Open Vs. Closed Adoption

[kare.bear]

I don't want to start any fights, just am interested in some opinions about closed vs. open adoptions. How did you do it?

My baby brother was adopted from Korea in the early 80's - his adoption was obviously closed as open adoptions were unheard of.

My sister has adopted 3 children in the last 7 years, all as infants, all domestic adoptions, all closed.

The idea of an open adoption scares me to death! To let the birth parent(s), who may have caused many of the child's emotional issues, to have continued involvement in the child's life seems irresponsible...However; I admit that's because this is NOT the way I've experienced adoption in our family.

Has open adoption worked for you? Was it your first choice or was it the path of least resistance to get a child? Would you change anything? etc.

Again, I'm not trying to start a fight over what's better or worse... I just want more information into how this has actually worked in practice - not just in theory.

Thanks!

[flocay]

Hey! I don't know much about adoption but it is definitely something I want to look into when the time is right for me. One very good person to ask is Sidney Gaskins. Have a look at her blog: http://www.enterprisinglife.blogspot.com/ There is a lot of info there.
Hope this helps!

[dcroberts]

One of my friends has two children through closed adoption and one through open (followed by three naturally!). The oldest daughter is 13 years old and is in the hospital as I write. It is an ongoing problem that the doctors have had great difficulty diagnosing. After much searching and a bit of luck, this past summer my friend was able to identify and contact some of this girl's biological relations. Not much was gleaned that was helpful, but you can see the benefit of knowing the potential for genetic problems that could occur throughout the child's life.
As for the open adoption: that child's biological parents don't have any real access to the child. Pictures and letters are occasionally sent. The lines of communication are open- but the adoptive parents are the PARENTS and in complete charge of all decisions regarding her. There isn't any visitation rights held by the biological parents.
I think I would prefer to pretend that child had no other parents but us, but realistically I feel that it would be in their best interest to know their "roots".
Just my opinion.

[APEMBERTON]

I think both options have pros & cons! It can be better for the kid in the long run that you know the biological parents & keep in touch for medical reasons. I think it is nice if you are willing to share photos & updates considering they blessed you with their child. However, I do understand not wanting your child to know about everything, but at the same time I don't see how them knowing they were adopted would change anything either.
So, I guess it just depends.lol.

[rickandcaitlin]

I am a birth mother who now is a mother to 2 kids of my own. I have a semi-open adoption. I know the adoptive parents first name and the state they live in and they know my first naem and the state I am in but that is it. We went through an agency. So if they ever need to find me all they need to do is call the agency and they will contact me. The adoptive parents used to send pics/letters to the agency and then the agency would send them to me. I would have never wanted a completely closed adoption just because if my child ever wants to find me she can. And I would never want an open adoption becuase I could not bare seeing my child with her "new" parents.

[BlackTieDad]

The arrangement we have is a semi-open adoption. Our sons are 4 and 2, and their adoptions were facilitated by a local agency. Both birth mothers asked for the semi-open arrangement, in which we know one another's first names and in what states we live, but not last names or any other personal information. We send letters and pictures on a regular basis, which they can choose to receive through the agency. Both they and we were very comfortable with that arrangement. I want our boys to be able to find their biological families if they want to someday, as long as their birth mothers are comfortable with it. They each have 2 older siblings, and I can imagine that they might be very interested in meeting those relatives at some point.

Our 2 year old was just diagnosed with asthma, and suffers quite a bit with it (hopefully much less with the new medicines). If we need to find out some kind of medical history that his birth mother didn't share with us or the agency, I am relieved knowing that there IS a way to contact her. What if either of my children had some other illness or condition that was hereditary? Having that point of contact is very reassuring for my wife and me.

And I want their birth mothers to know that they are healthy and well cared for, to be able to see them as they grow, and what they look like. Both actually resemble their birth mothers a good deal, and my 2 year old strongly resembles his biological older brother. In a closed adoption, the birth parents don't even know if the child is living, let alone healthy, well-cared-for, developing properly, etc. If I had needed to relinquish a child, I don't think I would be comfortable with that at all.

At least for our families, adopted and biological, this is the best and most comfortable solution. It's definitely worth considering and asking about.

Luke

[Newmom!]

I knew a girl in college who had adopted her child out when she got pregnant in high school. What she liked about the open adoption is that she first got to read letters written by the different potential parents and choose the family she preferred for her son. The first year I think she got several update photos, every year after that she got a birthday photo and short letter letting her know what he is doing now. Other than that she has no other contact, but it is emotionally beneficial for her, not wondering what ever happened to her baby. My understanding is that open adoption law is still extremely protective of the adoptive family.

[enneperjd@hotmail.com]

As a mother of 4 adopted kiddo's and have an open adoption with the fathers, but as for their mother, she is allowed no contact with them at all. The fathers respect our place in the lifes of the children and understand that we are the parents and support us in our decisions. The mother, however, is mentally ill and the emotional conflict that is stirred up in their tender lifes is not worth her being a part of their life, nor does she respect our decisions or us as their parents. At this time we send her pictures of the kids and that is all the communication. We want to keep contact so if there is a time in their lifes that they want to meet their mother or have questions, we can provide answers. It is not an easy decision that is made concerning adoption, bottom line is what is in the best interest of the kiddos, they have a right to security and stability and as their legal parents that is our responsibility to make that decision. And parents who have resended or had their rights revoked have no rights.

[3milyc4ndy]

I'm writing this from the birth mother perspective, so hopefully it gives you a little insight to the "other side of the fence".

I'm sorry that closed adoptions have been all you've known. Open adoptions can be scary, but can also be very successful. I placed my 2nd born daughter for adoption with a loving family that goes to the same church I do because they couldn't have children of their own. I made my decision after my relationship with her father fell through when I was 6 months along. It was the hardest decision I've ever made in my life, but I knew that I could not raise her on my own. I didn't make enough money nor did I have enough time to give her everything she needed & deserved. While I still miss her, and have a special place in my heart for her, I'm glad I made the decision I did. Her adoptive parents are wonderful people who live in a beautiful home & have a large family that surrounds her in love.

I, personally, wanted to know what type of home my child would be raised in. I had them come to some of my doctors appointments and they got to hear the baby's heartbeat which was a unique bonding experience for all of us. They were at the hospital during the birth, but didn't come in until after she was born. We've kept communication strictly to emails, to keep things uncomplicated. And I'm happy with it; I get pictures & updates on how she's growing & the new things she's doing & learning. During holidays & birthdays, we send eachother gifts. It's like an extended family, in my particular situation. It's been very successful, I don't remember there ever being a time where things were akward between myself & the adoptive parents. We set up the boundaries from the get go so there were expectations off the bat, there was no way either party could be let down or feel disappointed. No "stepping on toes".

I hope this helps. I know it isn't from YOUR side per say - but I hope it opens your eyes to the possibilities.

[jocelynmadsen]

I personally think open adoption would be the way to go. I attended an adoption informational presentation once and got the impression that if you go with open adoption the children are typically infants (here in the US), so they are not bonded to any adult yet, which makes things easier for you to get him/her to bond to you. I also got the impression that closed adoptions can be any age child, and are typically (but not always) from other countries. I have a friend who was adopted, and she has all sorts of conflicting feelings as an adult as to whether she should try to find her birth mother or not (would it be disloyal to her adoptive mother or no?). She has lots of questions as to why she was given up (because her mother loved her and thought she deserved better, or because she was just plain unwanted, or something in-between?), and as some others have written here, there can be problems knowing the biological family's medical history if there is no way to make contact. Somebody mentioned a semi-open adoption, and if you want access to information in the future while maintaining controlled contact, that sounds like it would be the way to go. Whatever you choose, good luck to you!

[crystele]

Open adoptions are so varied. Some the birth parents want occassional contact, others they want to be more involved. It is worth exploring. I have cousins who adopted their 3rd child via open adoption. The birth mother has been by a few times since then but is not really involved with any raising.
On the other end of the spectrum I have a good friend who gave up a child in open adoption. She wanted to choose the type of parents to raise her child. Beyond that, she gets a school picture every year and a letter. And she doesn't want any more than that.
Based on those admittedly 3rd-hand experiences, it sounds to me like open adoption is something to explore. Agencies try to match you with a birth mother who wants the type of adoption that you do.

[xyliahall]

I have a neice that was placed for adoption with a family in Canada. My sister picked the family & they agreed to an open adoption. My neice knows that she has 2 mommies and receives pics of her other siblings throughout the year. I now too am in contact with the adoptive mom and send her pics of my kids - or cousins to my neice. I feel strongly that my sister made the best decision in placing this litte girl for adoption. It basically saved her life. However it didn't mean that my sister loved her little girl any less. In an open adoption, you not only get to learn the medical background of the parent(s), but over a slow gradual period of time, the child gets to learn more about who he/she is (why do i have blue eyes? why are my feet so big? who do i most look like, etc). My sister & I have both expressed our gratitude for this other family and will NEVER deny her being the "true" mother to our little girl.

In an open adoption the adopted child gets to gain an understanding of why things happened the way they did in a healthy gradual way. Of course I don't advocate contact with a mentally ill parent (or abusive parent). But really, a young woman that places her child up for adoption today may not be the same person 2, 5, 10yrs from now. And i think her child needs to understand that we are all human and we make the best judgement calls we can. And it's NEVER the child's fault - which only a birth parent can really, truly emphasize. In the long run, i think it's the healthiest way to go for the child.

Now of course an open adoption is extremely hard at first for the birth parent - but REMEMBER: just because you chose to place your child up for adoption doesn't mean you don't love him/her. ANd sometimes being a parent-even if just a birth parent - we have to do hard & uncomforable things. TOO BAD. That's being a parent. Cry in your pillow, seek therapy, but let your child know that you will always be there to answer questions. My 2cents!

[intothemystic]

My best friend gave her baby up for adoption and now has an open adoption with the parents. I couldn't imagine any other way for them. The adoptive parents named the baby after her and visit from time to time. Both my friend's family and the adoptive parents's family are absolutely amazing, so it works. They've created one giant family full of love! My friend doesn't feel weird about it at all because she always felt like the baby was their's while she was carrying him. All in all, I think it should be up to the birthmother...whatever makes her feel comfortable.

[Cathi1992]

I am sorry to be chimming in late on the topic but I wanted to share. We adopted both our children through open adoption. With our first (son, almost 7 years old now!) the adoption started as semi closed. We were in the hall at the hospital when he was born. After placement we talked on the phone and sent pictures a few times during the first nine months. At nine months his birth mom asked if we could get together. I was terrified but we met for lunch and then went to the play area at the mall. The visit went really smoothly. For the next four years we would chat on the phone every few months, send pictures and then get together once or twice a year for lunch. At four my son knew he did not grow in my tummy, but hers, that she was called his birth-mom, that he had a big sister that lived with his birth-mom, and they both adored him. What can be wrong with that.

When he was four we adopted our daughter. Her birth parents invited us to ultra sound appointments and we were present for her birth (they even had me cut the cord!). We saw them and their two children every week or two for the first few months and talked on the phone at least once a week. It was like they were our extended family and we were eager to get to know them as much as they were eager to get to know us. Over time the family visits began to stretch to once every month or two and the phone calls to every few weeks. It was like we needed to get that strong family bonding done and then we all felt better and could relax into an extended family mode.

Because this adoption relationship was going so well we were eager to open up more to our son's birth mom and she was pleased too.

When my son is asked about having siblings sometimes he just says he has a sister but more often than not he proudly says he has four sisters and a brother. He counts his 2 biological sisters, his little sister, and her biological sister and brother. I have learned that these relationships eb and flow over the years depending on what is going on in all of our lives. When times are busy we may not get together but as it is with all family we know (and they know) that they are just a phone call away.

I encourage you to read more about open adoption. Check out Adoptive Family Magazine for more information. Call agencies and see if there is a support group in your area so you can meet other adoptive families. Yes, open adoption can be scary. Yes there is a chance of heart ache. Yes, it takes a strong couple to grow their family in this way but it is worth it. Your child will benefit from knowing their birth family, the birth family will benefit from knowing their child is loved and adored by you, and you will benefit from all that you will learn about sacrifice and love from your child's first parents. Good luck on your journey.
Catherine

[daddy_says]

Our boys are adopted from Ukraine. One of the questions we get is, "Why international adoption?" Part of the reason, besides the children's need for loving parents, is the changing rights of birth parents in the US. I completely respect the difficult decision birth parents have to make regarding adoption. But increasingly, birth parent rights are trumping adoptive parents rights. A birth parent that changes their mind about adoption may regain custody, leaving the adoptive parents devastated. In regards to raising our children, I wouldn't want our boys to have two sets of parents guiding them. It is confusing for them and not fair to us. I believe that's our choice as parents. Our boys will have questions about their birth parents and we completely understand that. We are looking forward to helping them answer any questions they have. But our duty is to the best interest of our children, not the person that was not ready for parenthood. They made the difficult decision that they were not capable of raising a child. I feel they then have to respect that we took on the responsibility of parenthood for a lifetime.

[3milyc4ndy]

Daddy_says,

As a birth mom myself, I agree that the birth parent's decision to not follow through on an adoption can be devastating. I think it's the worst thing you can do to allow another couple to enjoy & bond with their adoptive child only to pull the rug out from under them. On the upside, it has to be done in the first 6 months. So there's not a huge time window for changing minds. And I really haven't heard of this happening a lot. I'm not saying it doesn't cause Heaven knows it does, but for the most part, I've witness people such as myself who are admittedly not ready for parenthood & realize that they are doing the best thing for their child.

People that place their baby/babies for adoption are doing a very selfless thing. The natural mother in us wants to keep our children with us, but the reality is not everyone is fit and or ready to be a parent & the best thing to do is put our own feelings aside & think of our children instead. I commend you for doing an international adoption but I think there are equal risks involved. I've heard of international adoptions falling through as well, and it's much more complicated when that happens because there are different rules from country to country. No matter where it happens, it's truly a sad circumstance.

[Repunzel007]

We adopted and felt the same way you have felt, we were scared to death.
First off we did an open adoption, we told the birth parents we would either send a photo or have a supervised visit 1 time each quarter but it was their responsibility to contact us for that. We secured a post office box in a city away from us and gave them a cell # only. People fade in time, we only heard from the father and he was 6 days late, so we denied his request and told him next time. He said he knew he was not on time and understood, we also told him that we didn't want to confuse our daughter and not until WE were ready would she know exactly who he or her mother was. The mother called a few times.. it has been almost 2 and half years, haven't heard form either in over a year... people fade.. but you have to do what is in your heart, my daughter was taken from birth, their other children had been taken by cps and they were given up for adoption. Looking back, I cringe at what type of life she might have had, but YOU have to listen to your heart and you have to pray about this decision and make sure it is one YOU can live with and remember the greatest gift they re giving YOU is their child, so if a photo everyone in a while might not be such a bad thing...

[hilaurious]

We have an open relationship with our son's birth parents. They are both friends of ours on Facebook, though I do restrict how much they can see (I am not comfortable with them seeing EVERY status update, picture and video I post of Dante). One of his birth grandmas tried to 'friend' me but I declined - I told them that while we are okay with being their friends, we would rather their friends/family hear about Dante through them. We had to draw a line.

I also recently had to ask the birth dad to stop referring to Dante as his son (he would say "how is my/our son doing?" It made us uneasy that he said that (they are very young - I just don't think he realized what he was saying).

We see the birth mom, who lives 45 minutes away, about every other month. That is the arrangement that was determined for the first year that we are with Dante. When the year-mark rolls around in June, we will probably see her less.

I continue to send them both updates about his progress and I know they really appreciate it. It has been a very positive thing for our family, but it has its stressful moments, and moments of insecurity, too.

[ioannis]

There are definitely many arguments from both sides, and they both have their positives and negatives. I've seen many people in my field have issues with both sides.

Family Lawyer in Manassas, VA (http://www.irving-irving.com/virginia-law/fairfax-virginia-family-law-attorneys)

[rockyc]

As an adopted child, I would have welcomed at least a semi-open adoption. Having some idea about the birth parents would have helped me a lot in coming to terms with the idea of adoption, and I wish I had some medical records available. It really depends on your situation, and as an international adoptee it's definitely much harder to have an open adoption.