is pretty much glued to you 24/7 in the first months!) that when you get a chance to be alone, of course you have a hard time having your husband demand your attention in turn... for a women, it feels like it never ends, that you never stop giving and caring for someone!!
It sounds like you are being amazingly patient with your wife -so my advice would be to keep doing what you're doing, which is loving her. Maybe have a very friendly and no-pressure open talk with her on the subject (which is what my husband did with me several times), or write her a loving letter explaining your own needs and how much you understand her point of view + how much you love her, and voice several open options in which it makes her feel like not one of you will get their own way, but you can reach a compromise together (you could tell her that you wouldn't think of leaving her, but that this is so important to you, and that for a woman, sex is above all emotional, but for a man it is mostly physical -to start with!- therefore since you've been deprived of it for so long it is very wearing on you. Try to describe in a loving way how it feels to you to be rejected -she very probably does not fully undertstand what you are going through... I know I wouldn't have, if my husband had not told me! Tell her that you would be a happier husband and father if she could help you out a bit, even just once a week, and that on the long run she would be a winner too because you'd be so much more awesome at coping with life! Best of luck :)

[Dad2Be]

I've posted on a similar subject in this forum.

As soon as my wife found out she was pregnant, she wanted nothing to do with me. Our incredible son is now 3 months old, and she still doesn't. She has no interest in sex, and barely any physical interest in me other than an occasional good-night kiss.

We "tried" sex 3 times during the pregnancy, and have tried once since birth. Nothing. We talked about it yesterday, and made a "date" to try again tonight. I cooked dinner when I got home from work (wife is still home from work with the baby - teacher on summer break), 7 year old son is with grandparents this week. I cleaned the kitchen. Cleaned the living room. Changed the baby a couple of times, fed him twice. I suggested getting him in bed around 9 so we could go to bed too. She wanted to update new pictures to Facebook first. Then she needed to pump. Now nearly 11. Her response when I ask if we're still on for the date..."You still wanna try this late? And I'm gross. I haven't showered today." She makes it sound like she's exhausted and just wants to go to bed. but now she's just watching TV downstairs, having a snack, looking at her fucking Facebook account again.

I could scream.

How do you deal with a spouse who has ZERO interest in you physically? How do you deal with a spouse who makes no effort whatsoever to address your physical needs for nearly a year? This is so unbelievably frustrating.

[joeysmom0419]

Sorry to intrude on the fathers forum, but I think this is a topic I can help on. Now I can't say my boyfriend is in your position since I'm very sex driven, but after we had our son my sex drive didn't exist. I didn't feel sexy or pretty enough to have sex. I felt gross and I even told my boyfriend that I did. He said the most amazing thing in the world. He looked me in the eyes and told me that no matter what he loved me. He would love me when I was gross, when I was pretty and that no matter what happened or didn't happen he would be happy and love me. Pretty much saying even if we didn't have sex he would be okay.

My advice being a women and knowing how it feels to be turned off, my advice is let your wife/girlfriend no that its not all about sex. Start with cuddling. Suggest her taking a relaxing bath. Make her feel special. The little things you do, without implying sex are usually the biggest turn ons. And tell her every day she's beautiful and how much you love her. Be patient though.

[Gibby411]

Hey I know this is a late post and I am a mom not a dad, but it took a good 6 months before it was no longer painful to have sex and almost a year before I was achieving an orgasim. Give your wife time also if she is nursing all drive is gone. All of her hormones are working to help produce her milk. If you really want to help get things going be sure to pitch in and give her a little break. You may find her hot but she is in mom mode and to be honest that is not too sexy in the begining. Good luck things will get back on track.

[daddysmymommy]

Hey, Dad2Be . . . I'm curious what your sex life was like before your son came around? Similar? Or is this an obvious change?

[Lyuda]

Wait.!!!!!!!! Please, or please,waaaaait!wanted to scream to my husband! No sex! No touch, no kiss! I don't want! For 9 months after the birth. Now is ok! Thank you, my love for waiting!

[GeekDad]

Wait.!!!!!!!! Please, or please,waaaaait!wanted to scream to my husband! No sex! No touch, no kiss! I don't want! For 9 months after the birth. Now is ok! Thank you, my love for waiting!

How long is too long (to wait)?

Our daughter is 14 months old, and our sex life is still a big "don't care" for the wife. Like Dad2Be, my wife will usually find ANYTHING that is more important than making time for us to be a couple instead of just friends who share a kid.

On the rare night when we can get the baby down early, she'll find every reason possible to do something else. Date nights? Penciled-in at best, and subject to cancellation at any moment.

And before the well-meaning ladies start asking: I run the effing house. I do the cooking, the dishes, the shopping, prep the baby for daycare, do the drop-off and most of the pick-ups, and have forgone nearly every hobby that used to bring me pleasure just to have time to keep things from falling apart. Aside from playing with the baby for an hour while I cook and playing her gameboy while rocking the baby to sleep, her life and responsibilities have net-changed almost zero.

I know carrying and delivering the baby was an epic feat, but we started this process nearly two years ago now, and its time for us to be a couple again.

[daddysmymommy]

GeekDad, have you guys talked about this?

[GeekDad]

GeekDad, have you guys talked about this?

As much as she is willing to. We did some counseling sessions, and I have tried repeatedly to engage her on the topic. What it comes down to: Intimacy and our romantic relationship is apparently just not important to her. She flat-out states that it is not something she thinks about, or cares about. This is also not really a post-pregnancy issue for us. We have struggled with this issue for years and years before getting pregnant.

[bjbillinger]

GeekDad I feel ya. My wife is pregnant with our first and we've only had sex a handful of times since she got pregnant. I can do anything and everything to help her around the house go on dates and still nothing. She will even mention that its a possibility and then nothing or she forgets about it. I have talked to her about it and she knows how much it frustrates me. Our sex life was fine before our marriage and then as soon "as i put a ring on it" bam its gone and I have crawl, plead, and beg for it. And without getting to personal... there are ways I've been able to tell that she has pleasured herself. And I think to myself... am I not physically attractive to her, she says that I am. So what is a guy to think when all this is going on?

I'm fearful of what the post pregnancy will bring.

[strawberysrgood]

well i am not a dad obviously, i am a 20 year old mom to a 5 month old and i am pregnant again, but i thought i would put my two sense in since it might be good to hear a womens perspective, i cant really say much because these situations are not a problem with me and my fiance. i do know that sometimes it does take a while for a woman to feel "sexy" again and it might be the last thing on there mind while trying to take care of a baby. however, i am breastfeeding exclusivly so my fiance has never had to wake up in the night to help or really do anything, i stay at home also so if any woman was to have an excuse to "be tired", or "stressed out" it would be someone like me who does everything, and dont get me wrong my fiance is an AWSOME father and does what he can but he works to make the money so i dont ask him of much and were happy, now where i was going with this was im not sure why your wives or girlfriends wouldnt want to have sex, its basically the top thing to keep a relationship happy and together and i have been tired and still done at least something for my fiance because the way i view it, being in a relationship is a two way street so if your wives think they dont have to please you there must be a problem and i would reccomend a once a week date night even if its not sex right away just talking to try a mend whatever might be wrong with the sexdrive, and letting her talk and makeing her feel like a sexy woman, not just a mom, again, might help. :) i hope that gave a little insight if not im sorry.

[bjbillinger]

talk and makeing her feel like a sexy woman, not just a mom, again, might help.


That's all well and good but... I can bend over backwards doing things around the house, and doing what I think makes her feel sexy and hott and all that stuff. But still nothing. She says she still feels huge, ginormous, and fat. So what do you do when your woman doesn't believe it when you say that she looks absolutely incredible.

I'm not saying what women are doing as they are pregnant shouldn't be considered a miracle... but there is another person involved in the relationship and if they aren't happy... that's when problems start to happen. If you exhaust all forms of communicating about it too... then what are you supposed to do.

Can someone answer my why a man's sex drive goes up during a pregnancy but a woman's goes down (well all the books say its supposed to go up but it really doesn't)? To me that doesn't make sense.

We've got a date night planned for this upcoming week so we will see what happens then.

[JoeyDsDaddy]

If I were you and my wife was acting that way... I'd honestly get "reaquainted" with myself again if you know what I mean. Not as good as the real thing, but "she" won't turn you away for her facebook account will she? lol

[Karen75]

Can someone answer my why a man's sex drive goes up during a pregnancy but a woman's goes down (well all the books say its supposed to go up but it really doesn't)? To me that doesn't make sense.

Hormones. I can't speak for others, but for me it's hormones. The one thing I hated about the birth control pill was that it killed my sex drive (kinda defeating the purpose). Biologically it probably makes sense, as the whole point of sex is procreation, so why should the body crave sex after successfully accomplishing this goal? Pregnancy did the same thing for me as the pill, but even moreso. Not only did I lose interest, but I became hypersensitive to touch. Sex was extremely painful, and something as simple as a nipple caress was irritating. I'm hoping things get better after delivery/recovery, as I do feel bad for my husband. He may understand the reasons, but he still feels rejected I'm sure.

[bjbillinger]

He may understand the reasons, but he still feels rejected I'm sure.

And thats the truth. We do feel rejected.

I will say I was a bit harsh in my comments earlier. Things have been better after I told my wife that some of my needs are not being met. And she finally understood and said she realized that I was picking up alot of slack around the house and should be rewarded every now and then and that I was doing everything I could to make sure her needs were being met and she never thought twice about my needs.

I fully understand that every pregnancy is different. And that some women their sex drive either sky rockets or is non-existent. And either way its hard on the man (no pun intended) be it that he can't keep up or he needs to help himeself.

[Dazed]

My wife and I have a six week old and from the time my wife was pregnant till now I haven't had sex or any real affection from my Wife. I ask her but she gets defensive and tells me she's tired or needs to put all her time into the baby and her mother who is visiting from Japan to help out. Mind you that I work my own business and come home to cook, clean, laundry and help with diapers and feeding with or little one. I love my wife but have become so depressed, lonely and feelings of neglect by my wife. I'm not as much missing sex then the void feeling of holding, kissing and the love talk that she is aware can make even my worst days easy to get through. I want to know where my wife went and if anyone else has gone through this?

[allywithlove]

Sorry to all the dads with problems at home. Have you asked you're wife if shes scared to have sex since having the baby? I can tell you from experience that i was scared to death. You here horror stories from women about the first time they ever had sex. . . . .well i can tell you, the first time after baby is 10 times worse than your first time ever. Personally, my episotomy(sp?) hurt for almost a year. It made sex so painful that i would cry. Maybe start by asking your wife is this a problem or concern. Good luck to all of you.

[EventPlanningMommy]

Wow, I have a girlfriend going through this exact same thing, but its the other way around! Her husband doesnt seem interested. Their baby is about 3 months old and she's been doing everything around the house for the family in order to gain time with the hubby, but all he wants to do is sleep! Now grant it, he works all day and takes the baby at night so that she can rest, but when she tries to make a move, he says he's too tired. He actually told her he couldn't even lay with her! What???!!! I don't know what to tell her or what to think... What do you all say?

[mum2mum]

For those who wish to restore the same way you make love like before, check out 'Sex After Marriage' from http://www.mumsafari.com/for-mum-to-be

[Dad2Be]

My frustrations with my wife continue, more than 4 months after delivery of our incredible son, who's doing great. He's a little rock star. And his big brother loves being a big brother and making his little brother laugh.

My wife simply is not interested in me.
Not just sex. She's not interested in me. And it' troubling.

I had to travel for work for 5 days last week (left mid-day Saturday, home Wednesday late afternoon). She was very emotional before I left, and every day, at least one teary-eyed voicemail and/or phone call, about work is stressful, the kids are exhausting, she wishes she didn't depend on me for so much...and we worked out the arrangements so her mother was here to help with everything the entire time I had to be gone.

The day I was flying home, she said she was so excited to see me, and missed me so much. I got home a little before 6, and she was just "I'm so glad you're home. There are a ton of things that need to get done." A quick hug, and that's it. I'm not expecting a Roman triumph or anything, but it's like she didn't miss me, she missed what I do around the house and for the family, even though her mom was here to help her the whole time.

Then last weekend she had her college homecoming. We had planned for a few weeks that she would go to this, baby would spend the weekend with grandparents, and I would stay home with the 7 year old because he had a soccer game and a birthday party to go to, and I felt she really needed a break from everything, go have a fun weekend with her girlfriends from college, who she doesn't get to see very often.

Weekend went fine, and when she came home, she was all frisky and can't wait for tonight. We get dinner taken care of, I clean up the kitchen, kids in bed. It's about 3 hours after she got home. And she's right back to where she was. "I'm just so tired. I'm going to bed." "But what about us?" "I can't keep my eyes open."

I'm about at the point where I just throw up my hands and say "I give up."
It's not like I'm some idiot prom date trying to get my hand up her shirt or something. I'm her husband. We've been married nearly 2 years, dated 2 years prior to that. Our sex life was phenomenal. Then sex became a "job" while getting pregnant, then as soon as she saw the plus sign on the stick, she was physically done with me. It feels like now my only purpose in our marriage is to cook dinner, clean the kitchen, get the kids ready for daycare/school every day, get HER ready to leave the house every day, go to work and work my ass off, come home, and do it all again.

Bottom line - this doesn't feel like much of a marriage anymore. It's barely feels like a relationship beyond indentured servitude any longer.

Guys, I have no advice, only shared frustrations. I will say, though, that if you are a guy who can score a ton of brownie points and land extra sex from your wife by occasionally washing some dishes or throwing in a load of laundry or cooking dinner sometimes, count yourself lucky and go find something else to worry about.

And I know several moms and expecting moms read this forum, so I'll offer the ladies advice, too, from a man's perspective:
The moment you start to consider sex as some kind of "reward for good behavior" by your husband, your relationship is done. I'm not kidding. We men may be "simple" creatures at times, but believe me when I tell you that we are not stupid, and we recognize when we're being played, and resent every bit as much as you may. We also recognize when you no longer have interest in us...some of us simply choose not to acknowledge or care about it, if the simple physical need is met every once in a while. But that's not me. And from the sound of it, that's not a lot of the guys who have posted about this frustrating issue over and over and over again, who take the time to be actively and intensely involved as a parent and partner for the kid(s), who don't think it's selfish to desire sex or even intimate attention from the women they love.

Magic solutions anyone?

[scojo100]

Note to the mom's reading: First off kudos to you for trying to get a man's perspective. There's a lot of pent up anger on these Dad to Dad blogs but that's mainly because we have been told to bottle everything up all these years so by the time we are frustrated enough type at strangers, we have the volume turned waaay up. However, if you read between the lines, there are a lot of good tips on what real guys are thinking. Also, feel free to skip over the "mad at dad whiners." Those of us that are pulling our own weight showed that article to our wives and laughed. I asked for a raise:)

In respect to this topic and this sight in general, it needs a good bartender. I've heard it all from both men and women and there are reliable fixes unless it's really broken. By broken, reread the "geekdad" variety who is in a real jam because the sex life was not on par before kids and counseling didn't work so how long does he grind it out? Geekdad, I'm not picking on you and I'm not a fan of divorce but not a fan of raising kids in a caustic home either. Go back to counseling and find an answer, even if its the one you are avoiding. Most of the rest of you will just have to wait it out for six months or until breast feeding is done and she'll come calling to your side of the bed. That knowledge doesn't make it easier.

Back to the ladies, I'll put some more thought towards the reliable fixes. For those of you that know your man is doing his part or more and your ignoring him, conversation and creativity are the key. I'm years into having kids consecutively and know what it's like to go 18 months without intimacy and it does mess with our heads. Sorry for the Star Wars reference but you married Han Solo and now you're treating him like Luke Skywalker. When you are pregnant he will start out dutiful and stand by your side because his buddies have similar stories. Post pregnancy he will start out dutiful, then hopeful but that turns to irritated and finally bitter. If sex is really out of the question, then find other ways to please him that don't require penetration. If you can't get there, sit him down and tell him why, that you know this is hard to feel ignored and reassure him that it is just temporary. Just that alone will go a long way.

If you're past your maternity grace period (you will know before we do) and realize you are just not that into your husbands, talk to your doctor and therapist. Most likely, one of them will find that trigger that will find you wanting your Han Solo back. After all, no woman wants to stay married to their brother.

[boxingrobes]

Okay so I might be a little late to this thread but it was certainly some interesting, entertaining & depressing reading. The stories from some of the men make me angry at people with vaginas.

My beautiful wife gave birth to our 3rd child two months ago, so I'm coming from similar experience here, I know what it’s like to be in a loving relationship & deal with the struggles of marriage, work, family, kids, hobbies et al. It’s not easy. What makes it easier is going to bed at the end of the day with someone you love dearly & is a true partner. For most all men & apparently my wife, this involves intimacy. Enough with the rambling, we are all adults capable of understanding what goes into a meaningful & loving marriage.

Now reading some of the attitudes/responses from the women here, including those conveyed via the men’s postings, I am really irked, amazed & left in utter wonderment by the attitude of some women.

First off, to the guy (GeekDad?) who said his sex life was nonexistent prior to marriage, let alone children; I’m sorry brother, move on, all hope is lost. Godspeed.

And let me say this; a lot of the issues/excuses (from the wives) are just plain repulsive. My advice/warning to women with the attitude of "my baby is my priority & I'm no longer concerned about sex & my man's needs because I'm tired/fat/gross/breastfeeding/busy/etc." is this: men want to stick it in places. Warm places. Some men don't care which place. Some men don't care which place on what woman. You should be happy that your husbands want to engage in sexual activities with you. Continually giving them the cold shoulder will end up with you being a single mother. Trust me. Most normal men won't put up with the type of bitchy attitudes of what appears to be a typical post-pregnancy wife (just based on reading this thread).

I can completely understand reduced sex during the final 2 trimesters of pregnancy. Once a week would be acceptable in the latter stages. Frequent blowjobs can provide a pleasant alternative. A good hand job is a lost art these days that most men will appreciate. I rubbed my wifes back, feet, tended to house chores & additional kid duties (she’s a stay-at-home mom, I work & provide the income)….it’s not out of the question for me to expect some reciprocation. If I sound completely out of line to some females then we’ve just witnessed reason #1 why your not my wife.

Now for post-pregnancy; it’s traumatic on your va-jay-jay’s, I realize that. Some women are champs, some get torn apart like a freight train at peak speed surging through a sheet of drywall. Every situation is different. Every recovery is unique. But last time I checked babies weren’t birthed via the mouth, so it’s not out of the realm of possibility to consider taking one for the team & putting in some oral work. Your upper lips have not been ravished. The doc didn’t slit your cheek to make for room for little Abigail to say hello to the world.

Personally, my wife was pretty much itching for sex after about 4 weeks (right around the time she desired to make her return to the wine party, no correlation at all I’m sure). Now we’re not talking sex every day here, the newborn didn’t sleep, was constantly attached to a boob & was generally a complete pain in the ass, but that didn’t mean all desire to be intimate was lost. It didn’t happen as often as I’d like (daily, sometimes twice a day) initially, and we’d go days or even weeks without sex, but the key here is that the desire was still there. I knew this & my wife told me this frequently. She often commented that she felt sorry for how deprived I was sexually & would even ask if I would like some “assistance” jerking off (she’s a great wife). This earns major points in my book. Just the fact that she’d acknowledge that she was completely worn out, felt like a whale & just wanted 2-3 consecutive hours of uninterrupted sleep yet still realized that I was not having my needs met was a huge help. Just knowing that my wife still wanted to be intimate with me, still cared about my needs & feeling, even if just for 60 seconds a day while the other 86,340 seconds she spent boob feeding a newborn & putting out the latest toddler fire of the day meant a lot to me.

We’re now 2 months into this & it goes through phases. Some weeks are good, some weeks I’d rather be in a Turkish prison awaiting execution by dismemberment (drawn & quartered), but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. By 18 weeks I expect her to be fully back on the horse. Unit then I take what I can get & I am extremely grateful for having a wife that even acknowledges my needs as a man. But I guess that’s part of what makes her a great wife. Apparently some (and when I say some I mean the average woman) don’t feel it is a “job” of theirs to pleasure their man & ensure his needs are met. It’s hardly rocket science women. Make your man happy & I can nearly guarantee that he’ll make you & your family happy. Take one for the team ladies, baby bellies & newborns notwithstanding.

Cheers.

[jlucas5110]

This is also not really a post-pregnancy issue for us. We have struggled with this issue for years and years before getting pregnant.

I don't really understand. You were unhappy with this aspect for a while now, still chose to be with her and get her pregnant, and are still mad because nothing has changed? I can't really feel sorry for you when you should have gotten out in the beginning knowing how unhappy you were, not waiting until after having a child with her and only now deciding that you're having enough.

[jlucas5110]

You seem to me to be a super d!ck. What, limited sex during the final trimester is understandable, but at no other time? Screw you. I had hyperemesis. I couldn't stand without literally throwing up where I was standing. None of the meds worked for me. I was in and our of the hospital ER and L&D MULTIPLE times... 7 in 4 months I think. I was literally in bed for 4 months.. missed work and out on FMLA. It lasted from week 5 to week 28. It was awful. I was not able to have sex but thrice during that time. My husband appreciated not being thrown up on. Post baby, we've tried multiple times. Unfortunately my birth control made me bleed for 3 weeks, and the antidote, which is estrogen, hurts my heart so that was out of the question, and doing it on my period only causes what feels like a rug burn in my vagina during and for several hours after. He absoutely cannot get off if he knews I'm in pain, even if I tell him he can keep going if he can make it happen in a minute or two. Then I got a severe yeast infection from antibiotics. Skin was peeling off when I wiped. We tried it 6 days after meds, but it felt like I was being ripped apart. We've been able to finish during sex maybe 3 times. The rest have been hj's since I also have TMJ which causes me to be unable to open my mouth for anything bigger than a peeled banana, and if it's open for too long or I try to push it open too wide, it WILL get stuck open. Had that happen while brushing my teeth. Handy j's are getting really old and it takes him forever. So while I'm actively trying to please him, don't be such an ignorant jerk. Also, oral sex for some women is not an option or acceptable. And for those women, their men knew that going in to it, so they have no room to complain if they're not getting a bj.

Side note, biologically speaking, once a woman is knocked up she has no biological need to have sex. Her job is done until her desire or need to have another baby kicks in. Sorry, but that's how it is. If you can say that it's a man's need to have sex and they'll get it from somewhere, then recognize that biology affects both sides of the coin, not just one.

[GeekDad]

I don't really understand. You were unhappy with this aspect for a while now, still chose to be with her and get her pregnant, and are still mad because nothing has changed? I can't really feel sorry for you when you should have gotten out in the beginning knowing how unhappy you were, not waiting until after having a child with her and only now deciding that you're having enough.

What's not to understand? My wife is far more than a sexual object to me. I love her, and I love having a child with her. She's a great mom and a fantastic partner with the one exception that we are wildly sexually incompatible. The fact that the rest of our life together has been so good is what made me slow to realize the importance of our one failing in my overall happiness.

I've never asked anyone to feel sorry for me, I started my original thread as a therapeutic exercise and specifically said I wasn't really seeking advice or comment. From that thread I received more validation and support than I expected, though I'm a bit sorry I've become the gold-standard for a dad in a "truly stuck" situation around here.

The point I tried to make in my original thread was that I had always known I was unhappy with our sex life, but having a child has definitely changed my perspective - and the stakes of the game.

Without children, I'd guess that the likely outcome for my marriage would have been a couple more years of begrudgingly trying to accommodate my wife's lack of libido, followed by me doing something stupid*, followed by me losing my ass in a divorce. *The something stupid being equally likely to be infidelity or violent outburst, both things I would regret for the rest of my life.

With a child in the mix the importance of trying to work this out goes WAAY up. Not just for the sake of "the marriage", but also because having a baby has made me realize how important it is for me to model how I want HER to live her life. I'd like it if she learns my patience, but I'd hate for that patience to turn into stoicism or passivity and for her to end up unhappy for as long as I have been.

Perhaps I should have ended my relationship with my wife long ago, but aside from being a thought wasted on the past, it's also painful to consider now. If I had done that, I wouldn't have the wonderful child I have today. It's hard for me not to think that if I were to get splattered by a bus tomorrow (or after 30 more years in a sexless marriage), it still would somehow be "worth it", on some level. Hopefully there's a happier ending where I get the awesome daughter with the wife I love AND manage to have the sex life I deserve, eh?