Working Mom Help

[katie_bug]

I just want some input and don't even know where to start. I am a mother to a 4 yr old girl, 6 months pregnant with a boy, I serve in the military, and I am stretched. I feel like when I get home from work that I have to play this "super mom" and I am made to feel so guilty when I fail at that. I am trying so hard to do my job with out distractions and come home to be a domestic goddess who after a full day of work can clean the house, cook dinner and complete laundry. Due to my job, I was gone from my family for 5 months and it is thrown into my face everytime my husband and I argue. He thinks that every waking moment should be spent with my daughter when I'm home. When I pick up a magazine or a book, I am the world's worst mother. Now that a baby is comming, he tells me that my daughter will resent me even more. By next summer I will most likely deploy. I love my child, but I also want "me" time occasionally. How do I balance this?!? I am streched and I can't perform miracles.

[autymsmommy]

Wow, I am so sorry. My first instinct is defense on your part - you're out there serving our country and your husband isn't supportive when you need a little "me" time? I'm sorry I can't give you much advice on this one, except that maybe HE is feeling neglected and using your children as an excuse because he wants to spend more time with you??

[lou]

that's what I was thinking. I don't think you should be at all guilty for wanting me time. you're working incredibly hard and deserve me time.

[happymother]

I have an 18 month old boy and am 6 weeks pregnant with our second child. I travel occasionally for work (but not much compared to what you have to do). I think guilt is there whether you are away for 3 days a month, or 3 months. My husband is very supportive of when I have to be away and also allows me my personal time when I am home without adding to my guilt. Your husband must have known you would have to be away when married and when you decided to have children. It is unfair for him to throw your absences in your face when you argue. Maybe there is something else going on there. Maybe he just misses you and is scared about having to take care of 2 children by himself when you are away. Try to talk about this when you are both calm, well rested, and when your daughter is asleep or otherwise not around. Maybe he needs to understand that, if you get some time to yourself, you can be better for him and your children.
As for trying to be a domestic goddess and do all of those things around the house - give it up sister! I am a bit of a control freak and wanted things to be just so perfect when my son came into the world. I realized that as long as I work 40 or more hours a week and want to spend time with my husband and son when I am at home, sometimes other things are going to fall through the cracks. I read something that another mother wrote one time which simply stated "When my son grows up I'd rather him remember how much time I spent playing with him and reading to him, and not how clean our house was." Do what you can around the house, but make sure you spend time with your family while you can. That's what they'll remember later.
Good luck!!

[tangerinelullaby]

*hugs* I feel exactly the same way. Do not let anyone make you think or feel that you are a bad mother. We are working hard, we're taking care of the children, and of course we deserve a time of our own.

I guess that for this situation, spend time as much as you can with your family and at the same time, allot a time for yourself where you can go out by yourself or with your husband. I know this is not an easy task.

You are doing a great, Mommy. :)

I hope things go well by the time you're reading this.

-Yvie

[kaiya23]

I applaud you for working so hard for your country.

It does sound like a lot of things need to be sorted out with your husband. If that relationship is not communicating, everything else will fall to pieces. So drop the housework and communicate. As long as you are eating and the dishes you use are clean and you have clean clothes to wear (even if they're in a big pile in the laundry room), use your time to repair your marriage relationship. It seems to have taken a hit while you were away.

And once you know how he feels about things, make sure there is a compromise. If he is just flat out overwhelmed by the stress of having you away and the prospect of doing it again with an infant, try to figure out a way to make it easier on him, even if it means some sort of career change....I know it's drastic, and it may not be possible, but you have to take care of your family first.

[ra11en]

As a working mom, my heart goes out to you. And as an American, my hats off to you for the sacrafice you make for our country. Without men and women like you, this country would be in deplorable shape. Thank you so much for what you do outside the home, and I'm so sorry to hear that you get the grief you do inside the home.

It is hard as a working mom. To balance, you have to continually remind yourself of what is REALLY important in the grand scheme. Keeping your home spotless shouldn't be at the top of that list. I know that is hard to live with, but such is life. I hate getting home at 5pm and being bombarded by the state of the house and all the things I need to get done in just a few hours - dinner, bath, playing, bedtime routines, housecleaning, etc. Its a lot!! It helps me to always set aside the first 20 minutes of getting home to just be with my daughter and husband (if he is there). No chores, just quality time for us. I try to prep for the next night's dinner after my daughter is in bed for the night which saves a lot of time, as does laying out clothes and anything else I can do ahead of time. I also tend to make double the amount needed for one dinner so we have leftovers later in the week.

As for me time - shame on your husband for making you feel guilty. In his defense (not that he deserves any), that is typical male behavior. It has taken a lot of fighting and negotiating to get my husband accustomed to me getting at least one full day off every week. Even if I choose to spend that day with him and our daughter, it is my choice. Everyone needs that time. Whether we work inside or outside the home. One thing that helped open my husbands eyes was me writing down a list for every day that included all the chores needed to be done that day, as well as a family routine so he could clearly see what needed to be done and when. When he saw the list, and saw how my name was next to EVERYTHING on it while his was noticeably missing, he woke up big time. Of course, I also went on strike and refused to do anything in the home for him (laundry, cooking, etc). LOL

You deserve your time to yourself. It doesn't make you a bad mom or wife. In fact, it is just the opposite. Having time to yourself helps you recharge so you can have the energy and enthusiasm you need to have to do all the wife and mom tasks well.

Good luck!!

[katie_bug]

Just want to thank you guys for your responses. We've been trying to communicate a little better. My husband is the stay-at-home dad who is tired of being domestic and I realize he needs "me" time as well when I get home. Its still frusterating with this guilt that alot of working parents go through. I try and schedule time with my little one as much as I can as well. We discovered a new thing to do together and thats putting together puzzles. After the puzzle is put together we glue it and hang it up. While deployed, she can remember our puzzle times together. As for the house, its just gonna be what it is. Thank you for your encouragement! Its truley made my day!!!

[1st Time Mom - Again]

Just a few ideas. Some (or all) may make the burden easier.

If you work five days, that leaves you weekends (or 2 days somewhere) free. Give him one day and you take the other. Half of each weekend day should be spent as family time (zoo, park, playground, picnic, etc.) and the other half as "me" time for the one whose day it is. Also each of you take one evening during the week as "me" time, take one evening as "couple" time (hire a sitter if necessary) and use the other two days as "family" time. If he is a stay-at-home dad, the housework should be "mostly" done when you get home anyway - if not - make it part of family time. Make picking up after herself a game for your child and it will make things easier for him too.