View Full Version : some advice...
05-14-2010, 01:14 AM
I am a single parent on a 3 yr old little boy.His father is completely not involved in our lives. The last time he saw my son , Joshua was 2 months old. At that point he had only seen him maybe 4 times after leaving the hospital. My pregnancy was unplanned and it was not a good relationship. The major problem is that his father is a drug addict. When I met him he was in recovery. However at somepoint he relapsed. To make a long story short, I started noticing signs and then found drugs when I was pregnant. I confronted him and after numerous arguments he left. I called him when I was at the hospital to have the baby and he arrived high and created major distruption that involved hospital staff. All of these highs and lows followed by his tears and begging and me feeling sorry for him and torn with wanting the ideal of him being in Joshua's life. But enough was enough.The last time he saw us, I gave him an ultimatum of drugs or us. He chose the drugs. I knew at the time it was what I had to do. But now Joshua is noticing that other kids have a dad and he doesn't. What am I supposed to say? I don't want to lie but I also don't want to overload him. I don't want him to ever blame himself nor do I want him to try and find/contact his father at some point in the future being as I don't know what condition he will be at that time. And even though it is early for it now, I do want him to be aware that he has a family history of addiction and he needs to be consious of it. But now I just don't know what to say.
05-14-2010, 02:41 PM
Your situation sounds very similar to my own. And what I'd suggest is keep it age appropriate. My son is 5 now and his father has been in our lives off and on for that time.
Right now it's off, and I had to explain to my boy why. See my son's father is in a tumultuous relationship (and that's putting it lightly). About a month or so ago there was a domestice dispute which resulted in my son's father being stabbed by his gf. After all was said and done, she was kicked out and told not to come back. Knowing how this situation usually plays out I told the FOMC: "If she comes back, my son's gone." Then (not surprisingly) he let her come back. So I took my son away (not "literally". They were having a party and my boy was with my parents.). The day after my discussion with the FOMC I explained to my son, "Son, I'm really sorry, but you're not going to be seeing your dad or Nana (son's grandmother, father's mother) anymore until we can figure something better out." Son asked me why so I explained further, "Well, you know I don't like you around daddy's girlfriend. Well, she was being really REALLY mean to your dad. And I don't want you seeing that happen to your dad. So until he can make sure you don't see that I don't think it's okay for you to be around them." He was sad and upset with me at first, but I told him it's okay if he's mad. He has every right to be. But just so he knows I'm always going to make sure HE'S okay first and foremost. And that I know it's confusing now, but someday he'll know why I did this.
So just tell your boy. You do have a father. But he was doing some bad things I don't want you to be apart of. I know you maybe upset and mad about that, but just so you know I love you and I will always make sure you're safe, and if you think you want to talk about it so you can understand better I'm here to tell you anything you want to know.
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