What to Do I want to be there

[Eli2009]

I am going to be a new father and I am thrilled…to a point. I am no longer dating the mother, not by my choice, but I am still living with her due to a rental contract for the next month. She called off our relationship because she needs to find herself, which I understand; I just wish she did that before we decided to have a child together. It is hard for me to sit back and watch her leave the house to do God knows what. I don’t know what to do! I want to be in my kid’s life every day, but I know that there is no reason he/she can’t live with the mom. I would have no stance in court if I were to try to fight for custody, nor would I want to put the Mom through that. We are both in the Military and the only way for us to stay at the same base would be for us to get married, but I don’t see that happening, even though I would love for that to happen. Does anyone have any suggestions on what I can due to stay in my kid’s life and not feel like I will never see him/her?

[War_Eagle]

I am going to be a new father and I am thrilled…to a point. I am no longer dating the mother, not by my choice, but I am still living with her due to a rental contract for the next month. She called off our relationship because she needs to find herself, which I understand; I just wish she did that before we decided to have a child together. It is hard for me to sit back and watch her leave the house to do God knows what. I don’t know what to do! I want to be in my kid’s life every day, but I know that there is no reason he/she can’t live with the mom. I would have no stance in court if I were to try to fight for custody, nor would I want to put the Mom through that. We are both in the Military and the only way for us to stay at the same base would be for us to get married, but I don’t see that happening, even though I would love for that to happen. Does anyone have any suggestions on what I can due to stay in my kid’s life and not feel like I will never see him/her?

Not to rub salt in an open wound, but this is why you don't make babies with women you're not married to.

You may have to bite the bullet and put the child before your military career.

[brittneeskidmore]

As a spouse of an active duty military enlistee, I must say that your comment, war_eagle, is completely impossible.
You can't "bite the bullet" and end a military career. It's called an enlistment contract because it's just that... a contract. You can't just quit being in the military for any reason.

[War_Eagle]

As a spouse of an active duty military enlistee, I must say that your comment, war_eagle, is completely impossible.
You can't "bite the bullet" and end a military career. It's called an enlistment contract because it's just that... a contract. You can't just quit being in the military for any reason.

That's odd. I know plenty of my fellow Marines who chose not to continue their military careers for various reasons.

[Eli2009]

I don't know what they teach you in the Marines but us in the AF do all that we can to serve. I don't want to give up my career I love serving my country and I know that my child will have more respect for me if I did not just "quit". Our child will at least know that their mother and father served their country as for not making a child before you are married, we had a wedding date already I just had to save up for a ring.

[brittneeskidmore]

When their enlistment is up, maybe that's so. If he's in the middle of a 4 or 6 year enlistment, there's nothing he can do to get out of it.

These boards aren't meant to condemn people for the choices they've made and situations they've been in. If you didn't mean "to rub salt in an open wound..." then DON'T. He knows things are messed up, otherwise he wouldn't have come to these message boards to begin with.

[Eli2009]

thank you for that

[War_Eagle]

I don't want to give up my career I love serving my country

And that's certainly your choice. However, if you choose your career over your child, then stop giving lip service to how badly you want to be with your child.

[War_Eagle]

These boards aren't meant to condemn people for the choices they've made and situations they've been in.

I didn't condemn him. I just pointed out that bad behavior brings negative consequences.

[skiddymo]

Eli2009, I would not listen to what War_Eagle is telling you. He obviously has no idea how to give you good advice. However, there are other epople that will give you advice that you will be able to use. My wife sure nows how to give some advice. I have been in the Air Force for 8 years now and have run into numerous situations. One in particular was a good friend of mine who had a child with his wife (who was not in the military). She cheated on him and he left her and stayed at my house until he got on his feet. They got a divorce and then remarried again. After about a year she did it again and he stayed at my house again. This time he got custody of the child and she had partial on the weekends and holidays. The stipulation was that if the military moved him she had to follow him or the she lost her visitation rights. That is just one example. I would contact a lawyer and see what they can tell you. I am sure that there is something out there that can be done. Maybe contact the law office on base. They might have heard about something like this before and know what you need to do. Remember that you are the father and you have rights too.

[skiddymo]

And that's certainly your choice. However, if you choose your career over your child, then stop giving lip service to how badly you want to be with your child.

War_Eagle, Eli2009 never said anything about a military career. He said that he is worried about never seeing his kid because they are both in the military. If one of them gets orders to move he is worried that he will never have a chance to have a relationship with is child. If he is only a couple of years into a 6 year contract and one of them has to move then there is nothing that he can do about it. Would you like to be away from your child for the first two or three years of their life? I don't think that any parent would ever want that. I know that I wouldn't ever want to be away from my child like that. I know that there are military members that are away from there families for a year, but not three years. I am sure that he is wanting to do the right thing or he would not be asking for our opinion. I am sure that if he is able and has to, he would depart from the military to be near his child. I don't think that you should come in here and tell him to "stop giving lip service to how badly you want to be with your child." Ultimately it is his choice but he might not have a choice for several years.

That is my 2 cents.

[cynthia76]

im sorry that u have to go thru that. but sometimes with new change couples regarless if they are married or not will push their relationship to more stress. i think ur parnter is just trying to figure out her new role that is to come. if u will be living together try talking about her needs first and see how u can help each other while ur contract is up and then take it from there. it might be she just needs a little extra of attention if u start there it might end up that u can talk thru other decision u both have to make.