Expecting mom asks dads,

[bumblebee88]

I am having a little difficulty talking to my boyfriend about steps toward parenting and the logistics about raising a baby, and I was hoping you could help me. I found out I was pregnant about a week ago. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 6 years, 4 of which he has been serving in the marine corps.

He wanted to go to college and study abroad when he got out of the service, like his older brothers before him. He will get out of the service about 4-5 mo. after the baby is born. He is a very introverted person, and while he has always been loving and generous with me, and shared as much of himself with me as possible, he was just raised to keep it all inside. Often times, he makes decisions without knowing he's excluded my input. He doesn't like to be wrong... and he is very, very often right. He tends to be pessimistic, I think this is a defense mechanism against having his hopes and dreams crushed.

Going to college and living in europe seemed to have meant the world to him, perhaps more than I have the innate capacity to sympathize with. I want to tell him that he can still go to college, but it's going to be a hard sell. He seems to feel very duty bound. I can't even tell if a part of him is excited about the baby, but he assures me that he is not leaving me no matter what, because he loves me. I have stopped asking him if he's happy about a baby. The vague, terse answers usually just make me upset.

I am currently in college, finishing a B.S. in engineering. I could potentially graduate before I am due, but it would take a scheduling miracle. Personally, I was hoping to go to graduate school after this, contingent on whether or not I could get in...

I feel like we have a lot of options as to who will work and who will go to school and when that will happen. He doesn't have to move straight into the workforce to support me, I don't think, but he doesn't even seem to be considering the option that he could still attend a 4 yr. university and possibly even study abroad. We have lots of family support available to us, and I haven't finished looking, but I know there are options to help us pay for healthcare and find the resources we will need before and after the baby comes.

My question to you dads is this. Did you go to college while you were fathering? What was it like? Did you feel like you missed out on a lot? If you feel like you sympathize with my man, what would be a good way to talk to him? Do you think I am wrong? Is there a part of this picture I am missing, can you clue me in on some unspoken conclusion that he has reached... or some reason why he is acting that I haven't guessed? I'm confused... we've been talking about babies forever. Why is he so upset? How can I show him that I love him and want to honor his dreams in a way that he will internalize it? Talking doesn't seem to help...

He's the love of my life, and it pains me to see him so miserable in deliberation over this.. and I've watched him deliberate in misery before, but it is super painful to me because having a baby with him is the happiest thing I can think of... whether it makes my life harder or not. I don't know how to approach him, I don't want to upset him anymore. I feel like my sunny disposition only makes it worse. Should I pretend to be grouchy about having his baby?

[kare.bear]

I'm not a dad, but I'm going to jump in anyway and say "give him some time"...My husband is a thinker/planner. When I found out we were pregnant, it wasn't bad news, but it was unexpected news - earlier than we had planned. I broke the news and then let him have his space. I was excited and scared and I talked about the small things like diapers, outfits, etc but didn't really bring up the big picture for almost a month to give us both time to think about how the news would change our plans. Then, as we started to talk about things, we would both throw out "what if's" (like impact to jobs, relocating, etc) but never actually make a decision - we both knew this was our time to discuss possibilities but to not make any huge decisions until we really had time to digest. This was important for both of us. Yes, a baby changes plans and that's ok...In fact, it's exciting, but a baby can also mean some plans need to be put on the back burner or change. We really didn't finalize plans until around month 7 and even then we left doors open for changes if it seemed appropriate.

I doubt your BF is upset with you, he is having to change his immediate plans and that can be hard for some people...That's normal and give him his space. Don't badger him for an immediate answer. Don't pretend to have feelings you don't, just let him stew for a while so he can come to terms with how this affects the both of you...Also, know that some men rarely show excitement. My husband was always phlegmatic while discussing the baby...He was more likely to discuss logistics of painting a room or how to make room in a small car for a babyseat than to actually talk about the baby itself...Now, however, he can't wait to get home to play with his little girl (6 mo). He loves making her giggle and says she makes any bad day disapear.

There is a reason babies take 9 months - it takes that long to come to terms with the idea of having a baby :) Give your BF time to adjust. He will show his excitement in his own way. If he's an introvert, don't expect a lot of discussion...Look for the small ways he'll show he's excited - when he brings home an article on college planning, starts to research car seats, etc. Just be patient!

[tmonfet01]

Ok, my hubby is a military man, and was in fact going to college, and still is going to college after having delivered our dd, who is now going to be 2yrs old. Has he thought about staying in the military and reenlisting while possibly getting it written in his contract that the marine corps covers his college courses? My husband did this and it has made life a bunch easier. As we don't have those extra bills, and I am still able to stay at home while the military supports us.

My hubby as well has problems truely talking to me about things, and just keeping it inside, and "doing what he knows is best." I know there are a ton of things he gave up when we decided to have kids, bc he knew it would make me happy, but after having our daughter, he definitely saw parenthood in a different light. There's so much going on for both of you, sometimes it's just best at the end of the day to ask, what were the main things you thought about today. Talk about trying to finish your schooling with him, and let him know perhaps that you want to get yours over with so he can focus on his. Letting him know that you are willing to be as accomodating as he is trying to be about it, will make it all the more worth while to him. Good luck!

[khurtwilliams]

She posted here asking for a man's input and got instead a woman's point of view of a dad's point of view.