Hitting and intentional bad behavior

[TREEKELLEY]

Okay, I need some help here. My DS is turning 3 in one week... for the last 6 months we have been dealing with behavior issues, mostly while at daycare. First they just complained he was very busy... had a hard time settling down and sitting still. At that time he was only going to daycare 2 days a week, I wondered if it was a problem with the rules and schedule being different every other day. Also during this time I gave birth to my 2nd DS. Shortly after the 2nd son arrived my son began to be somewhat defiant and would not listen. We got a grip on this at home and it began to appear that they had gotten a grip on it at daycare too. Now once again it seems they are reporting bad behavior to me... First it was that he wouldn't listen... his favorite phrase became "I don't want to...." whatever he was being told or asked to do. If I told him to pick up his toys he said "I don't want to pick up my toys" if I said it was time for a bath "I don't want to take a bath". I started putting him in time out if he didn't listen and do what I said. Now I can tell him to do something and if he refuses I will give him the choice of the task or a time out - naturally he chooses the task. He still has his hyper periods where he acts crazy energetic... but I feel we are able to control it at home to some extent. But at daycare they have said he has begun hitting the other children - first they said he was just hitting them on the hand...but now they are saying he is hitting in the face. I have been so shocked by this report because we don't see him do things like this... but then again we don't know alot of people with toddlers so he is not often around other children while with us so we wouldn't have the opportunity to see how he handles other children and sharing and what not. I am really unsure of what to do about this, but as you can imagine daycare is pressuring me. to fix this NOW. I talk to him until I am blue in the face, repeating "we don't hit people" "we keep our hands to ourselves" "we don't touch anyone" "it's not nice to hit"... "we hit balls, not people".... blah blah blah. We have these talks in the evening when I learn of these behaviors and we have these talks in the morning on our way to daycare. He repeats what I say but whether he "gets it" or not, I don't know. Today we decided to take something away from him, Nogin...he loves to watch his Nogin shows... so we figure we would try to take something away that he likes and see how that goes... but I really could use some advice from parents who have gotten through this and successfully deterred their child from hitting...

They also reported today that he was doing things he knew he shouldn't and watching them while he did as though waiting for their reaction. They said when they spoke to him a couple of times he laughed like he thought it was funny. What is this all about? Anyone have any input on this?

The daycare he is in right now is a group daycare with 12 children ranging age 2 to 5. In the fall I will be switching him to a Learning Center where the children are divided into age groups so he will be with all 3 year olds, learning age appropriate curriculum.

I do think that sometimes the daycare expects him to behave and understand the way the older children do.

Help.

[fuzzy]

Hi!Well I haven't experienced this with my own child but I have worked in a daycare before...with that said;what is the daycare doing as part of discipline?I really think that you aren't going to be able to solve the daycare issues unless you are there.If your ds doesn't respect the daycare workers autority,then he will never listen to them or see the negative consequence.In my opinion,It's going to have to be daycare staff dealing with the behaviour and hitting at the daycare to stop it from happening.When i worked at the daycare we dealt with every behaviour and never made it seem like the parents fault!We did time-outs and privilege loss;It was successful most of the time ( when a parent uses spanking as discipline it's hard to get a child to learn from time-outs).
I guess the long and short of it is~The daycare should be handling the behaviours when your son is there!If your doing your part at home,that's all you can do!

[TREEKELLEY]

Yeah, that is exactly the way they are causing me to feel - as though I need to fix this and send him back in the following day behaving perfectly. I have a hard time disciplining him for something he did several hours before that I didn't see. But I do repeatedly talk to him about these things and tell them these things are not good behavior and that it makes me sad. As far as discipline, they talk to him and some of the time put him in timeout. They are actually the ones who got me to start using time out at home, which I do. They felt that we needed to be doing the same things at home as they are at daycare, which I can agree consistency is the best approach. But I really don't know why he is hitting other children nor why he is testing them the way he is? It disturbs me but I am unsure what to do about it. I ask him why he hits and he doesn't answer, I don't know if he yet understands the question "why?". But these people have to realize I do take it seriously, it doesn't make me happy, and I do talk to him over and over about it. I just can't make miracles happen over night. And when I have never seen this behavior out of him myself...it is really diffiicult to handle.

[MommaC]

I'm with fuzzy. The most effective discipline and learning happens IN THE MOMENT. When he hits, he needs to have an immediate consequence (and know what it's for). IN THE MOMENT he needs to be taught what he SHOULD do instead and be given an opportunity to practice that behavior. It really sounds like you're doing your part. Don't flip out about having a "naughty" child. A lot of kids hit this stage at 2, but my friend's little boy hit it at 3...and it was WORSE than the Terrible Two's. But he came out of it. He's back to being a lovable, loving kid. Remain consistent in your discipline and impress upon the daycare that you're paying them to "parent" your son while you're away. For parents who are potty-training, do they just tell the parents when they arrive that their child had an accident and needs to be changed 4 hours after the incident? No. That would be absurd. Why should social behaviors be treated any differently? Handle it, for crying out loud! Here's hoping the next daycare has a bit more common sense. :) Good luck to you!

[kaiya23]

Your next daycare situation is ideal...my daughter is in a similar learning center type daycare.

If you are still stuck dealing with daytime behavior at night, consider some sort of sticker chart or something to keep track of it. If he gets a bad report, he doesn't get a sticker. Stickers add up to a day out with mommy/daddy only (not little bro, the other parent gets a day with him). Go per week, not any longer. If on Friday he's behaved both for you and daycare, take him for ice cream or to the zoo. Maybe the daycare workers can get in on it too...bring the stickers to the daycare, when you pick him up, they give him the sticker if he was good. That way they have them available to "threaten" him with if he's getting into something he shouldn't.

I'm glad you're moving him somewhere else, this place sounds like it's a little out of hand.

[catadmin]

There is some information that is not given with this problem (possibly from lack of space) Because of the engery level this child displays, I would guess that he's tired and unable or unwilling to deal with fustration and normal problems with normal reactions. Children bounce off the walls from being tired. Adults slow down under the same conditions. Kids speed up.

At the daycare:

Why does your son hit people? (someone took a toy? etc?)

What ages does he hit? (mostly 2 years olds?)

Is there a child that he hits the most? (one child can produce irretants he doesn't like.

What time of day does he begin to hit or misbehave? (just before lunch?)

Does your son take a nap at daycare? (children under the age of five need naps and quite times)



At Home:

Do you put him to bed so he gets 8-12 hours of sleep a night and do it at the same time each day?

Does he eat with his family at the same time each day?

What does he eat? (is he a picky eatter)

When does he misbehave at home (when the baby is awake?)

When the problem was fixed earlier, how did you do it? (does this method still work and have you continued to use it?)

First I see this as a complexed problem and it's going to require a simple method of ending it.

I would suggest not explaining anything any further as all this has been told to him already. He knows what he should and should not be doing.

Once the second offense occurs (or he argues with the parent or care giver continuly) put him back to bed. You may say "Seems you didn't get enough rest last night and need to go back to bed so you'll feel better about yourself."

When he's put back to bed make sure he actually sleeps and it's not a time out period.

If he gets out of bed, put him back. Do this until your' the boss and he stays.

By doing this you will be giving him engery to approach his problems with normal levels of emotions. He will also know you don't tolerate bad behavior and he can expect to go to bed to 'feel better' each time unless he finds a way to handle situations better.

If you explain things and allow him to either discuss it with you or argue at the time he misbehaves, then he believes he's can change the outcome and he will feel he's on peer level with you.

At the daycare ask them to put him to bed as you would do at home. Also, even though he's been to bed in the morning, if they nap (and they should) he is to nap as always anyway.

This will stop his behavior.