toddler acting out @ daycare- not @ home

[annasmom150]

We have a 2 1/2 yr old girl who we are really starting to struggle with as far a behavior. She is our only child, mom is the tough-love parent, dad is the first to crawl on the floor and play games with her. At home she is your typical toddler. Our normal behavioral struggles involve not letting her watch TV from the time we walk in the door until bedtime, table manners, what to eat, etc. We set boundries and work on enforcing them. Nothing that every other parent in the world isn't dealing with. But.... daycare is something completely different. They moved her up into the "next room" about 3 months ago. She went from being to eldest/ leader to having a mulitude of older kids (3-4 yr olds) to spend her day with. We immediately saw a difference- more defiance, more boundry pushing, etc. Not surprising. But now they are telling us that she will not listen (at all), laughs or flat out tells them "No" when they try to discipline her. I know that toddlers explore these boundries but what they told me today really disturbed me. They are at the point now where they want to have a parent/ teacher meeting. I am more than willing to accept that my child isn't perfect and we need to work on these social issues- but I can't. The problem is, she doesn't do any of this at home. We remind her every morning when we drop her off that she needs to listen and be nice but how can I enforce discipline at home, several hours later, after an incident at daycare? How can I participate in disciplining her when I'm not presented the behavior? I've asked them to start keeping a detailed journal of her behavior (otherwise they just smile and tell me "she had a great day!" which is why I feel so blindsided by what they told me today. Hopefully, if I at least see what it is that she's doing, we can work on at home. Do 2 1/2 year olds really understand consequence yet? Can I tell her that because she did "X" at daycare today, we can't do "Y"? What has worked for other parents? I'm at a loss. Any advice would be helpful!!

[lovin3]

I would definitely take the meeting with the teachers, but go prepared with questions of your own. She is at an age where she'll test boundaries and mimic peer behavior. Find out what specifically she is struggling with. What changes have taken place in the new room- peers, schedule, etc. (maybe she's not getting a much needed nap or is otherwise uncomfortable with the change that is causing her to act out). Does she seem to have adjusted to the new room otherwise (or if she was moved up early, should she go back in the younger room)? What is their discipline policy? Is there a balance between discipline and positive teaching? Positive reinforcement of the behavior you expect might help. She could have a special chart at school that she can put a sticker on at the end of the day if she had a good day (set specifics like no timeouts). When she reaches the designated amount, she gets a reward such as a small toy or special activity with mom and dad. If there is a poor behavior that is repeated, you could institute a policy such as if you bite at school, no dessert after dinner. Don't hesitate to talk with her teachers about the behavior- what they see and their thoughts on resolving things together. Good luck.

[MommaC]

I think it's almost laughable that they want you to do something about it! Of course children need to be taught well at home, but if there's no problem at home and a HUGE problem at daycare, I'd dare suggest the problem is DAYCARE. Of course you don't want to walk in there and tell them that, but I'd ask for a precise account of how these situations are being handled. Defnitely give them a detailed description of your home discipline so they can hear what WORKS with your daughter. Toddlers her age definitely understand consequences, but delayed consequences aren't necessarily meaningful. When you pick her up at the end of the day, they need to be honest and mention any problems that occurred. If she was disrespectful, you need to confront her about the occurrence and she needs to apologize to whomever she wronged. One big problem with discipline in general is that we punish bad behavior without teaching the positive behavior we desire. That needs to be happening at home and at daycare, and it needs to happen IN THE MOMENT. Frankly, if they don't like her behavior, they need to teach her a different way to behave.

[Graysonsmom]

Annasmom, I know this post was a while ago, but did your child finally adjust at daycare? I'm going through something similar with my son at daycare. He'll be 3 this April. He's a normal toddler at home, but almost every day for the last week and a half we get a bad report on his behavior. It can range anywhere from he wouldn't listen to hitting another child. I'm at a loss as to what to do. We moved over 5 months ago, and that was a big adjustment for him, but he's adjusted now. The only thing I can think of that could be causing this is he doesn't like his teacher. I just feel like there's no way a toddler could be so bad ALL DAY that that's all the teacher has to talk about when a parent picks them up. There has got to be some positive feedback otherwise you're going to start making the parents get defensive.

[ra11en]

We went through similar issues when our DD was moved to the Pre-K room at daycare. She acted up at home, of course, but nothing like she did at daycare. What seemed to enforce her bad behavior was the lack of any structured discipline at the daycare. Time outs were a joke; if they WERE put in timeout, they were allowed to leave it whenever they wanted with no consequences. Obviously this method doesn't do much to deter bad behavior. So, my DD progressively got worse and worse at daycare. I was getting reports every single day of biting, pushing other kids down, and all around bullying of the other kids. I also tried telling her to be good when I dropped her off, and even disciplining her when I picked her up if we got a bad report. But that is so far removed from the actual behavior that of course my 2 yr old couldn't understand what she was being punished for.

What I found that worked for me was some on the spot discipline. Not sure if this is an option for her, but I'm lucky enough that I work very close to the daycare and have the flexibility to be able to leave work on the drop of a dime. I gave my business card to the room teachers and instructed them to call me immediately when she start bullying / biting. And I told my DD that they would call me!! I would enforce time outs or possible spanking if needed (never got that far thankfully). Twice I was called by the teachers, and twice I marched in to witness her behavior. I took her into a private room (embarassing her in front of the whole room was not necessary) and conducted time out the proper way. That was 6 months ago and I haven't been called since. The bad reports when I picked her up stopped, and she hasn't bitten or bullied anyone since the second time I went up there.

[Graysonsmom]

You are so lucky that you could drop in to help discipline your daughter. We've tried to talking to our DS telling him there will be consequences if he hits anyone while at school, but you're right, most of the time it's so far after the fact they don't understand why they are being punished. The daycare my DS goes to has a video camera in the room and I can log on and watch him all day if I want. I've been doing that more frequently while at work, and as far as I can tell he's behaving like any other normal toddler. During nap time, I did witness his teacher picking him up off of the little mat (which he was laying on), setting him off to the side, and then tend to all of the other children getting them settled in (all of the other children were already laying down). I was a little perplexed by what she did and not sure why. After she got all of the other children tucked in she finally came over and had him lay down and put this little flimsy blanket on him. He has a blanket that he sleeps with all the time, but she didn't give that to him. I knew he wasn't going to go to sleep, so I called and talked to the director. She informed me that there should be no reason why he couldn't have his blanket and would instruct the teacher to give it to him. After hanging up, I could see that she was told to give it to him, and then he finally settled down and went to sleep. Pardon my language, but WTF!! She knows he has a special blanket, why would she change it. Anyway, my husband picked up our DS that afternoon and she told him she "tried" to give him his blankie twice but he wouldn't take it. Whatever! We watched the entire time. I think this is a case of a teacher not liking a child and trying to make his life miserable.

[daniel18]

Hi,
I have worked in daycare and nurseries for years so I have seen this sort of behaviour. You mentioned that your daugter is only 2 and a half and has moved up into a class of 3-4 year olds. It may be that she wasn't really ready but that moving her suited the day care as far as numbers go. I would also say take that meeting with the staff and talk about the posibility of her moving back with the other group or to explain why they moved her. I would also want to know their proceedures regarding discipline as I have seen some very bad practise in my time so make your own mind up about what they are doing. I agree that praising her and rewarding her when she comes home if she has been good as with sticker charts and having a reward of going to the park on the way home if she has been told she was behaving well. Trying to focus on the good behaviour will increase that . My book may make things alittle clearer to you as to what to expect from childcare providers with regards to children's behaviour and may help you to put your point across clearly to them. (if you haven't managed to already). It is called 'A Parent's guide to children's behaviour', Please see www.childbehaviourdirect.com to down load it instantly.
ALL THE BEST

[tanya1974]

I am having issues with one of my toddler. My twins are 2 1/2 and one of them is behind and not communicating verbally like he should be. We have him in speech therapy to help in his development. They both go to daycare and in Early pre-school class. I had them separated for a while, and they will be separated again this next month. One will move to EPS 2 and the other that is behind will stay in EPS 1.

The problem right now is the one that is behind is starting to have anger issues and having a very hard time during the transitions stages of the day at school. We have not been experiencing this at home until the past week. The problems at school is when they transition to different activities during the day and he's not ready to end his time at an activity, he becomes upset and throws himself onto the floor or a wall and somewhat "looses control" of his body, not hurting others, just himself.

At home, just recently, he does not want to go down for bed at night. We have never had this problem until recently. We have always been on a routine with both of them, bedtime is always the same time every night. Recently, he's been crying some after we put him down and leave the room. When we remove him from something he is not suppose to be doing at home, or playing with something he is not to play with, he throws a fit. Recently, he does not want to be put in his car seat, fights the entire way...we have to force it on him. We try to talk through things with him, not sure if he's understanding what we are saying or why we are saying it.

We are very concerned. His school is concerned for him and with having other children to "deal" with in his class, the school director is thinking he may need a "break" from school until we can get this figured out. I need help. What should I do? What more can I do to help him through this? The Speech Therapists says because he is not able to tell you what he's feeling, he is acting out.

I've been reading up on Sensory Processing Disorder, not sure my son matches with this, but alot of things are signs.

Tanya E.
Austin, Texas

[alandsjbrown]

After reading some of the messages it seems that most 2 1/2 year olds go through this kind of behavior.

My daughter who is 2 1/2 is having issue at school with her teacher. She was just moved to a different class this week. When she first started going to the daycare over a year ago, she was biten 5 times in the first month. Since then she is still getting bit. Her first teacher (Ms. Jen) was wonderful. She had my daughter going to the potty all day. Loved going to daycare. When she moved to Ms. Laura's class, she stopped going to the potty. Ms Laura said she said I only go at mommy house. She would even scream when I set her on the potty at home. She also started acting up at nap time and telling the teacher no alot. They even send her to the office. Now in Ms Stephine's class she is still acting up at nap time, kicking other kids, running from the teachers out side, and screaming when she has to stop playing and go do something else. The teacher wrote her up for it and told me to help them with her. I work full time and during the week they have her more during the day then I do. I thouhgt they went to school on child behavior so they would know how to handle children! It is very upsetting when all you hear is how bad you child was when you pick them up. I don't get any positive feedback from the new teacher. Another teacher told me that my daughter listens to most of the other teachers at daycare.

Her doctor has told me that he worries about the kids that just sit there and don't do anything.. He says my daughter is normal for a 2 1/2 year old.

Shannon B.
Ohio

[avniy]

I am having issues with one of my toddler. My twins are 2 1/2 and one of them is behind and not communicating verbally like he should be. We have him in speech therapy to help in his development. They both go to daycare and in Early pre-school class. I had them separated for a while, and they will be separated again this next month. One will move to EPS 2 and the other that is behind will stay in EPS 1.

The problem right now is the one that is behind is starting to have anger issues and having a very hard time during the transitions stages of the day at school. We have not been experiencing this at home until the past week. The problems at school is when they transition to different activities during the day and he's not ready to end his time at an activity, he becomes upset and throws himself onto the floor or a wall and somewhat "looses control" of his body, not hurting others, just himself.

At home, just recently, he does not want to go down for bed at night. We have never had this problem until recently. We have always been on a routine with both of them, bedtime is always the same time every night. Recently, he's been crying some after we put him down and leave the room. When we remove him from something he is not suppose to be doing at home, or playing with something he is not to play with, he throws a fit. Recently, he does not want to be put in his car seat, fights the entire way...we have to force it on him. We try to talk through things with him, not sure if he's understanding what we are saying or why we are saying it.

We are very concerned. His school is concerned for him and with having other children to "deal" with in his class, the school director is thinking he may need a "break" from school until we can get this figured out. I need help. What should I do? What more can I do to help him through this? The Speech Therapists says because he is not able to tell you what he's feeling, he is acting out.

I've been reading up on Sensory Processing Disorder, not sure my son matches with this, but alot of things are signs.

Tanya E.
Austin, Texas

Have you tried talking to the first one - try to tell him to "carry" the one that's 'behind' and help him.
It worked for me.

[sheldonmartin]

As a therapist I see this a lot. Kids will act out for different reasons. I would recommend setting a firm and simple discipline strategy. For example, you can tell your child that if she breaks one of the family rules, then she will be in time out. You could set family rules like the following
1. Listen the first time
2. Respect yourself or others (for a 3 year old you could say "be nice")
3. Do not act out how you feel (or do not throw a temper tantrum

Every time your child breaks a rule, then enforce a consequence. The consequence could be a 10 minute time out in the bathroom. Then just be as consistent as possible. Give a ton of verbal praise every time your child does something good. Stick in there. I also attached a great resource I recommend to my clients.

http://www.OneWeekParentingMiracle.com

[mamaeden]

If your child enjoys going to daycare, I would do what it takes to make her realize if she wants to keep going she'll have to behave. My friend was having the same problem with her two year old, she told him that he had to stop or she wouldn't let him go. He was fine for a few days, but then had another incident, she took him out for two days, he's been fine ever since.