Please God, Please!!! Help Me!

[addys_mum]

If you read one of my posts about my boyfriend and i, i told you guys that I had tried to get pregnant by stopping my bc pills. i decided to fess up to my bf and now he has left me, and I am pregnant right now. i dont know what to do..i cant be by myself..i can't!!! i dont want this baby anymore, i cant be a single mom. all i tried to do was give a chance, and we have lasted years because of it........I HATE HIM! I HATE EVERYTHING!! PLEASE GOD, PLEASE, TAKE MY PAIN.

[jenn_0629]

I did read your posts about tricking your boyfriend. I'm really not surprised by his reactions, pregnancy is a life changing thing, he should have had the choice. You have two children, if being a single mom is what you have to do, then you have to do it. If you really feel that you can't, well..then there are different options for you such as adoption. You cannot use children to make your relationship better, that isn't fair to anyone, especially them. Hang in there, continue to be a good mother, and give him some time to heal. He lost a lot, starting with his trust and confidence in you.

[addys_mum]

OKAY. obviously, you really dont get anything. he has been happy for two years bein a daddy and now he just decided to leave me for something i did almost 3 years ago. he dont even care about me or his kids if he can just leave...its selfish of him to do to us. how am i supposed to afford crap they need? how am i supposed to have a life outside of the kids? how am i supposed to live alone??? ECPLAIN THAT TO ME, PLEASE IF YOU NO EVERYTHING!

[jenn_0629]

OKAY--I will. I understand that you believe that you were doing the "right" thing by tricking a person into conceiving a child with you. But, you weren't. Plain and simple, it was wrong. I'm sure he does care about his children, but he is really upset with their mother right now. As far as him being selfish, I think that he is being perfectly reasonable, and in fact, you are being selfish. You said, "how am i supposed to afford crap they need? how am i supposed to have a life outside of the kids? how am i supposed to live alone??? " Not once did you mention how this was going to affect your children, you are concerned of how it will affect you. I think you need to do some major growing up and learn that you can't play God with other people's lives.

[addys_mum]

NO!! YOU ARE WRONG..some1 plz help me, how do i get him back!!@

[fuzzy]

Well,I have been reading your post and I have to tell you I agree with jenn_0629.You got pregnant on your own devices,you stopped taking the pill and didn't tell him;I can tell you as much as my man loves me I think he'd leave me to..I understand you probably thought that because he's a good dad and loves his children that one more wouldn't be the end of the world,but that's something you should of discussed with him. As for getting him back,I think you should give him time and take ownership of the mistake you made.I'm truly sorry I know if I was in your position these aren't the answers you want but I'm not one to tell people just what they want to hear.I hope you find a solution for you and your family.

[ra11en]

I know you are in a great deal of pain and it is so hard to put your life back together when you lose someone you love so much. But he needs time - time to come to terms with realizing he had his life stolen from him. Literally - you took the choice into your own hands and lied to him for 3 years. That is a long time! He is probably in total shock!! You really can't MAKE someone love you. That's why there is an old saying; If you love someone let them go. If they come back to you, they really were yours. If they don't, then it wasn't really love.

I also agree that you are in for some hard realities in life. Being a single mom to one or two children will be hard, but it can also teach you how to be a responsible, moral adult. I hope that is the case for you.

This isn't about getting your BF back, you do know that don't you? You have much bigger fish to fry right now, and the much more important item of concern for you is being the mother your child needs you to be. You made this choice. You made this choice for you BF because you think you are all knowing. Now you have to live with that choice. That choice has now left you as a single, pregnant mother.

I cannot blame him for leaving you, I'm sorry because I know that isn't what you want to hear. What you did is soooo wrong on so many levels. You don't seem to have any remorse for the choice you took away from him, and the life you stole from him. How can he ever trust you again?? You should let him be, and don't interfere with his relationship with his child(ren) no matter what.

You CAN be a single mother, if you stop focusing so much of your attention on your own selfish desires and games and start focusing on those babies - both of them.

[addys_mum]

i think i am going to give custody to my mom, for both of my kids.....i dont think u guys undertsnad that i am only 18..so 2 kids is impossible and every1 is bein mean to me sayin that i brougth it on myself..no one gets it, how do i go about doin this adoption deal?

[jenn_0629]

I am 17 and I feel completely capable of caring for my child. I really do not believe two children will be impossible for you, and still have time to adjust until your child is born. I really wasn't trying to be "mean" to you if that is how you took it, I am tryin to get you to understand that what you do was wrong and you cannot expect your boyfriend to be forgiving. I wouldn't be if I were in his position. You still have a while until your next child is born, your boyfriend may or may not change his mind. If you really feel that you can't raise these children, perhaps giving up custody would be best, but I suggest you talk to your mother about it and make sure that she is okay with the idea.
~Best of luck.

[KDorr]

Im 21 and Im expecting my 2nd child. I do not have custody of the first because I thought i caouldnt handle it. i was wrong now i am in a fight with my own mothering trying to get back my soon to be two year old daughter. my fiance is supportive of me and wants to be there for my daughter though he is not her father. If you decide to give up your kids think it through and I mean it. weigh all your options first b/c you may regret it. There are places out there that will help you out if you need it. and I will do what I can from here. Just make sure you know what you want. it may seem hard as things always do but all will work out in the end. If you wish to talk more contact me, i will help anyway I can.

[gostomskiart]

addys-mum, take a deep breath girl! I know you are young but you need to step back and take (and give) some time to make the right decisions for the future. Yes you dropped a bomb on the father, it is now going to take time for him to come to terms with what is going on. You need to allow him that time. In the meantime you need to try and calm down (easier said than done) but try. Your situation is very raw at the moment so everyone involved is going to need time to think, even you. I can't tell you what is best for you to do in the end but I advise giving this boy some time to process all of this then when he is ready to discuss it try again. Take it one step at a time and you will find you are stronger than you think. Hang in there.

[JWills]

[QUOTE=addys_mum;6510] ...and every1 is bein mean to me sayin that i brougth it on myself..no one gets it...QUOTE]


No one is being mean. And guess, what? You did bring it on yourself. YOU chose to stop taking the pill without telling your boyfriend. YOU decided you wanted to get pregnant and not bother to tell him. Now YOU have to grow up and deal with whatever may come. It infuriates me that you are being so selfish about this. I have followed your other post, which stunned me, but this one pissed me off...


It will not be easy, but you made a mistake and you need to do your best to fix it. Let your boyfriend come to terms with what happened. It will take time, and I know its not what you want to hear, but he may not come back at all. I dont know if I could take someone back if someone pulled a stunt like that on me. You robbed both of your lives without his consent. It takes two people to make a baby and two to agree on having one. Besides, what if you had your children, and he left for another reason? Just because you got the kid, doesnt mean you'll always get the man.


Once everything is smoothed over with your boyfriend (or as smooth as it will get) then MAYBE you can talk about trying out a relationship again. Who knows, he may realize that he still loves you and still wants to be the amazing father he has always been. Until that day comes, do whats right for you and your children. It will be tough, but there are many options. I am glad you considered adoption. I have always admired someone who could be that stong to give up a child to a couple who can provide and love a baby that they could not make.


If you decide adoption isnt what you want, then there is a way that you can raise your children. ACCESS can take care of all your prenantal care (and hospital bills). WIC can supply you with basic food items. In my area, if you are a single mom, daycare is SO much cheaper. That would enable you to work. Do you currently have a job? What is your living situation (parents, by yourself)? If you live with your parents, then would they be willing to help you at all?


I am hoping that everything works out for you, really I am. Its going to be hard work but I bet that you can figure out a way to do it. Just do whats right for you and your children. That is what you need to concentrate on. Dont worry about your boyfriend at this point in time. With time, he may come around.


Oh and Im sorry if I came off as rude. I didnt mean to be, it just had my engine revving up a little when I read what you posted back to everyone. It was very immature.

[addys_mum]

i dont want to be selfish about this but i need my bf to love me, that is what started this whole thi8ng. i kept my secret for years, and decided that it wodlnt matter now. im not considering adoption for any1 other then my parents. i live(d) with my bf, but now he has left and i cant stay here. he is the one that did the cleanin and cookin and parentin and everything because im basicly a kid like my kids. he loves me but he know im not the best with conforming to rules. now he hates me and i dont want these kids to be riminders of what we had and what i worked so hard for.

[JWills]

It sounds like he is a wonderful father :) But now its time for you to step up to the plate and become a wonderful mother, even if it means having someone adopt your kid(s). Will you be moving in with your parents? Or a close friend?


Out of curiosity, where do your boyfriend's parents' stand in all of this? Are they willing to talk with you? If so, perhaps talking with them will help.


Is your boyfirend able to provide care for his children? Even though he may not have wanted kids in the first place, it sounds like he has grown to love them. Would he be willing to take custody? He might throw it in your face that its your problem now, since you didnt discuss having kids with him in the first place. But who knows? Maybe he can find it in him to care for his kiddos. I dont think its a good idea to bring this up to him at this point, though. Something tells me he would piece it together like this "WOAH! Wait a minute! You didnt bother to ask me if I wanted kids in the first place, and now youre trying to just drop them off on me?! I dont think so. You got yourself into this on your own."


Please keep us updated on whatever you decide to do. I am anxious to hear how this whole thing turns out. I will be praying for you and your kids! If you need anyone to talk to dont hesitate to contact me

[ra11en]

Why do you need your BF to love you so badly? Don't you realize that the only people you really NEED is yourself and your babies? You've made a huge mistake, but I commend you in finally telling the truth. I know the outcome isn't what you wanted, but that is how life works sometimes. Now, you have a baby and one on the way - you HAVE to stop, think, and grow up. Why are you having another baby at such a young age? Was it an unplanned pregnancy? I don't mean to pry, but you have so much on your plate. You really do need to just stop, take a deep breath, and THINK. You're reacting right now, and that is usually when we make our biggest mistakes.

Your BF would have left you at some point regardless of you telling him the truth. If you are feeling as though trapping him into pregnancy and lying to him for years is necessary to keep him, then it wouldn't have worked out regardless. You have to accept that he is either gone for a little while or gone for good, but he is gone.

He may have done everything but that doesn't mean you can't step in and do it now. You have it in you, I have no doubt. From your posts, I can tell you are intelligent and strong willed. Use that for yourelf instead of against yourself. Give your BF plenty of space, and take some for yourself as well. Do you really like the person you've become just to keep a man? All the lying and scheming and stealing? Those kids won't be reminders of what you had and lost, if you work hard enough. If you are their mother like you should be, they will be reminders of how strong and able you are, they will reward and enrich your life in so many ways.

If you do give your children up, even to your parents, be sure it is what you want. Like another reply on here, it is very difficult to change your mind. My sis gave her youngest one to my mom to raise and then decided she was wrong when he was 9 months old. It destroyed my mom and sisters relationship, and caused quite a bit of damage on my nephew from all the shuffling around, he didn't get to bond with either of them for very long. Very sad. You have to be sure, you won't be able to wake up in a year and decide to change it without a fight. And your mom will have grown very attached to your children.

You need to take some time to yourself, with no BF or other pressure. Get to know your own feelings and thoughts, and think through what is really best for your children.

[charliesmommy]

i dont want to be selfish about this but i need my bf to love me, that is what started this whole thi8ng. i kept my secret for years, and decided that it wodlnt matter now. im not considering adoption for any1 other then my parents. i live(d) with my bf, but now he has left and i cant stay here. he is the one that did the cleanin and cookin and parentin and everything because im basicly a kid like my kids. he loves me but he know im not the best with conforming to rules. now he hates me and i dont want these kids to be riminders of what we had and what i worked so hard for.

You say you need him to love you. Why don't you think about the fact that your daughter and your unborn baby need you to love them? Stop worrying about yourself and start worrying about your kids. They need you now more than ever.

You feel that you forced your ex to grow up by getting pregnant. Well, looks like he has turned the tables and it's time for you to grow up. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start taking care of your children.

[lou]

I must say I agree with everyone on this thread. Have you ever heard the saying "be careful what you ask for you just may get it"? You were the one that wanted to play grown-ups and start a family at such a young age. It wasn't an accident. so now you have to deal with it and grow up. There are now children involved that you must care for. I think your decision to start a family without being able to properly care for them to begin with was very selfish and naive, not to mention the fact that you tricked your boyfriend into it ( by the way, good for him stepping up to the plate like that). I'm now pregnant with my first at nearly 25 and if my fiancé chose to leave guess what we'd be just fine on our own as I'm sure every other woman on this sight would be. Something you may not have realized at such a young age is that people come and go, they will leave you whether voluntarily or not and it's up to you to take care of yourself and now your children.
I must say I have absolutely no sympathy for you. You knew this was something he'd be upset about or you wouldn't have lied for so long. You need to stop trying to conjure up ways to get him back and start conjuring up ways to take care of your family. There are lots of options out there for you that have already been listed on this thread. Though I'm very happy that these option exist for children who don't have parents capable of providing all that's necessary for them and just need a little help, it angers me to no end that these programs get used and taken advantage of by people like you that think having kids is all fun and games and then realize the amount of work and selflessness involved and throw their hands up in defeat.
Have you heard the phrase "what goes around comes around"? You tricked him into having kids; he stepped up to the plate and took care of your kids and you while you continued life as a child (even though it was you trying to play adult). It's no surprise he left you, get over it. It's your turn to step up to the plate now and honestly I think you got what you deserved. He was selfless enough to apparently care for his ill conceived children and you on his own, now it's your turn to care for your children on your own, which was bound to happen any way, and learn what self-sacrifice and responsibility is all about. Later on you can learn what love really is because I don’t think you have the slightest inclination of what it is or entails or how to do it. Otherwise you wouldn’t be in this situation to begin with.

[addys_mum]

I think you need to take your head out of your ass. That's what I think...I have not been playing grown-up..I've been doing it..I just enrolled my kid in daycare and I'm working at Wal-Mart now. You talking about people "using" these programs with BS...those are for people that need help, would you like it if they didn't offer them and children had to start to death because formula is freakin' outrageous these days? Don't talk about love lady..I know what it is, I have it for him and both of my children, I just needed a little push to get me there..I got my push.. And here I am taking care of my child and the unborn one. You aren't even married yet, what does that make you? How old were you when you lost your virginity, huh? What if you had gotten pregnant, then what. Don't criticise me you unconsiderate pig..I have been a mother longer than you, I know what i am talking about.

[jenn_0629]

I will say that I think that it is time that this conversation ends..It's getting way to heated for a message board that is meant to be about parenting, not argueing and mistreating others...
--Addys_mum: I am glad that you have been taking steps to benefit your children, that is what a good mother does, she is selfless and does whatever she can for her children. Congrats on that. By reading your last post, it sounds as if you were just in a state of shock and reacting on impulses before, and now you have realized what you need to do. Daycare is a good start and the job..is wonderful. Actually my husband works full-time at Walmart in our community. And the 10% discount is nice :)
~~Keep working hard, everything will become easier with time.

[JWills]

Jenn_0629 is right, enough is enough. Addys_mum, I think its great that you are working now, and that your child is now enrolled in daycare. Kudos to you for stepping up to the plate :) Its not going to be easy, but I bet my last dollar that you can get through this. Judging by the posts I have read, you seem strong-willed and determined. You just needed a little push to go through with this and by the sounds of it, you are. Best of luck, and keep us updated on your pregnancy :)


Ps- how far along are you?

[kfiedler]

As far as your other threads, no one really said that he would understand. Everyone pointed out that he would propbably be very upset. No matter who your are everyone knows that doing that is something you just don't do, So you do not have my pitty in making that desicion, nothing can change the fact that you have one child and one on the way. I am glad that you came clean, even though the effects have turned your world upside down. You really seem to be stepping up though so good job. I am sorry to say that I don't' really feel bad about your decision to go off the pill, however I think it was the thought carried out by a very young women. I can only look at at as though someone you love has left, which someone had stated ealier that people come and go, but your kids are always your kids. And people are left everyday for not even doing anything. You want to live by example and you seem to be on the right track, show your kids that even though you are a single parent you can do it! Good Luck

[lou]

Addys_mom-
Whoa, I think first of all you need to take a step back. You started this thread asking for help/opinions. I simply gave you mine, I didn't personally bash you or didn't intend for it to come across that way, and I certainly didn't resort to the ever so mature derisions. As for you starting your kid in daycare and working at Wal-Mart, great start, bravo. However, you must realize that in your previous posts you made it sound as though this guy who you tricked, completely took care of you and yours while you continued life as a child. As for your comment about the programs such as WIC, if you had read my post you would have found that I’m very happy they exist to help people that need a little extra help, I just don't like that they get taken advantage of by people who are doing nothing to help themselves which is the way you came across in your posts. As for me not being married yet, neither are you sweetheart so let’s not go down that road. At least I'm engaged and if you must know the reason we're not yet married I'll be more than happy to answer that question when asked in an appropriate and respectful manner. In our eyes we’re already married and don’t need a piece of paper to tell us otherwise. Conversely, from the content of your threads I don't think you're going to be nominated as a chair member for the ethics committee any time soon, so I'm under absolutely no obligation to answer to you. As for my age when losing my virginity, that is not the point at hand. Getting pregnant at such a young age accidentally while using birth control in an attempt to be responsible and prevent it is one thing, planning a pregnancy at such a young age when you're not fully capable of adequately caring for the child and tricking your partner into it is another, there's no comparison there. As for the love part of this equation, is it really love or just an infatuation with the guy? I find it hard to believe that you really loved this man as much as you say but then completely disrespected and disregarded his opinions as far as having children so young and tricked him into leading a completely different life than he may have had planned for himself and you. As for your children, I’m happy you found your motivation and are taking care of them. I never once indicated that you didn’t care for your children. Just the fact that you mentioned adopting them out shows your at least thinking of their well being even though you put a huge burden on them to begin with thinking they would help your relationship with their father.
As for me being inconsiderate: what, of your feelings? You're darn right I am, just as I wouldn't spare anyone else's feelings in a circumstance such as this whether they be my best friend, sister, or whoever. Now as far as you personally bashing me because I'm not telling you what you want to hear when you asked for help/opinions, is that the sort of lesson you'd want your children to pick up, personally bash anyone with a dissenting opinion? Furthermore, as far as lessons go, what about the example you've set for your children by tricking their father into having them? I'm just curious as you claim to know what you're talking about. By the way just because you've been a mother longer than I doesn't make you a better one by far. just look at Michelle Riley, she's been a mother way longer than you or I combined, does that make her better than you, does this mean she knows what she's talking about? For future reference, if you're not prepared for a dissenting opinion or you're not prepared to not hear what you want, don't post a thread on a public sight asking for it.

[charlygould93]

i have a friend that is 21 and prego with her 4th child. when she was prego with her 3rd child her bf left her. it was hard but she made it. if you believe in yourself and you want to take care of your kids then you can.

[AOO23]

I am sorry for what you're going thru, I'm sorry because it must be hard to be so young and have this huge responsability, but I have to agree with everyone that has replied to your post. You come of as a immnature person that didn't realize what she was getting herself into. But for you to say "he is the one that did the cleanin and cookin and parentin and everything because im basicly a kid like my kids".
See even tho you have a child and you have been a mother longer that some people have including myself, you don't quiet understand how your priorities change the moment you became pregnant, you have to be selfless. you have an innocent life that depends on you for everything. But you are making this about yourself, how you need your own life, how you love you're boyfriend and want him back, how you can't do it without him. I'm sorry but life isn't that simple and there are millions of women all aroud the world who have to be single mothers and succeed.
Your boyfriend sounds like a good father, and he probably needs time to get his head straight and you have to respect that. I just hope that if he decides that he doesn't want to be with you any longer you still let him be a part of his children's live because it would be fair to your kids if you decided that if he isn't with you then he wont see his kids.

[tanyakrenzel]

I know you are pregnant now, but when you stopped taking your bc pills , was that this pregnancy, or the 1st pregnancy 3 years ago?
either way... what's done is done. you can't change the past. I had a child @ 17(and yess 2 would b harder, ) and things turned out o.k. even with out his father--he said he didn't love me any more and started smoking crack-realy. now I am on my 3rd prenancy and have 4 weeks left and my husband tells me on mothers day that he wants to leave me, only he said "get rid of us" anyways, things happen in life that are devistating. sounds like you have begun to pull your self together, good for you. Don't worry about him, you can't waste that energy. you need to only think about you and your kids. and remeber what happened to him was devistating too! and to the others who are responding... Give her a break, I think she has had enough, and she knows that no one feels sory for her. she is young, we have all made some decisions in our youth wich we regret. she just needs to focas on the now.

[mary84]

ok here we go, addys_mum had the nerve to bash a girl on her thread calling her sick and selfish. THe girl was asking for help with a major decision on abortion. Addy i read this whole thread and like i said YOU HAVE SOME NERVE. let me tell you a little something honey, selfish is thinking of YOU YOU YOU. you were selfish when you got yourself pregnant. and yes you did it by yourself. because he had no idea, so it only took one to tango. and to give your kids to your mom because he left you? are you serious. Let me tell you something you inconsiderate pig since that seems to be what you like to call people, you need to take your head outta your ass and grow up. don't give me any bs about i work at the walmart so i am an adult. no, you are a child. I am 24 years old, i am on the PTA and i am an army wife, you don't know what it is to be a grown up. A grown up person doesn't trick their man into becoming a parent, a grown up woman doesnt sit there and cry saying i'm going to give my kids away because i dont want to be alone. Yes i will admit i had an abortion, but that was mine and my husbands decision when he was on his way to iraq for 2 years. you judged me on the last post and i didn't really lay into you but i am now. you are a child you are 18 years old. and you have 2 kids and your saying oh woe to me, i can't go out and party anymore. let me tell you something. i had my son when i was fresh out of high school and you know what, never once did i say what about me, never you know why, because i was a mother and took my responsibility with pride and utter joy. never once did i say i want to give my kids away, why because i am a grown up and i am responsible. And never once did i trick my husband into getting pregnant you want to know why, because that is sick and selfish and low and rude and CHILDISH. and saying you want to give your kids away, maybe you dont deserve them at all, maybe their father should have them. you wanna bash people honey, it don't feel to good does it.