View Full Version : Help! My husband means well, but...
02-23-2008, 08:59 PM
My husband. What a guy. He really does mean well, but doesn't seem to listen. I have explained repeatedly (and heatedly, at times) how much I would value his assistance watching our 15 month old son. Even 15 minutes would help. I've tried bargaining: I ask him to watch the baby and I'll mow the lawn. Sometimes you just need to do something without the baby attached to your hip, you know?
Sorry to cut this short (I've gotten used to saying that). Got to run... no help, you know.
02-25-2008, 05:08 PM
I've had moments like that. When I've had a bad day, I'm ready to walk out the door when my husband comes home. I say, "good luck" and get in the car. I go for a drive, the book store, anywhere calm. I relax and have peace for a few minutes. Same thing with getting stuff done at home. I force fathering on him. I start doing something and ignore the kids until he picks up that it's his turn to be the responsible one. I've only done these things a few times and he's really better with them now. He comes home and says, "what do you need me to do?".
Also, your husband might not now exactly what you want him to do. So spell it out. It's your turn to feed the baby. You give the baby a bath. Baby needs daddy time. Things like that.
02-25-2008, 05:32 PM
Agree...some men (people in general) will just argue...you didn't ask for help...translation you didn't tell them exactly what to do and exactly when to do it.
What helped me?? I joined a bowling league (hey my husband was already on one, so I thought what's the dif?) on Wednesdays. My hubby knows that Wednesdays are his nights for the kids. I return the favor for him on Thursdays (his bowling nights) But somehow, the kids still seem to be awake when I get home and sometimes haven't had a bath!!!
Find something that you enjoy and schedule it on the family calendar. That way it's in writing and everyone knows that hey MOmmy has a life-if even for this one hour on this one night!!
02-25-2008, 07:21 PM
I have to spell it out for my husband when he has to watch Linc and I write down what his schedule is so he doesn't muck it up and I put it on the frig! I'm a schedule freak so we get in fights if I come home and he's off his schedule I tell my husband it's b/c I'm the one who suffers if he's out of schedule. I just walk into our home office (my husband loves to play poker online) and say here you've had a baby it's a boy!! ha ha. I just have to remind him don't forget tomorrow at 4 I'm going to get my toes done so Linc's yours? Hope it gets better but remind him that this is both your kid!
02-27-2008, 03:24 PM
How nice it is to read that most husbands are kind worthless at times. :)
I had the same problem with my wonderful husband when our daughter was born 16 months ago. I kept thinking he would just get it in gear at some point, but that never happened. I had to force fathering on him as well - and lucky for me he took to it pretty well after his intial irritation. In the beginning, I pointed out how much free time he seems to have and expressed my need for the same. He played poker every Friday night, so Wednesday nights became my bubble bath night. Seriously, he totally balked at me needing this time to myself. So, I went on strike! I told him I was going on strike and until he realized how unfair the workload was, I was staying on strike. It took 1 week of me refusing to do any of his laundry (I still did mine and the baby's), I didn't make him a plate at dinner (5 of the nights I didn't make dinner at all for him), and of course there was no bedroom action. I was surprised he made it a week.
Try not to force too much on him at one time however. While for some reason we as mother's are supposed to have this innate ability to take on motherhood, fathers don't seem to have that. I've slowly groomed my husband into one day every weekend that he is 'on duty'. Even if I just go upstairs to watch TV and fold laundry, I get my time to myself! And, honestly, he needs that one-on-one time with our daughter, as does she, even if he doesn't know it. I have to tell myself that every Sunday when he is mad at being cooped up with a toddler (he doesn't get that she's mobile and can leave the house, and would love to!). Try not to 'instruct' him on how to father while you're away - his style will be different from yours. I learned more on the fly than I ever learned from helpful advice from anyone. Give him room to learn on his own with the baby - I've learned that most of my husbands intial hands off approach had to do with him not feeling as though he was a good enough parent to do it alone.
Good luck - and stand your ground! You deserve time to yourself, and your husband should be responsible for more of the workload now that the workload has exponentially increased with the additonal family member.
02-27-2008, 06:06 PM
All of the other mom's have the right idea. Don't be afraid to stand your ground. Marriage and parenting are a partnership. I always have to remind my husband of that little fact. I went back to school to get my night off, and my husband still needs to do more around the house. Well, good luck.
02-27-2008, 10:37 PM
I know exactly how you feel! My very hard working husband is out of town about 50-70% of the year for work, so I'm the only one around to deal with my 3 1/2 year old and my 16 month old. When he does come home, he only wants to run his errands by himself, wash the cars and mow the lawn. We frequently discuss/argue about this issue, and he still doesn't really understand that there is a severely uneven workload on me. Since our first child was born, he has actually come a LONG way in at least attempting to help, and I'm happy for any kind of assistance I can get. But it takes a LOT of time for them to grow into parents while we moms just have to run with it even if we run in the wrong direction sometimes. Since it is nearly impossible for me to have a set "night out" because he is gone so much, I've lately worked on scheduling a sitter on certain weekends so that I can nap, work, clean or just leave the house alone. It is an amazing relief to be away for a short time. So if your husband won't get it no matter how hard you try to explain it, then just make your own plans for a sitter and get the breaks you need and deserve.
03-02-2008, 11:44 PM
When my firstborn was an infant, I had to point out to him that I came out of the nursery after bathing, feeding, and putting her to bed, to find dinner dishes on the table and him sitting on the couch reading the paper. What's fair about that? So I started by giving him a choice: you can bathe the baby, or you can clean up the kitchen after dinner. You can take her for a walk, or you can clean the bathrooms. And I made sure that I got out on my own every weekend, leaving him to fend for himself. I too had a schedule on the refrigerator so that he knew when to put kids down for naps, etc.
My husband is a wonderful, loving, supportive father and husband who nevertheless needed to be told exactly what I wanted and needed from him. It simply does not occur to some people to pitch in without a specific request. After six years of fatherhood, my husband will now come home, see a basket of clean laundry, and fold it on his own. He now sees a sink full of dishes as an invitation to load the dishwasher. But I still have to ask for certain things - and I think that's something that is hard for a lot of moms. We don't get why they don't just SEE and DO what needs to be done! But why ask why? My best friend likes to say, "If Mamma ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy!"
03-03-2008, 07:58 AM
yeah i totally understand my man dosnt help very much with the house or our kids we have a 5 year old,almost 2 years old and a month and half premature.even though ive told him over and over sometimes not in nice ways he just dosnt get it.Its hard it seems they all are hungry at the same time, i really didnt think one more child would change very much .wow dose it!maybe if my middle one was a little older it would be easyer
03-03-2008, 08:37 AM
Good advice from everyone. I think some guys think they work all day and our job isn't as hard. My husband is great with our daughter,but I just dont think they get it. We (mothers) work 24 hours a day they work 8-12. I totally get needing just 5 mins! I make my time cooking dinner and cleaning up dinner. I put some of MY music on and bop around a little wile I'm doing it or talk on the phone. It helps pick my mood up and relax a little. By the time Im finished I feel like Im cool to start again. I do know one thing in the beginning being a new mom I had lots of 'rules' on how I liked things done. My husband finally admitted to not wanting to do anything because 'heavan forbid i don't do it your way'. I had to let all that go and let him figure it out. I love the going on strike! haha Im not sure my husband would react to that- i think it would be funny to see.
03-03-2008, 01:33 PM
No matter how many times I tell him I need help, it doesn't matter. I'm expected to do it all and not complain. If Mackenzie gets sick, I'm expected to take off of work and take care of her. Being in the military, that makes it very difficult. There seems to be no such thing as 50/50, it's all or nothing. I'm also pregnant with our second child which doesn't make it any easier.
03-08-2008, 11:57 PM
It's 12:45 AM. I have a 2 year old and an 8 month old...why am I still awake?
Because there's a bunch of crap still rattling around in my head of things I need to do and things I don't feel I did well and frankly, a bit of good Ol' Ticked-off-at-the-husbandness going on. I used to be a teacher, working full time, college educated, and very successful in my profession. I wanted nothing more than to have kids and stay home. My husband can provide for us and this lifestyle, so thankfully, I am able to be at home. I think, however, my husband does not know what goes into a day at home with the kids. Between tantrum, potty training, cutting teeth, bottles, diapers, spit up, throwing, crying...you know the drill...I somehow find time to do the grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, and all the meals. I do not have a maid, a nanny, a sitter. I have only ever left my children with my parents for no longer than 4 hours. I am a hands-on mom at all times.
My oldest son did something I had asked him to do the other day. My husband looked shocked and said, "how did he know to do that!?!" I told him I taught him. He honest to God said, "Oh- I didn't think you worked with him anymore, since the baby came!" My jaw hit the floor. The other fave comments I get are "I've worked all day"- this is the excuse for not helping with baths, dishes, trash...I asked him the other day, "do you think I honestly sit around and eat bon-bons?"
Don't get me wrong. I love my husband very much...I'd just love some help, too. My family member recently separated from his wife. He asked me 'what do women want?" I didn't have an answer for him- and that bothered me. I thought about it,and now I know. We want to feel appreciated. If my husband walked in and said , 'wow, dinner smells good' or 'the house sure does look good' or 'you look nice today' or ....'thank you' that would do it for me.
So ladies out there, I can't give you any wisdom on how to get your man to help, but I can say: "You did a great job today with the kids!"
Every little bit helps, right!?!
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