Struggling with guilt

[kaiya23]

I know my profile reads "parenting pro"....that's just because I like to talk about my kid. And I've read the posts about the perfect mommies out there, I think I even responded.

But today my daughter's daycare had their 4th of July party where there were activities for the kids set up in the gym. She hasn't been to daycare all summer as I teach and do not have daily responsibilities in the summer. But I brought her for the party to get away from the house. I went in, and there were kids who had developed right on time and were walking and talking. And there were mommies who had come from work in their expensive suits with their hair perfect and their makeup perfect and their flat little tummies. I walked with my 14 mo. old daughter holding my hands around to different activities and one mom asked me how old she was and was surprised that she wasn't walking yet. She's not walking, she doesn't even stand up on her own. I've tried working with her and I cheer her on with everything new that she does. And this mom, who I respect (she has a cute little kid too), described how her son was up and walking at 10 months and hasn't stopped since.

I feel like my daughter is behind developmentally...the walking and standing, and she didn't break through a tooth until 10 months. We're working on using utensils, and drinking from cups, and she's done well with the sippy cup, transition from bottle to cup was a breeze. And the child eats everything, she hasn't made a face to anything she's put in her mouth. But it feels like she's behind and that moms that I've talked to keep trying to one-up me when I share where she is at. And maybe I've done the same thing and it's just coming back around to me. But I felt like I wasn't doing my job in my jeans and shirt that are a bit too small b/c I don't have money to shop and half my clothing is still prepregnancy stuff I try to squeeze into. And my hair wasn't done, it was in a ponytail. I haven't had it cut or styled in over a year and it looks shabby. And makeup...what's that? There just seemed to be a lot of pressure to have everything right.

I worry that my first month of pregnancy is holding her back. That first month I didn't know I was pregnant. I was on medication that while it hasn't been proven a hazard for pregnancy it wasn't recommended. And I was having a rough month and enjoyed several wine coolers over each weekend that month, plus some alcoholic fun over the weekend of my sister's wedding. I'm not generally a heavy drinker. As soon as that test came back positive, there was no alcohol or meds. Did I damage this kid with that stuff? Is she going to develop slow in everything? Is she going to struggle with learning things, with ADD (my reason for those meds), with social interactions? I'm so worried that she'll be behind in everything, and while I love her and will support her wherever she ends up, I just know it's harder to be behind. And it makes me feel like I'm failing her, all this pressure to keep up.

AF is supposed to be here today, but there's a chance that she may not be here since I've been naseus for two weeks without explanation. So maybe my ability to deal with this is a little skewed, but I'm still having rough day with it all.

[katie_bug]

Take a deep breath..... I felt like a complete failure as a mother last week. I wanted to cry, run away, hide.... we all have those days. Don't worry too much about your 14 month old. My daughter didn't get a tooth untill after she turned one and didn't walk until she was 14-15 months old. She's 4 years old now. You couldn't tell she was a late bloomer. My daughter goes to a very good 'private' preschool that I could surprisingly afford and when I do get to show up for functions, I am the only Military mom in my daughter's class. All the moms show up in cute office clothes, manicures, perfect hair... I show up in combat boots, BDU's, and my hair is always up (and its never cute). Hold your head up high. You do what you can for your little one. As long as you know your daughter is happy and healthy, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Its also as if having children is another way for us women to compete against other women with. My daughter is always dressed better than I am, big deal. Alot of the other moms also assume I'm gone and therefore less of a mother. If I took everyone to heart, I'd be a suicidal mess. Don't stress. It sounds as if you care about her very much. Keep doing what your doing, it sounds to me like she's loved and cared for and thats all that matters.

[autymsmommy]

It is logical and expected to be concerned about your daughter. BUT it is illogical to feel guilty about something that you had no say over, that you had no way of knowing, in regard to the comment about your lifestyle when you were pregnant. I think God must have factored that most women wouldn't know about their pregnancy until later into it, lol. I was almost 4 months along with my daughter when I found out. I was 16 and a VERY "bad" girl, so to speak. I did drugs and I drank heavily... I quit everything cold turkey when I found out I was pregnant, so then add the detox and withdrawel to the stress of the pregnancy... It was a miracle she popped out healthy and is a beautiful, smart, confident 6 year old today. I'm not condoning what I did, but I do think that God knew that when I found out I was pregnant I would do nothing more to jeopardize my child. YOU HAD NO CLUE YOU WERE PREGNANT. And as for feeling bad because you aren't dressed up like the other moms, I'd feel sorry for THEM. Who has the time unless you're OCD or that concerned about image to be dressed up and pretty for a daycare event? Who would want to be? That's got to be awfully uncomfortable and time consuming... :) Keep your chin up. Your daughter will think your beautiful no matter what you do for a living, no matter how dressed up you are, and she will always know that you loved her enough to be concerned about her. At least you show up to her school stuff. Alot of more "well off" children can't say that about their parents...

[Jena32]

Don't worry about it, we have all been there and had those days when we feel inadequate on both sides of the coin( Working moms and stay at home moms).

I wouldn't worry to much about her not walking yet give it a few more months and if she doesn't start trying then take her to the doctor and go from there.

It took a while but I finally realized that no mom is perfect and i stopped getting involved in the competition conversations. I have one that walked and talked very early, one that walked and talked very late and one right in the middle so what's the point in comparing? Every child is different and it seems that first time moms are the ones who want to do all the comparing.. I just ignore it.

You have to stop putting so much guilt on yourself, you didn't know you were pregnant and if your child does end up with development problems it's not your fault or her fault and you'll work through it together:0

You have a beautiful healthy baby just enjoy her and let go of all the anxiety and you'll both be better off. Good Luck hun

[luckymama2]

Mommy guilt is the worst sometimes huh? Anyways, I wanted to let you know that my husband's cousin is a physical therapist that works with infants & children and she told me the last time I saw her that the normal range for walking is 10-18months!!! I was shocked it was so long of a range....but I do know someone whose baby did not walk until almost 18 months and is a perfectly fine, RUNNING, 3 year old today. Every child is different...my daughter walked at about 9.5 months where as my son is 10 months and is no where near! Comparing is so silly............all children are beautiful and go at their own pace.....don't worry and enjoy that your baby is being a "baby like" a bit longer. With my daughter I felt like she was a toddler already before she was even 1 bc she was so advanced in things...she was running fast by 10 months...but with my son now I feel like he's little longer....not really, but it seems so bc he isn't running around and I still get to carry him around a lot. :)

[kaiya23]

Thanks ladies.

Those hormones were raging, let me tell you. And I have trouble with logical reasoning when I get like that. I can't think straight and my patience with my daughter is strained. I've been naseus for two weeks, worried that I was pregnant again (we're just really broke), then AF came with a vengeance this weekend. But I'm still naseus. I just want my appetite back.

Thanks again!

[charliesmommy]

Next time someone says they can't believe your baby isn't doing this or that you should tell them that your doctor isn't conerned and ask how they would feel if they were in your shoes and you just said that to them.

[jesq]

Hi,, first time posting...

I am a first time mom who had a lot of complications during my pregancy which caused my daughter to be born at 34 weeks and only weigh 3.9 lbs. When ever we go to the doctors our daughter is always within the 10-25 % range, when she first was born is in the >3% range. We are always struggling with her weight to gain a certain percentage or she is behind on the "chart of skills", but then a week later she gains more weight and she ends up doing things at her own time and pace.

My daughter is also 14 months old, and she ended up climing up on sofas and walking before she decided she wanted to crawl. She never had the desire to want to crawl until she found out she had freedom to do so.

We all have our own experiences and our own way of taking care of our children, don't let other women make you feel bad. I would rather have my hair in a pony tail and take time to read to my daughter instead. So next time someone makes you feel bad about yourself, remember to tell yourself that you are a good mom and it doesn't matter what others think, you know the truth... hope this helps.

Take care