View Full Version : I can't be in my son's life
07-08-2008, 08:41 PM
I'm new to this site, I'm a first time father, and I'm a young parent, enough said right?
I got layed off, and I didn't have much money and his mom can't work cuz of problems during birth, so I spent all my money that was supposed to last me until I got a new job went on making sure he had what he needed, and after I spent all the money I had and was red with the bank his mother stopped talking to me. I called her today and told her that I got a job, and she told me that he's her son and she's gonna raise him by herself cuz I haven't been able to do anything for him. I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice on how to deal with it, and I'm kinda hoping that I'm not the only father to mess up here and there.
07-08-2008, 09:18 PM
seriously what i would do if i were you is go to the state and tell them that you want to be in your childs life. they will make you pay child support but if you are willing to spend your last dime on your baby during that hard time then i bet you would be willing to pay child support, and legally if you pay child support to her there is not a damn thing she can do to keep you away from that baby. it is your child too and nothing is going to change that. i think it is so sad to see a woman who should know that having a daddy in their babys life is soooo important trying to take that away from the baby. good luck and dont forget you have rights too.
07-09-2008, 09:38 AM
I agree with haleymom. As long as you can keep giving her the child support money and are willing to pay it then that is what I would do. She might not realize it now but your son will be a better person in the years to come. I believe that it takes two parents to raise a child. But it does not matter if they are in the same home or not. It gets bad when the parents live in different states tho. I believe that it is your right to be in your child's life and that is not something that she can take away from you. Only the goverment can but they have to have a reason as to why you are an unfit parent and why your son would be better off without you in his life. I know that it will cost a good amount of money but as long as you are willing to fight for it and you and your son get to spend time together than in my opinion it is worth every dime. I wish you the best of luck and if you need anything just let us know.
07-09-2008, 08:08 PM
You Have a Right to See Your Child!!!! I can't reiterate that enough here hun... Me and my ex were 16 when we had Autym... Age has nothing to do with this so don't say "I was young - enough said"... The difference is that my daughter's father doesn't WANT anything to do with her... You do. And Haleymom and Skiddymo are both right here, just go up to your local family court liason and tell them that you don't mind paying child support - you just want to see your kid... If she wants to pay a lawyer to drag you to court over it, that's her choice, but trust me, the courts LOVE to see fathers that actually want their kids. I promise that if you make the efforts through the court system, you will come out ahead.
07-10-2008, 12:10 PM
I think it's beautiful that you want to be a part of your child's life. Ultimately, this should not be about what your ex- wants, it should be about what is best for your son. Maybe you can try and reason with her, tell her that you want to have a relationship with your son, and that your son has a right to have a relationship with his father. I hope you can work things out!
07-10-2008, 01:26 PM
WOW!!! You are really a Daddy!!!!! I agree with everyone else. Get yourself a lawyer and fight!!! You deserve to be in this baby's life and he needs you too!! I agree that age has nothing to do with it. If you are 100% committed to your son, then do whatever you can. Just because you are young doesn't automatically mean you aren't a good father. I have seen 30 year old men step out because they "couldn't handle it". I wish you a lot of luck and hope things get better soon!
07-10-2008, 03:29 PM
You have every right to see your child - regardless if you pay child support or not. If you can afford it - get a lawyer - he'll help you get visitation set up. You may be able to get an appointed lawyer, or a free lawyer -- check with your local service departments (health & human services, child welfare, even the battered woman's shelter - they'll know who gives free law services - our town's lawyers volunteer once a month, you just have to know when / where) Keep looking and you'll find a lawyer you can afford.
Unless you are on drugs / criminal / abusive you should get standard every other weekend visits depending on child's age (I think they start at age 3 - and are shorter before that) You need to get child support set up sooner rather then later so you aren't in the rears - The attorney general in your state should handle that - check the web. If you do get a lawyer - he'll help set that up as well.
Your ex has no right to keep your child away from you - he is yours just as much as he is hers -- Unless you are a bad character, in which case she has to prove that in court. Courts want you to see your child, as well as pay for him - they do not advocate stripping parents of their rights unless the circumstances are severe.
I'd work on getting your life together - having a safe home for visits, steady job, stay out of trouble. You could start paying support - but make sure you keep records, pay by check or something you can prove -- I'd check with a lawyer, because child support has to go through the state - maybe you can open that account and start paying towards it. This way when you go to court you can show you have the willingness and ability to be a good dad.
We all make mistakes, moms and dads alike - especially when we are young and overwhelmed - what you are doing today counts so much more then the mistakes you've made in the past.
Above all - DON'T GIVE UP - your son needs you - So many men walk away from their kids because it is easier than staying the course. It will be a pain while everything is set up legally but once it is things will run smoother and you and your boy will be so much better for it.
Best of luck - I wish my kid's 'dad' cared as much as you do!!
07-10-2008, 04:30 PM
I would fight it, I also agree with everyone else. it seems to me she is not thinking of your son.
Here is a web site I found. http://www.fathersrights.org/
07-15-2008, 10:04 PM
It is a great strength and example you have shown just by being vulnerable to an unknown public by sharing your hurt. I agree with what the others have shared and especially with the detailed reply by opticmom. I do believe God is bigger than all of us, you may be facing this difficult time now but he will bring you through it; as long as you do all things possible to change the current circumstances by applying the advise shared and having faith that you will be victorious in this matter.
07-18-2008, 11:02 PM
Way to go Dad!!!
Its great to see a dad stepping up to the plate and wanting so much to be a part of their childs life. I have to agree with the moms, you need to fight for what is yours. The good news is, in most states, you dont need a lawyer to do this. If you simply make plea to the court, you will be assigned 1st to a mediator. The mediator is usally able to come to an agreement with the parents for visitation, custody, and child support. A couple pointers:
(1) If you name is not on the birth certificate, you will 1st have to start a paternity case and admit your the father, and ask for the birth certificate to be ammended.
(2) If it is already on the birth certificate, never sign over any of your custody to her. Ask for joint legal and joint physical custody.
(3) Ask for holidays and visitation to follow the courts visitation schedule
(This will give you alternate holidays,birthdays, fathers day, etc.)
(4) DONT GIVE UP, and keep paying in the meantime. Dont give cash but give her checks, money orders, etc. You needs a trackable record of everything. If you purchase diapers, clothes, food, etc. for the baby, keep receipts.
(5) Anything purchased by your family, friends, etc cannot be used towards your support of the baby. It is considered a gift.
(6) Have daycare lined up for the times/dates you have your son if needed. You cant miss work to care for him, and you definately dont want to call her and say you cant pick him up (She can file a grievance for missed parenting time, this would make you look bad) Dont leave him with a new girlfriend, etc. This looks bad in the courts.
Keep posting....Im sure we are all eager to see how this turns out.
10-04-2008, 10:59 PM
i only want to say that as a father i love it. I really do, my children give me reason to breath and a reason to work all those long hours. just to hear my son yelling DADDDDYYY when i walk in the door makes all my worries go away. fight my brother fight, your child is worth all the trouble. to many times do dads just bail out on there kids and you want to be a part of your childs life, well done. Like everyone else said u have rights, just keep your head up and remember what u are fighting for. keep us posted
10-14-2008, 03:40 PM
Go to the state for sure!!!! You have all the rights in the world as that child's father. Demand them. She cannot and I mean CAN NOT by law keep you from your child unless there is domestic violence issues involved. And even in that instance if there is no violence toward the child you still have visitation rights. WOW!!! Skip her and go to your local Department of Social and Health Services and tell them you want to see you child. They will listen and help you. Also, in my state it is mandated by law to get DNA samples from all parties to designate parentage of the child and then it is automatic that a court hearing is set to create a parenting plan. The state pays for all of this. In turn visitation rights are established as well as child support. So if your childs mother is getting any sort of public assistance or even if she isn't, all these services are free and immediate. She can't do anything about it. Go talk to the state. They will fix it. Stay cool and be the best dad you can be. Remember, kids don't see dollar signs- they see your smile and feel your hugs. That's all that matters. Just be there for them.
10-15-2008, 11:45 PM
Hey, don't feel bad at all. The simply fact that you are seeking advice shows you are going to be a great dad. Many times we equate caring to the amount of "things" we can give but that is not true. Yes, our kids need our financial support but they also need our emotional and physical support as well. Don't allow anyone to stop you from being active in your son's life. Spend as much time with him as you can and if the mom starts to prevent that then seek assistance from the courts. Let her know you are there to stay - in it for the long haul. In the end, your son may never remember the amount of "things" money bought him but he will remember the presence or absence of his father while growing up.
03-21-2009, 03:38 PM
WOW... the gall of the woman! Actually you have every right to be in your childs life if she likes it or not - and contrary to popular belief that right is in no way connected to paying child support. Your post already shows you understand that as a parent you do have a financial responsibility to your son (which is commendable) so I wouldn't even worry about that. Basically parental rights are not connected to financial responsibility!! You are his Daddy and child support does not change that one way or another! He needs you in his life is his mom likes it or not so definately fight for your rights. You might be surprised how easy most states will make it for you - especially since you clearly want the responsibility connected with being a Daddy! Hope this has worked out for you.
04-06-2009, 12:35 AM
I give you props on trying so hard! There are a lot of men who dont even care either way about their children and i am glad to see that the men on here do. My husband is going through the same thing right now. He is 24 and has a 3 yr old daughter from a previous relationship. HIs ex however being the snobby childish brat she is wont let him have anything to do with his daughter (a lot has to do with me bcuz we are married & she cant stand it) and he hasnt got to see her in 6 months. I know how much this upsets him so im guessing your very upset with this as well. But you are the childs father and you do have rights. They are different in every state i think so. I hate to say so but you will probably have to take her to court, set up child support, and file for joint custody or visitation at least which ever you prefer. We are having to do that now because there is no way to get thru to his ex that that is his daughter to and he has just as much of a right to be part of her life as she does. Doing this you will establish paternity as the childs father, what your paying in child support will probably be lower then what you are giving her anyways, and she will be ordered by the court to let you see your son, and if she refuses she will in contempt of court and you could possibly even get full custody then. I hope this helps. Just search fathers rights or fathers advocates on google. you will be suprised on all the rights you DO have.
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