ccmommy
06-13-2008, 08:20 PM
I posted this on another step mom forum but I don't think anyone saw it and I could really use some advice so here goes:
Okay, any other custodial step moms on here? My step son lives with us full time and as much as I love him some days it's incredibly hard!
I get so SICK of hearing about how great his mother is when she has done NOTHING for him. Literally. Her nickname among my husbands family and the majority of people who know our situation is "the egg donor," because as far as anyone is concerned that is my son.
Except to him. I clothe him. I feed him. I tuck him in and put up with his hellashish tantrums and fits and I'm the one who has to somehow make it better when she goes off her meds and treats him like crap again. (We have a pretty basic custody agreement.)
For some reason even though she beat him senseless the first four years of his life the SUN shines out of that woman's butt and I can't for the life of me understand it! I know it's STUPID and selfish and he's only a little boy but he supposedly behaves so well for her, and he's a complete BRAT for me and his father. He'll be good as long as there is something in it for him and has NO problem telling you that. On top of which, he's a totally different child when his dad isn't home. He lies, he manipulates, and is basically your all around problem kid. His teachers at school cannot stand him, and if it weren't for the fact that he is absolutely BRILLIANT academically they probably would have retained him for behavior alone. His father blames the teachers of course. (As a former teacher--- I would have had him kicked out of my class and that is NOT an overstatement.)
My husband knows I try my best, and he appreciates what I do. But I'm so busy getting the laundry done and the house remodeled and cooking dinner and trying to I don't know BE HIS MOM, that I don't have TIME to take him miniature golfing just because he feels like it, and I can't HELP the fact that he was such a strange combination of bully/crybaby at school that NO ONE wants to be friends with him. He makes no effort to make "friends." And I want to help him! We've put him in counseling and pay a fortune for the BEST daycare around (they go on all sorts of fun field trips and activities...) but nothing matters.
Daddy is his world and the only one he listens to in our house. I'm negligable. My husband tells me that no one wants to listen to my pity party so I don't even bring this up at home anymore. He just doesn't believe that I deal with a different child everyday than he does.
Whats SAD is that his behavior has IMPROVED since his Dad and I got together! He used to throw tantrums. (He's even punched me in the mouth before. Busted my lip good because I wouldn't quit singing while I watered the plants and he wanted me to...)
Some days he's so sweet and good but I find it hard to believe it because he's been such a good "actor" for as long as I've known him. I mean how WRONG am I to completely not trust a six year old boy?? I feel guilty and terrible all the time because I love him so much and want such good things for him...but even though his Daddy recognizes the problems he has he just thinks I'm being a titty baby about how my son treats me. Maybe I am. :-( On mothers day he made me such cute pictures and cards and I cried I was so touched...but when it came to the pictures he had taken at daycare that said "I love my mommy" all around it he gave all of those to his mother. I realize she DID bring him into the world and I'm being unreasonable but in my head that is MY baby. All of the books tell me that I'm just going to have to get over it because this is the way it's going to be for the rest of eternity.
My question is...how do you get over hurt feelings and jealousy? I honestly don't know if the child actual cares about me, or if he's just putting up with me because he's smart enough to know I'm not going anywhere. Why in the world do I need justification from a CHILD? How pathetic is that?? :-(
Am I out of line and unjustified in my feelings? I know it's silly but I can't wait for my new baby to get here because for some sick reason I think "well at least she will genuinely love and need me and not just use me to get what she wants..."
Okay, any other custodial step moms on here? My step son lives with us full time and as much as I love him some days it's incredibly hard!
I get so SICK of hearing about how great his mother is when she has done NOTHING for him. Literally. Her nickname among my husbands family and the majority of people who know our situation is "the egg donor," because as far as anyone is concerned that is my son.
Except to him. I clothe him. I feed him. I tuck him in and put up with his hellashish tantrums and fits and I'm the one who has to somehow make it better when she goes off her meds and treats him like crap again. (We have a pretty basic custody agreement.)
For some reason even though she beat him senseless the first four years of his life the SUN shines out of that woman's butt and I can't for the life of me understand it! I know it's STUPID and selfish and he's only a little boy but he supposedly behaves so well for her, and he's a complete BRAT for me and his father. He'll be good as long as there is something in it for him and has NO problem telling you that. On top of which, he's a totally different child when his dad isn't home. He lies, he manipulates, and is basically your all around problem kid. His teachers at school cannot stand him, and if it weren't for the fact that he is absolutely BRILLIANT academically they probably would have retained him for behavior alone. His father blames the teachers of course. (As a former teacher--- I would have had him kicked out of my class and that is NOT an overstatement.)
My husband knows I try my best, and he appreciates what I do. But I'm so busy getting the laundry done and the house remodeled and cooking dinner and trying to I don't know BE HIS MOM, that I don't have TIME to take him miniature golfing just because he feels like it, and I can't HELP the fact that he was such a strange combination of bully/crybaby at school that NO ONE wants to be friends with him. He makes no effort to make "friends." And I want to help him! We've put him in counseling and pay a fortune for the BEST daycare around (they go on all sorts of fun field trips and activities...) but nothing matters.
Daddy is his world and the only one he listens to in our house. I'm negligable. My husband tells me that no one wants to listen to my pity party so I don't even bring this up at home anymore. He just doesn't believe that I deal with a different child everyday than he does.
Whats SAD is that his behavior has IMPROVED since his Dad and I got together! He used to throw tantrums. (He's even punched me in the mouth before. Busted my lip good because I wouldn't quit singing while I watered the plants and he wanted me to...)
Some days he's so sweet and good but I find it hard to believe it because he's been such a good "actor" for as long as I've known him. I mean how WRONG am I to completely not trust a six year old boy?? I feel guilty and terrible all the time because I love him so much and want such good things for him...but even though his Daddy recognizes the problems he has he just thinks I'm being a titty baby about how my son treats me. Maybe I am. :-( On mothers day he made me such cute pictures and cards and I cried I was so touched...but when it came to the pictures he had taken at daycare that said "I love my mommy" all around it he gave all of those to his mother. I realize she DID bring him into the world and I'm being unreasonable but in my head that is MY baby. All of the books tell me that I'm just going to have to get over it because this is the way it's going to be for the rest of eternity.
My question is...how do you get over hurt feelings and jealousy? I honestly don't know if the child actual cares about me, or if he's just putting up with me because he's smart enough to know I'm not going anywhere. Why in the world do I need justification from a CHILD? How pathetic is that?? :-(
Am I out of line and unjustified in my feelings? I know it's silly but I can't wait for my new baby to get here because for some sick reason I think "well at least she will genuinely love and need me and not just use me to get what she wants..."