Random_Hegdehogs
07-01-2008, 06:05 PM
When a home pregnancy test gave a positive result, I was filled with fear. My husband and I were planning on having children – one day – not this soon. There was no doubt that HedgeHusband would be thrilled; he was looking forward to being a father. I was very uncertain, for many reasons.
To most people, I describe my past as “colorful.” It’s a safe way to shut out questions. The reality is that my childhood was painful and I am estranged from my family. My brother and I were neglected and physically abused by our parents. I was sexually abused by a family member. (I was honest about my past with the OB. That’s a different story: medical staff was not sure how to treat with me.)
Home was not a safe place for me. Once I was 18, I moved out on my own and struggled to get by. Lonely, full of shame and wrestling with depression, I attempted suicide. As strange as it sounds, surviving suicide was the best things that ever happened to me. I started therapy and the long journey to becoming healthy and whole.
Even after many years of therapy and marriage to a wonderful man, I still feel like an outsider in social situations. My journey to adulthood was so different from my peers. After everything I had been through, could I raise a child? Could I even relate to the experiences my daughter or son will have? I felt awkward among friends and co-workers, now I feel like a freak among other mothers.
One of the victims of my emotional turmoil was my education. Going to college was difficult in many ways. Eventually, I found a career I loved and started to take classes part-time in order to get my bachelor’s degree and advance in this field. After seven years of hard work, I was laid off from my job after my maternity leave was over.
The other night, my husband and I were discussing our future. I feel very lost. Losing my job was a blow to my self-esteem. My work was the only thing I felt good at doing. I haven’t completed the degree and doubt that I can go back to school. (The campus is in another town. Gas and tuition are expensive. On-line courses are not an option – there are none offered for my major, biology.)
Our daughter was born premature. She had jaundice, followed by colic. She is now nine months old and quite healthy (thank goodness), but still not sleeping through the night.
I feel like a failure. No education, a social outcast and a poor mother.
To most people, I describe my past as “colorful.” It’s a safe way to shut out questions. The reality is that my childhood was painful and I am estranged from my family. My brother and I were neglected and physically abused by our parents. I was sexually abused by a family member. (I was honest about my past with the OB. That’s a different story: medical staff was not sure how to treat with me.)
Home was not a safe place for me. Once I was 18, I moved out on my own and struggled to get by. Lonely, full of shame and wrestling with depression, I attempted suicide. As strange as it sounds, surviving suicide was the best things that ever happened to me. I started therapy and the long journey to becoming healthy and whole.
Even after many years of therapy and marriage to a wonderful man, I still feel like an outsider in social situations. My journey to adulthood was so different from my peers. After everything I had been through, could I raise a child? Could I even relate to the experiences my daughter or son will have? I felt awkward among friends and co-workers, now I feel like a freak among other mothers.
One of the victims of my emotional turmoil was my education. Going to college was difficult in many ways. Eventually, I found a career I loved and started to take classes part-time in order to get my bachelor’s degree and advance in this field. After seven years of hard work, I was laid off from my job after my maternity leave was over.
The other night, my husband and I were discussing our future. I feel very lost. Losing my job was a blow to my self-esteem. My work was the only thing I felt good at doing. I haven’t completed the degree and doubt that I can go back to school. (The campus is in another town. Gas and tuition are expensive. On-line courses are not an option – there are none offered for my major, biology.)
Our daughter was born premature. She had jaundice, followed by colic. She is now nine months old and quite healthy (thank goodness), but still not sleeping through the night.
I feel like a failure. No education, a social outcast and a poor mother.