government provided pacifiers

[funsizedmommi]

3:45 PM - government provided pacifiers
Current mood: cynical


I am the 20 year old mother of an almost 3 month old baby girl named evelyn. therefore, i understand the annoyance of those who who see a young mom with a baby and believe that their opinions of parenting are absolutely necessary conversation. I can recall a time i almost lost my cool in the dollar store when an older shop attendant warned me that my daughter needed to wake up or she'll be up all night. Little did she know that i understand the needs of my own flesh and blood better then a stranger . i politely explained that evelyn had finally fallen asleep for her afternoon nap and if she didn't stay asleep i'd be up all night with an overtired, screaming baby.

there's millions of articles about mothers who are bothered by other people's unwanted advice. that is not what i wish to speak of here though. my problem today is not how to avoid losing your cool when your parenting skills are challenged by others, rather the opposite end of the spectrum. my question for all parents and parenting experts: when is it appropriate to give your opinion?

is it alright to aware the mother walking down the street with a baby in one arm and a cigarette in the other that her tiny child probably has the same nicotine levels as she does? Is it okay to tell her that she is slowly murdering her offspring with a selfish indulgence?

am i wrong to think i should speak up about the toddler who is sucking on the very public chair at the department of social services while the father sits by and looks the other way? Should i fell obliged to let him know that his son in ingesting half of this city's bacteria and disease during his 3 minute suckfest?

what about the father in the library who tells his little boy to shut the f**k up repeatedly until the poor kid just hangs his head, mentally beaten. should i tell this old man that he probably is psychilogically damage a fragile young mind?

where do you draw the line between tedious conversational advice and an actual concerned, logical comment? sure it is my personal opinion that babies shouldn't inhale cigarette smoke, you shouldn't tell a child to shut up, and toddlers shouldn't suck on public property like its some kind of government provided pacifier. should i aviod confirntation with the parent because it is just an opinion? is it wrong to advise a parent who is endangering their child? or should i just observe their behavior, shake my head, and say nothing because it is unpolite to give unwanted advice?

[jaxon1015]

After reading your message, I've realized how similar my views are of yours, and it frustrates me. With my 9 month old, I still get the unsolicited advice from strangers claiming that "I" could be doing damage to my son by letting him suck on a pacifier or "still" drink from a bottle (and those are the mild ones). Even more, with the profession that I have (working with developmentally disabled children), I see it on a day to day basis of people who, mostly, needed to follow the advice of strangers because their child has some form of mental retardation or other health problems. And, I'm a mandated reporter...

I can't tell you how many times I've had to stop myself with the same question that you asked because I needed to determine if what I would be saying to the individual is just my unsolicited advice, opinion or worse. However, being a mandated reporter, I still don't know when to take off that particular hat.

It's so frustrating watching others with their children, basically abuse the system for their own benefit...and treat their child like a waste of time. UGH!!

[lena241]

I think that once we become parents that we all want to share our good advice with someone else. Unfortunately, we have to sit back and realize how upset we get when someone tries to tell ''US" what to do. I think that each situation would be different on when and why to speak up.

I guess if a child is in danger, I will try to intervene, politely. Unfortunately, if a mother is smoking while holding her child, I wouldnt say anything. Chances are she knows what she is doing, and wont care, even if you do say something. Its better to just mind your own, and praise yourself for being a "Good" mother. In the instance of the child sucking on the nasty chair, I might say yucky or kaka to the child, and if that doesnt work, let the distracted father know what is happening. Maybe he has all kinds of things on his mind, and just isnt paying attention at the moment. We have all had these days, chances are he would have thanked you and stopped the child, why say more?????

Your child is 3 months old. You have yet to experience alot of things that us "Bad" parents do. As she gets older, I am sure there will be things that your daughter does, that others might look at in disgust. Unfortunately, its a fact of life, and you move on.

[3_wild_angels]

I totally agree with lena. I have a friend that has a son that is just utterly ruthless. She does very little to tell him to stop or does the almighty " wait till your dad gets home". As your child gets older, especially crawling then walking, she/he will find many things to get into. Along with them getting older and learning more, you tend to lose pieces of your own and get kinda spacey. I have 3, ages 5,3,and 8 weeks. No matter how many times I see something I don't "approve of " or that disgust me as a parent, I know that I really can not do anything about someone else's parenting. Some folks were raised differently and there is nothing you can do unless the child is in severe danger. Relax honey!! If your baby is happy and healthy,then don't worry about anyone else.

[dubnchix]

You sound very mature for 20. I, too, had my first baby when I was 20, and remember all the things that bugged the crap out of me. AND! I used to say something to them. ex: In Wal-Mart, there was a mother of a not-quite 2 year old. He was sitting in the cart screaming! To me, it sounded like he was over tired. The mother kept popping him in the mouth, hard- saying, "Could you please shut up!" I turned to my sister and said, "Well, at least she said please!" And the lady said, "WTF did you say?" So, I told her that maybe she shouldn't hit her son so hard on his face. My sister said, "you should take him home for a nap." That's when the lady says, (and how many of us can relate to this......minus the hitting in the face part) "I have been stuck in the house with him for a week. I needed to get out and so did he. He isn't tired, he wants toys, which I cannot afford. I tried to give him his own toy to distract him and he threw it down and is throwing a tantram." "Then she said, "Yes, maybe I shouldn't have popped him in the mouth, BUT I HAVE HAD IT!" And she walked away crying. She looked like a teenage mother or maybe alittle older. Lord knows, I have been there. BUT I have never hit my children - on their face. Their butts are padded for a reason- that is MY opinion. 12 years later, I am older, wiser, and learned to mind my own square. You just don't know what kind of strife that person is enduring, what triles & tribs they are facing. Only when a child is in danger, will I interfer now. I know that children are raised all sorts of different ways and with 3 kids of my own, I try not to judge OUT LOUD. Like pp said, just say to yourself, Dang! I am so glad my baby doesn't act like that, or YUP! I am a good Mama compared to her.


So, I guess, my point is, we all have seen things that warrant our opinion, but unless you want to get an earful or maybe even in a fistfight over your convictions, I wouldn't say anything. Saying stuff to yourself or the person you are with will have a better outcome then calling someone out on their "Bad" parenting. No one is perfect, remember that.

Just be the best Mama you can be to your baby girl, Evelyn, and fight the GOOD fight. HTH, alittle.