Decode the Man-code for Me, Please??

[alisha.koch]

I have a wonderful husband who is in a very difficult degree program. He happens to be acing it, while only spending a few hours a day studying (compared to 6 hours average among the rest of his classmates).
The rest of his time is eaten up by hours of Bible reading (not that I'm opposed to that per se), searching online for information about our next duty station, searching online for places in the area to play rugby (because that is how he maxed his physical fitness test last time), and searching online for information on his Master's program that we won't even begin until after his next deployment (2012). (I understand this to be his "provider" drive in high gear?)
He constantly complains about how he doesn't have enough time to do everything he wants to do. Yet he constantly picks up extra-curriculars, only to drop them a few weeks later because he ends up with ZERO free time, including weekends. He is constantly complaining about not getting enough sleep. He constantly discusses worries about our next place of duty, his Master's program, his deployment, etc. Yet, he constantly wastes his time online doing things that are not pertinent to NOW.
He also complains that he and I do not get enough "we" time, and feels sexually unsatisfied. But with his busy schedule, I'm running around doing EVERYTHING else, just so that he can continue to work out to maintain his physical fitness standards, study and get sleep.
Yet, my son gets demoted constantly on the priority scale. I have to keep on him to spend time with him otherwise he'll leave for his deployment (which begins right after this school ends), be gone for a year, and Isaac won't know who he is! It breaks my heart that he's gone before Isaac gets up, he spends the time Isaac is awake studying, and Isaac gets a good night hug right before he goes to bed... and that can be it sometimes.
Sometimes he'll break out 2-3 hours in one night, and you can tell Isaac just LOVES it... but then later I'll get more complaining about how he doesn't have his work done and he's tired and so on and so forth. He's a good Daddy when he's there, but is it just that he is having problems balancing his time?
I'm tired too, I am up from 6am to 11pm usually, finishing chores and tasks around the home. I literally do EVERYTHING here. The most this man has to do is eat the breakfast I make, make his coffee, go to work, do his homework, do his workouts, spend a little time with our boy, eat the food I make, maintain a level of sanity, wash himself, brush his teeth and sleep. I do everything else. LITERALLY.
And I'm not going to set aside "we" time, when he can't even fit in regular periods of time to spend with his son! And I'm not the type of person who will tolerate constant complaining, when the solution is obvious and just being ignored. And if I don't keep on him, my son loses out on him, and when I do keep on him, he complains that I'm "mothering" and guilting him.
WHAT does this man expect from me? Dads out there, help me help my husband?

[chrisgiraffe]

I've been in his place. He sounds like the kind of guy who doesn't like to write things down, particularly schedules, which is to say he's managing his time in a very 'by the hip' kind of way. When you have all the time in the world you can do this but when you have a stack of responsibilities something has to give, be it the extra curriculars or the lack of planning. Obviously he needs to prioritize but part of that is making a realistic schedule. He needs to see how he's trying to steal time from other areas to make up for the fact that he has to make trade offs (i.e. giving up the extra curriculars).

A schedule starts with defining what is important in one's life and seeing how that fits into the 'now'. Ask him to take time and think about what can live with and can't live without. Perhaps he could make a list of things he gets a lot out of versus things that are extraneous or that could be done later. While doing this maybe you could work together to schedule 'we' time. It's important to know that free time is also essential and if he doesn't make time for it he'll find himself stealing it in other forms (e.g. all the mindless online browsing).

When you have the essentials nailed down, then try to see if it fits on a calendar.
You could ask him to lay out a trial schedule on, say, Sunday. No schedule is perfect. It's likely it will need tweaking and trade offs and as an adult he may have to make some but sometimes a little creativity can make trade offs less painful or even a trade up. The rugby is a good example. Perhaps he could substitute his Rugby games with some kind of exercise activity (hiking mountain trails, for example) that can be enjoyed/shared with you and your son that will give him close if not all the benefits rugby does and the added bonus of family/"we" time.

Women often think they have to be a mom to their husbands but the key is to talk to him on his terms and as a friend, which you are. Surely you were friends before you were married. I imagine approaching it as such. Explain to him that he's in a war and wars don't always involve guns and bullets. Sometimes they're a matter of management and self-control. Perhaps if you could show him that he has the strength to make changes and get his schedule under control he might even get excited about it. Tell him he's in defcon 5, code red and his schedule is whipping his a^^. Tell him he has to fight it with as much enthusiasm as he would any enemy on the field. Let him see it as a fun challenge and he might actually enjoy trying to figure out how to squeeze the most out of a tight working week.

Hang in there and best of luck!

[alisha.koch]

Wonderful suggestions! We won't be able to do the thing where we workout together. He is currently in an exemption status, where he doesn not have to workout with his company, and the amount of physical training required for that cannot be done with us in tow. I'm trying to make a concerted effort to plan more things like that though, since he likes to be active.
And you do realize that DeFcon (Defense Condition) 5 is "Normal Peacetime Readiness?" We haven't been at 5 for years... DefCon 1 is the highest level: "Maximum Force Readiness." I'm not sure we've ever been at DefCon 1, actually. Not that anyone really knows anyway... its classified info. =)

[chrisgiraffe]

I always forget to carry the one ;-).

As for the workouts with you guys in tow, I'd say strap your child on his back with one of those hiking packs they make for children. The added weight will definitely strengthen his core + legs. Have him run fireman drills alternating carrying you and your son :-). Really sock it to him. Have him see if he can bench you.

Anyway, the idea is to have fun of course and to make sure you guys are included in it. It's not always easy but brainstorming together is one more way to try and stretch a busy schedule creatively. Also, another thing to consider is having him help with some of the activities. Maybe that can be a game too. Get the whole family to have a race and see how quickly you can clean the house. Or bring him in the kitchen for a cookoff competition. Or make it a collaborative effort where everyone gets to chip in. Heck, pretend you're stranded in the Antarctic with Shakelford and every man has to help out. Hehehehehehehe.

Anyway, hope this helps. I know what it's like to try and move a rock that won't seem to budge. The trick is to make the rock think it's moving all on it's own. :-)

[Davidson22]

As for the exercises with you people in tow, I'd say band your kid on his returning with one of those climbing features they create for kids. The included bodyweight will definitely enhance his primary + feet. Have him run fireman exercises changing holding you and your son :-). Really sock it to him. Have him see if he can regular you.