View Full Version : need help with custody question..
07-03-2008, 03:02 PM
so I'm in a bit of a mess. I had a one night stand with my ex (we are both currently married to other people), and now I am preg. and it may or may not be his baby. first they said they were gonna try to get custody, then they said they want nothing to do with the baby. my ?? is, if they do try for custody, who is more likely to get it?? me or them>> they are both on fel. probation for drugs, and just got their kids back from CPS, while I have never been in trouble before...... any advice from anyone?? thanks..
07-03-2008, 03:20 PM
I am not entirely sure what state you live in, but chances are the state follows a law that states children born in a marriage are the legal children of the husband and wife. That means your husband would be the child's legal father, not your ex.
I only know this because I got pregnant while in divorce preceedings with my ex-husband. I planned to marry the man I was living with (who is now my husband). Sounds messy, but my ex husband and I were seperated for 4 years before I filed for divorce (it was expensive, and I kept hoping he would file... but he didn't, and I wanted to be free to marry and move on). About 3 days before the divorce was supposed to be finalized--Michigan has a 6 month waiting period--I found out I was pregnant. My attorney had to refile my petition for divorce and also file what is called a Seraphin Hearing (spelling may be incorrect there). I had to go on the stand and say who the father was, that I'd not had marital relations with my then-husband, etc. My then-husband got on the stand and said he was not the father, we had not had marital relations; and then my now-husband got on the stand and said he WAS the father, that we HAD marital relations... Ugh. Technically, if I hadn't gone through with the new hearing, my child who actually was fathered by my new husband, would have legally been the child of my ex-husband because I was pregnant at the time of my divorce. The state does all of this because they don't want to be stuck with the bill, they want to have someone who will be financially responsible for the child.
I am not sure if any of this makes sense, but in applying it to your situation... Unless your wedded husband does not want to take responsibility for your child, your ex most likely doesn't have a leg to stand on. Even if he could prove paternity, your child is still legally a product of your marriage and therefore your husband's child (by law). Plus, taking into account his past history, I highly doubt the courts are going to be willing to set a child into his care and custody.
I guess the only way your ex could seek custody would be if you and your husband let him. But then again, I also suggest you seek legal counsel about this. I am not an expert, I just have a lot of experience dealing with the local courts and custody issues (regarding my first 2 children who were fathered and are legally my ex-husband's, not regarding my 3rd child, who I was pregnant with at the time of the divorce). Wow, sounds like a talk-show episode in the making... Divorce is ugly. Custody battles are even uglier.
I hope this all works out for you and your unborn child! Are you sure your ex is the father?
07-03-2008, 03:21 PM
I wouldn't worry about it. Especially now that you are pregnant. You're the mom and haven't been in trouble with the law. All should be well. Not to mention they can't do diddly without a paternity test which would require him to go get and from the sounds of it they are losers and he more than likely wouldn't even go.
Relax and try to enjoy being pregnant.
07-03-2008, 03:44 PM
No, I am not sure if he is or isn't the father. Like I said, it was a stupid one night thing, and at the time I was having marital problems, and ex said he wanted to "hang out" so I said ok, I was messing around with him and I realized what I was doing, I told him I changed my mind, but he proceeded anyway. my hubby says that he "raped" me, technically, I don't know, I was willing at first but then after I said stop, he didn't. it was a mistake, and I hope for my baby's sake he isn't his baby, my hubby is prepared to raise him just like he is our 2 daughters, I am just scared of what ex and his new wife will do to my baby. she has threatened to take him away, to kill me and him (baby), ect.... and she has assaulted me and kicked my car. I just pray that they don't ever get to be around my babay..
07-03-2008, 04:03 PM
File a restraining order at once if either of them are threatening you or your family in any way! At the least, if they should push the custody matter in court, the restraining order will be on file.
Don't beat yourself up about the one-night stand thing. Everybody has something they aren't proud of in their past, and you were probably very emotionally vulnerable at the time (they don't call them rebound relationships for nothing). If anything, your ex should have realized that you weren't at your best, but he doesn't seem like the type of guy to care about your personal or emotional welfare. Technically, even if you were willing when you started to have sex or partake in foreplay, if your ex proceeded after you told him to stop, then he did rape you.
Your husband sounds like a wonderful guy, and I wish you both the best with your family and your upcoming baby.
This is an offhand thought, but perhaps your ex and his new wife are more concerned with getting your child because they know it bothers you so much? I know this sounds hard, but try to relax as much as possible (for your child's sake, especially). I'd definately push for a restraining order and cut off all contact with him. And don't let them see that it bothers or upsets you. (Again, MUCH easier said than done...). I ended up limiting any contact with my ex husband to when we exchange our children for parenting time, and then I don't say anything to him or betray any feelings of angst, and I don't give him any time to start a conversation. For two years, he used our children as a contact method to harass me and I let it upset me, which only urged him on. Not everyone has psychotic exes, but for those who do, sometimes limiting or cutting off contact is the only thing you can do.
07-03-2008, 04:21 PM
yes, that is why they want to push custody is because she already told me she would do anything to ruin my life, even went so far as to call CPS and lied and said she feared for my children, my house was a dump, ect. and they came out and said considering i and my husband both work full time, they are amazed at how clean the house is!! I have applied 3 times for a restraining order, they keep saying that to get one either 1) you have to be related to the person or 2) you have to have been in a dating relationship with the person in question, which I was with him but not her. I have not spoken to him since the incident. it is her that sees us at the gas station, ect. and walks over to my hubby and tells him lies and tries to start a fight. my hubby (wonderful man that he is) is about to hit her, although he has never hit a woman in his life, and doesn't believe in it, becuase the cops, every time we call them, say there is nothing they can do, and i even have the surveileance tape from her kicking my car at the gas station, and she sits in front of my place of employment, which she has no reason to be at. she een showed up for one of my duaghter's softball games, just to mess with us.... i just want her to leave me alone. i hope they don't want anything to do with the baby, I know she would shake him or hit him or something, just to get at me. but with no chance of a restraining order, I don't know what to do anymore. they said if she assaults me AGAIN, then I can get one,,,, WTH?? thanks for your advice.... I don't really have anyone to talk with about this, even my own sister is on her/his side.....
07-03-2008, 04:32 PM
Well, you can probably feel confident that there is nothing they can do. Just don't give your child over! He doesn't have a leg to stand on, and neither does she. I hope for your sake they give up sooner rather than later, and that it doesn't escalate into more violence.
Ever considered moving states? Just kidding, thought I'd throw that out there for a laught :).
Speaking of which, what state do you live in that requires those guidelines for getting a restraining order? Sounds nutty, what do you do if you have a stalker(which is essentially what she is doing)?
07-03-2008, 04:40 PM
I would never give up my baby, I will fight to the death, litterally and figuratively before I let anyone hurt any of my baby's. we live in Idaho. I know it is messed up, they make certain laws for certain people, I think. What state are you in??
07-03-2008, 04:51 PM
Michigan. It is just as screwy here, albeit on different terms. Here, you can pretty much file a restraining order over anything. But then, on the flip side, there are other factors with the court system that are beyond messed up (especially regarding custody law). I could go on for days, but I don't want to bore you and I don't want to wind myself up.
Unfortunately, you can't stop jerks from being jerks. You can only control how you react to them. (or don't react)
You should be fine, and I wouldn't worry about what they want or what they think--so long as they don't go so far as to harm you or your family. If they do, do what you need to do (legally, I mean).
On a much happier note, how far along are you? Do you know if it is a boy or a girl? I'm 8 months along with baby #4, a boy. That makes 2 girls, and now 2 boys. My fourth, and final, child! We'll call this one "a product of Mexico and tequila." :P
07-03-2008, 06:13 PM
I am 7 months along. it is a boy. we have a 6 yr. old girl and a 3 yr. old girl. we had a baby boy in between the girls, but he died of a tera-toma tumor the day he was born. Unfortunately, I am having all kinds of complications with this one, due to stress (gee, I wonder where that's coming from). I am new to this message board stuff, is everyone here as nice as you seem?>?>
07-03-2008, 07:29 PM
lol, I don't know about everyone else--I am new at this forum too. I did forums when I was pregnant with my first and second (through AOL at the time), but then I got away from it. I signed up with parenting.com because I have a subscription and I needed to change my address, but I didn't start using the forums until just recently (other than one random question when I first signed up). I'd like to believe everyone is nice, I haven't actually witnessed any mean posts.
I'm sorry to hear about your son, and I hope this pregnancy and birth goes much better. Other than I'm having a huge baby boy, not much is different. Lots of contractions (braxton hicks) and I can't breathe, but aside from that I think all systems are go. I've been spending a lot of time sitting in my lazyboy and rocking (because I can't sit straight up, and this allows me to lean back a little) and tooling around on my laptop...in the forums, no less. At least I'm in the living room, in the center of the family activity, and I can keep an eye on all my kids. I just wish I could be more fun, but I'm limited on my mobility these days (because I cannot breathe).
07-03-2008, 11:37 PM
ever think of hiring a hit man to take those losers out, LOL. I can't believe you can get a restraining order! thats kinda retarded. I guess if you want to stalk someone move to Idaho!!! Try not to stress to much over it. Your only going to put yourself and you baby in danger by doing so. When this phsyco comes up to you again pretend she doesn't exisit. It seems like she gets off more on your reaction then anything else. As for the custody issue, I highly doubt any child judge would award custody to them (from what you told us) so dont worry about.
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