Need to vent... and some input...

[lonesomesmomma]

I have a 5 year old son. He used to be very close with his dad. His dad's the one who stayed home with him and took care of him for the first 1 1/2 of his life.

Fastforward 4 - 4 1/2 years later. It's been very sporadic of the FOMC to see my boy. After that first year 1/2 he left me, and our boy and started dating someone new about 2 days after we split up. I made a few failed attempts to win him back, to no avail. I've since moved on, but my boy hasn't. Dad has a new family now. He has an almost 3 year old daughter with the woman he started seeing after me.

Their relationship has been a rocky one (to put it VERY lightly!). There has been extensive Domestic Violence (on 3 occasions, that I know of, she's stabbed him!).

I've made every attempt to keep my son's father involved in his life. Up unitl last summer. Some indisrections happened that directly effected my son. So I filed for custody. At first I was allowing visitiations. Until FOMC''s GF started harrassing me and my child. I filed for a restraining order against her, and was awarded one. Then I was awarded full custody of my boy on a default judgement (the dad was making feeble attempts to see my son, then completely blew him off the weekend before our court date. And to EVERYONE'S suprise (I'm being sarcastic there) he missed court). I called him out on choosing the "wonderful" gf over my son and told him not to contact us anymore.

After about 2 months son started asking about dad & dad's family. I felt dad needed to put forth some effort so I sat on it. I contacted dad's mom (son's Nana) and allowed them visitaions. Then 2 more months passed and my son started to tell me how much he missed his dad. I finally got off my high horse and did what I thought was best for my son. I contacted his dad and Nana and set up a time for his dad to see him. Things were going well for 2 months. Then things got all riled up with the GF. She stabbed him, this would be the third time (2nd within a month).

Dad kicked GF out and promised me nothing would happen to my son or around my son. I told dad to keep GF away, and if he does decide to let GF back I'll take my son away for good. IMHO, I don't think my son needs to be objected to that (whether it directly or indirectly. I know if/when dad get's hurt again he'll go straight to his mom's. Due to this I also cut of visitations with Nana).

I feel he LITERALLY chose his GF over my son! He knew the consequences of letting her come back. And I feel if I didn't "stumble" upon her, they all would have lied to me! I'm so frustrated and I was scared to have to own up to my son.

I explained to him that I was sorry it had to be this way, but my biggest worry was him. I want to make sure HE is okay. And as long as dad subjects himself to such abuse I don't believe my son is safe with any of them! He said he was okay, but he was worried about his dad. So I told him that his dad's a grown up and can take care of himself. But if he ever wants to talk about his dad or wants me to know how much he misses him; he can talk to me! I won't get mad at him for missing his dad, I will always be there for him!

I guess what I'm after is to make sure I'm doing right by my son. And this is for his own good and in his best interest. I never want to hurt my son, but I feel leaving him in his dad's (or dad's family's) care would do more harm than good.

Thanks for the ear and I look forward to some feedback...

[ewoods]

I'm so sorry for the situation that you've found yourself in. I wish I had some sagely thing to say that could help you, but these situations rarely have a clear right and wrong answer.

One of the most frustrating parts of being divorced with a child is that you were allowed to select your child's parent, but you rarely get any say in who they pick to be your child's step-parent. My opinion is that they should be held to the same standard that your partner was held to when you decided to have a child with them. You absolutely have the right to say that you don't want your child exposed to a hostile environment. That includes exposure to a father that is obviously more concerned with the soap opera that he's created than he is with being a good father. You've done the right thing for your son at this point in his life.

As someone who grew up in a broken home, I think of it this way. Dead-beat parents are like hot stoves. A stove is an important part of the home, but it can be dangerous and children are going to try to touch it because it's warm. When they're young and vulnerable it's our responsibility to keep them away from it, sometimes forcefully and sometimes against their will, because they don't know how badly it can hurt them and we do. They may hate you for this, but it's for their own good. As they get older we let them watch how we handle the stove and show them how to keep a safe distance so that we don't get burned. But at some point they grow up, and we have to trust them to use it on their own. It's at that point that they'll either be as careful as we were, or they'll get too close and find out for themselves how much it can hurt.

Your son is still young and vulnerable. My advice, if you're looking for it, would be to stay in touch with his father, maybe with phone calls or visits at a neutral location, so that your son can learn how to keep a safe distance. Just be prepared to let your son make his own choice when he gets older, and let him know that if he gets burned, you'll still be there for him.

[lonesomesmomma]

WOW! You put that in such a way I've never heard nor would have even thought of myself.

Thank you! That is an excellent way to see things. And I was planning on letting my boy write him letters. And hopefully dad will find it in his heart to wrtie him back. We cannot be in the same vicinity without going hostile on eachother. I hope some day we can get back to an amicable point. But I don't see that happening in the near future. He hurt me by lying to me and was so willing to put my boy in the face of almost certain danger. And he hurt my boy by choosing a woman over him (my boy doesn't know this, but it's the principle of the matter).

I hope someday we can work to them getting to see them. But yeah I'm going to stick with the letters. When he wants to.

Thank you again!

[Laura41]

I am sorry to hear all that. I had a friend a few years back going through the same things. Of course we all want to do what is best for our children and sometimes that is the hardest to explain to them, our reason. We want to be honest but we also don't want to share everything. When my friend was having issues with her x husband and new family, she started talking to a parent coach. Have you thought about that? I know it really helped her. She got insight on how to explain certain things and how to handle her child and x. I was having issues with my kids, acting out and such, and I asked my friend for the parent coach's contact. Her name is Susan Epstein, and business is Parenting Powers. If you have a chance to contact her, even just to ask a few questions or have someone to talk to, I think it would be great. I don't want to post her info directly on this blog, but I think if you do a google you should find her.
Good luck : )