READY??? A ? For The More Experienced...

[victoriak417]

Hi - this is my 1st post - and I'm a little nervous, as I have wanted to pose this question for some time, so please bear with me!

I know this question has been posted before, but I was wondering -- how does one (or rather, one couple) know when they are READY? I have a college degree and a good job - as does my husband - we are not quite yet 30 - AND I HAVE KNOWN FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE THAT ALL I WANT TO BE IS A MOMMY!!! That is my calling in this world - some people are supposed to be doctors, some teachers, me = MOMMY.

Dilemma? My husband ABSOLUTELY wants a family as well, but our finances make him nervous - we don't make a TON of money (though we do just fine), he doesn't like his job much and is looking to transfer to another department and we don't own our home (apartment living and all!) Simply put, he is simply terrified of not being able to provide a 100% perfect foundation for a baby. Positives? Well, we love each other fiercely, have been together for nearly a decade, and I cannot wait to expand our family.

But I want to talk about it a lot and make plans for the near future, and he always says we'll figure it out, we'll talk about it later, and so on, which makes me wonder...am I being pushy? I know I'm still young, but I truly feel like I must have a quicker biological clock, that I feel an almost animalistic need to have a baby SOON.

I don't know if that sounds strange to anyone...I don't really talk about this to anyone other than my husband (who ALREADY thinks I'm a lunatic lol) and my best friend, who is sympathetic but ALSO thinks that I am crazy (apparently, that's the consensus!)

I feel like waiting until we have "enough" money is crazy, because what is enough? I know we both want to give our "hypothetical" child the world, but I can't get a grasp on a tangible. And I don't want to pressure him into a pregnancy RIGHT NOW when he's not yet comfortable...so I wait on and on and get progressively unhappy...And I now that I have actually TYPED these thoughts, I feel like a whiny bray - I just don't know anymore!!!

Any advice from the wise?

[MommaC]

I don't claim to be "wise", but I'll offer my perspective. :) I totally understand where you are, but I can see where your husband is coming from. It's really important that you at least ACT patient with him and try to be understanding becuase it's totally normal for guys to feel enormous financial pressure when babies enter the picture (or are even merely MENTIONED in the picture). Sit down together and evaluate your monthly budget. Track your spending for a month or two if you need to just to make sure. Get an idea from friends how much babies cost each month. Figure it out. If your husband can see how it will work, he may be suddenly more willing to procreate. And if you see how it won't work, maybe you'll suddenly be more willing to wait a bit longer (not likely, but possible). You're not crazy. And no one is really "ready"...sometimes we FEEL ready...but feelings don't always reflect reality. Don't stress one way or the other, and don't push him to make babies if he's not ready--you want this to be a positive experience for everyone from start to finish. Good luck to you!

[Curl]

Great advice MommaC! I would just like to add as a mother of 2 biological kids 9 &13 months and a stepdaughter who is 10 you could never be READY! I had my daughter at 17 my son at 26, my daughter not planned and i was way to young my son everything was planned to a T! Its still the hardest job i am sure i will ever do. But it is also the most SATISFYING JOB! I think it will happen when its meant to try not to stress! Just enjoy alone time with your husband, there will not be much of that when you do have kids!!!

[Amber987]

Okay... I'm kinda in the same position. I'm 21 years old and I feel like I was put on this earth to be a great mother. I come from a huge family. I've always had babies and children around me all my life. And all my life I knew I wanted to have children. My fiancee' makes pretty good money and I don't do so bad myself. But we actually just bought our first house together. And financially we are strapped. The mortgage on the house is sky high. But when I bring up the idea of having a baby my fiancee' is okay with it. Even though we don't have the money we would like to have, things will always work themselves out. He already has a 10 year old son. And the reason I push the issue so much about having a baby is because he is 10 years older than me. And I hear him all the time saying he doesn't want to have a baby when he's too old. Not saying 31 is old. But He thinks he is. And I always wanted to have a child while I was younger anyway. But if wait until your financially set you'll never have a baby. Because like you said when do you know exactly when ou have enough money. What do you consider enough money? You'll be waiting forever. It sounds like you'll would be a great mother regardless if you have a lot of money or not. Best of Luck!!!!

[Mommy2Beans]

I agree with MommaC. Try doing a monthly bodget for a while and see where you stand financially. We did that and thought we would be okay but my daughter has proved to be our most expensive investment ever! There are always things popping up... bigger clothes, new car seat, dr. bills etc. The most important thing for you and your husband is to communicate. Having a child is the most important decision you will ever make as a couple and I think both people need to be on the same page. My husband and I did a lot of talking before we had our daughter. The hardest thing for us has been giving up certain things...shopping trips, weekend getaways, eating out all the time etc. We were both pretty selfish with our time before we had our daughter but once she came all that had to change. It was a chance we both made gratefully but that doesn't mean it wasn't hard! Good luck!

[kfiedler]

I also am on board with everyone eles. Your really never ready, if your waiting to be financialy stable you never will be. Really you just make it work. As long as you both have jobs (maybe some nice benifits) then why not? Keep in mind there are always going to be surprises along the way. As long as there is an open communitaction you'll be. Maybe ask you hubby straight forward. "I haven't gotten a feel from you yet, and you keep avoiding the issue, But I want to know where you stand NOW! How do you feel? At least an idea." My husband and I found out we were prego before we really sat down and talked about it seriously. Same with the second, we don't have a lot of $ either but we are super happy, so what if we don't need cable, and we buy the cheep diapers, whatever works.

[victoriak417]

Wow - i can't thank you all enough for your kind and candid responses. Maybe I am being a little melodramatic. When it's time, it will be time, and yes, that is for BOTH of us. My husband has to feel it too! And though there can never be "too much" money, I do respect my husband's wishes for a solid financial situation for our family. For now, I'll just have to quell the baby-crazy beast within me LOL :)

And by the way - these forums are amazing - I am so happy that I found a place where questions that I haven't even THOUGHT of are discussion, with respect and honesty. These threads ROCK!