View Full Version : Divorce: What do you think?
02-21-2008, 06:14 PM
My husband and I started dating back in 1998. He was my first real love but we broke up after 2 and a half years and spent 3 years not knowing each other. We got back together and a month or two months later I was pregnant, and that's when the abuse started. It wasn't that bad at first but it got worse as the years went by. Last time he went to jail I left him and was going to get a divorce but 6 months later I got back with him and like a month later I was pregnant with our second child. Now he abuses me and our daughters, he won't get a job, and he's back in jail for stupid reasons. They've put him in the mental institute part of a big jail around here and he's called his dad saying that they are helping him and he's going to get better and treat us better. Should I go on with the divorce and maybe in a few years if he proves himself changed and really does keep up his mental help and everything then we might could get married again, the right way? You think I should just forget about him and just worry about our daughters getting supervised visitations with him and that's all? Or what? I'm so confused....
02-21-2008, 07:16 PM
Oh, and there's the possibility that I may be pregnant AGAIN. Of course, my husband is the father if I am
02-22-2008, 11:18 PM
If you are willing to live with abuse, that's your right. Your daughters have no choice. As a mother, you must protect them at all costs. What are you losing? An abusive husband and father who contributes nothing to your home but fear and pain? Your biggest responsibility is to your children at this point. I am surprised no one else is weighing in here - ladies, speak up!
Divorce him. Give him supervised visitation only if the courts require it. Get counseling for yourself and your girls. When he gets out, let him work on himself before you even consider a relationship.
Being alone is better than being abused. The longer you stay with him, the louder your message to your girls is this: I don't deserve any better, and neither do you. By allowing him, anyone, to hurt your children, you are failing them as a mother and as a role model. Don't think that they will forget. You must protect them and teach them to respect themselves.
Be strong and get help. Think of it this way: if one of your adult daughters came to you with this question, what would you tell her?
02-23-2008, 11:59 PM
OK you asked for opinions, so here's one from experience. I also have a father who was abusive. My mother divorced him before I started kindergarden, and I stopped visitation when I was 15. I do not regret that decision one bit! My mother earned enough money to support us. But back in those days, she was passed up for promotions because the men who got them had to support their families. Now she is quite successful, and I doubt she would have been so if she had remained married. I don't think I would have as good a marriage as I do, or be as good a mom as I am if my mother had stayed in that marriage.
02-25-2008, 12:25 PM
WOW! First I wanted to say that you are in a very scary situation. I have never been in your situation but have seen it numerous times. I would recommend not having any more children with this man to start with. Secondly I would seriously find a safe place for you and your daughters to be. Sounds like he needs more help that you can give him right now.
I understand that people make mistakes, but it's your responsibility to protect your children and possible your unborn. He needs to get his life together before you can work on your life together as a family. I am terrible sorry to hear about this. I know it must be hard having children with someone who is abussive and never around. But.....It might get a lot worse before it gets better. PLEASE...make sure you and your children are safe. A divorce might be in your near future, but it might be the best thing for your situation. Is there any family that can help you out right now? Good luck.
P.S...abussive people say things that you want to hear to keep you around just to hurt you even more. They are very manipulative people! (watched my mom's own relationship with her abusive boyfriend...thank goodness old enough to live on my own.)
02-25-2008, 04:30 PM
I just got out of an abusive situation (towards me, not my son), but it was the hardest thing. You know that you're in a negative situation but once you're done, somehow you're back. I called it "the cycle." It may be the hardest thing to leave your husband but it's the smartest. You may not realize it now but eventually you will. Like, there are times when my husband and I will be play fighting and my 3 year old will start screaming at us to stop or when my husband and I will be arguing and my son tells me not to argue because we love each other. Those are times when I realize I made a smart choice. Even in those times when I look at my husband and remember what he has taught me about a healthy relationship and partnership and about my inner strength. I'll keep you in my prayers. I hope you make the right choice and leave; if he hasn't changed before, he won't change now. And keep your daughters safety in mind too.
And, ahem, use protection. Getting pregnant anymore with your husband is not in yours or the unborn childs best interest.
02-25-2008, 05:56 PM
Get out while he's gone, it will be harder for you emotionally to do go through with leaving him if he's out of jail and trying to convince you he's changed.
I'm not sure what kind of situation financially you are in, but with him in jail and not contributing with 2 children, my guess is not the greatest. First thing is to find a good support person, a friend, family member...someone that can help you and help your kids. Count on that person to either watch your kids or go with you to legal aide or a women's shelter or crisis center so you can get the help you so desperately need! If you are able to, get a restraining order together for when he gets out of jail so he can't come near you or your children-I know sounds harsh, but do it. If he's abusive now, he will be when he learns you've left him. Get as much legal action taken care of while he's in jail. If you can go through with the divorce while he's there, go for it.
Get counseling for yourself and your kids. Even though they're young, they still understand what's going on.
I know you're very scared right now and probably extremely confused...find that friend or counselor right away, think of it as protecting your children and their future.
If in time, you can truly believe that your husband has turned his life around, start slowly with the supervised visitation and go from there. It's going to be a long hard road for trust to enter back into your relationship if it ever does.
And if your visiting him...stop, time to keep moving and time to become the strong woman you want your daughters to look up to.
I wish you the best in this terrible situation, I will pray for you to find the guidance you need. Now pick up the phone and call help.
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