Fighting brings suicidal thoughts

[puddin_pops_mama]

Ugh. Let me preface this by saying that I have no plans to take my own life. But I'd like to be able to share honestly.

I do not have any friends in the city I live in (we've been here for about 9 months). I know some other moms, and I've tried to meet friends, but it's hard as a stay-at-home parent. So it's just me, baby and the husband. I've always been very independent, both in my personality and financial situation (I've worked hard to get there). Now, as a stay-at-home mom, I don't bring in any money, which is a blow to my feeling of self-value. I don't do much for myself, though I am beginning to work out a lot more, which is always a boost to my self-esteem.

Here's the issue. When my husband and I have a disagreement, I get to a really dark place. It's like my PPD has come back full force. I have fantasies about suicide. I don't take any action, but I think about how great it would be not to feel so alone and exhausted and worthless anymore. Our fights almost always go the same way - there is an issue that we can't agree on, someone gets their feelings hurt, anger happens, and that person shuts off. We stop talking (outside of the necessary communications regarding our daughter), and sleep in separate rooms. This can go on for days. But when I'm already so lonely, this is just torture. It didn't matter so much when I had friends to vent to, and didn't have to worry about taking care of a baby all day. But now I have no one, I don't want to scare my family with my thoughts, and I don't know what to do.

I did approach my husband and tell him how valueless I feel, and how lonely and terrified I am. He told me that I need to get over it. He is usually a very sensitive and caring man. But when he feels that he's done something wrong or hurt my feelings, he tends to try to make me feel badly about myself (almost subconsciously).

I don't know what to do. I am hurting so badly, and I don't know who to reach out to, or how to do it.

[Newmom!]

I can understand the stay-at-home issues you have. Fortunately I haven't had the fighting you have. I have some ideas, I hope you find them helpful.

Since is sounds like you have suffered from PPD, talk to your doctor again. Maybe you still need to be working on it (counseling, meds, etc).

Try talking to your husband again, this time make sure you two are on good terms and try to make all of what you say reflect upon you and not him (I get so lonely when I sleep alone, I have thoughts of suicide when I get angry/overly tired. Etc.) That way he can see how you feel, but he doesn't feel like you are accusing him of anything. Maybe you two should consider counseling so you can learn how to have healthy fights - if he will not go, then you go, and you can at least do your part to fight healthy.

Okay, you also need more friends. Go to http://www.momadvice.com/parenting/finding_mom_groups.aspx there are links to many mom's groups, you can find a local chapter of one of them in your area.

Make an effort to get out of the house with your little one. Take him to the pet store to look at the fish and caged animals, go to the library - find out if there is an infant and toddler story time. While there, make contact with the other moms. Go to the park and just chat up another mom with a young kid there. It might seem hard to do, but the worst that will happen is you will never see that person again and the best is that you will become friends.

Invite the mom's you do know over for a play date. There is a small group of us that met at our hospital's new mom group that get together about once a month at each others homes and in the summer we meet weekly for walking in the park (and this summer it will probably be playing as our babies are older).

Get involved at your church or other groups. I belong to a quilting group, I don't do much, just play with my baby and give ideas, but it is nice to be out with other adults, and they love having a baby around.

As far as increasing your feeling of self worth, you aren't bringing in income, so make yourself feel worthy by trying to save what your husband brings in. Create a budget, clip coupons, create a meal plan with inexpensive items, make gifts when they are needed instead of buying them, etc. And most importantly, remember that you are raising your child, that is worth more than you could earn at any job, and you are saving at least $500 a month by not paying for childcare.

Keep working out, and when you can't, dance with your baby to music. Even as your baby just watches or plays with something else, keep dancing until you are out of breath. That defiantly counts as a workout.

And remember, you are not alone in how you feel. My baby is a year old and I still have days and weeks where I feel utterly exhausted, and many times that I am calling up every person I know hoping to find someone to talk to. But on the other hand, Going out and doing stuff with baby makes everything better. Keep working on finding other stay at home moms you can relate to - having a friendship/support network regarding motherhood should help some of your issues. Good luck.

[GreenPixie]

I know this gets tossed around a lot but it sounds like you both could use a little therapy to help improve communication. Are you on antidepressants? Could help. My husband is on antidepressants for sever depression. They are a life save for our relationship. Even so he still gets depressed some times. When he does he can't see beyond himself. Like I can look in the fridge and say casually "Oh it looks like we are out of milk." Normally he understands that this means I would like him to help me remember to get more when we go to the store and that really it had nothing to do with him. But when he is depressed he thinks that I am blaming him for drinking all the milk and out of the blue I get something like "Oh so it's my fault we don't have any milk! You know you drink milk too!" When he is depressed all rationality goes out the window and everything I say is an attack on him because his self esteem takes a hit. If he thinks he is worthless then he thinks that I must think he is worthless also, so everything I say becomes a reflection of that even when it never is. (I think he is the most awesome person I know! Why else would I have married him?) He can't tell when he is depressed so there is no point in saying "You seem depressed today. Why don't you rethink your position on the milk!"

What I am trying to say is that when one person in a relationship has depression it can make fights over things that don't really need to be fought over and if the other person in the relationship doesn't understand this it will only escalate the misunderstanding. You might be more depressed then you think and he might need to learn to communicate better and the fixing of both of those things can be facilitated by counseling but you can start by talking it over with your doctor.

[GreenPixie]

puddin_pops_mama I just read some of your older post that I hadn't seen yet and it looks like you do understand your depression and are on antidepressants so just take my last post, instead, as prospective from what it is like to be on the other side of a relationship like this. I love my husband even when he cant see it and I would be willing to bet your husband loves you just as much but has trouble communicating and coping with a situation that can be really frustrating. I have a hard time because I would do anything to help my husband when he is depressed but there is really nothing I can do for him except be sensitive and wait it out and talk it through with him when he is feeling better. But it is really frustrating to see someone you love being hurt and not being able to do anything about it. Your husband might be feeling the same way, helpless or like maybe its his fault because he helped to create this life that has you so depressed. I know I feel like that sometimes. Letting him know that your depression is not his fault and that the best thing he can do to help is be supportive instead of shutting down might make him feel better and open up the lines of communication. Tell him that not talking for day makes it worse say that if you could have 15 minutes of his time after a fight and after you both have cooled down so that you can talk it through and then leave it behind you would help you a lot. Knowing what to do and having a plan might help him cope better, its a guy kind of thing to do and talking it through is a girl kind of thing to do. Something for everyone.

[mamaj120]

Greenpixie - great posts!