Spanking, who does it really hurt?

[DisplacedforLove]

As a first time mom I've had to wing some things, read up on others, and by God's grace been given the wisdom on what to do in many situations. However, I currently find myself in a bind.

I have an almost 16 month old daughter who is a great baby. She is so active, alert, sweet, social and fun. However, sometimes she does what she wants or goes against the grain of what we know is proper behaviour. When this occurs I've usually used the "here's what's wrong about what you're doing and why and here's what you should be doing" approach. Most of the time it works great. She even wags her finger "no" at things she shouldn't touch or do. Which gives me the warm and fuzzy that she is catching on to boundaries.

However, sometimes she does what she wants and although I feel like I can remain calm I've lately been losing my patience with her rather quickly. After telling her something 3-5 times, it's too much I think. So I tried time out. I'm not sure if she fully gets it cause she sometimes giggles when I pick her up.

Here is my dilemma. We started attending a church which I really like. But they are all about spanking and "spare the rod spoil the child." My husband and I often look at each other like "whoa!" because it seems to be worked into almost every other conversation or sermon. Before our daughter was born we made a pact never to spank our daughter but to remain calm and discipline with love and correct her behaviour. Understand me, I do not want a misbehaved child, however I do not want to beat my child either, especially out of frustration or following the discipline style of someone else due to pressure.

I have felt pressure from other mom's to be more harsh on my child. I am not wishy washy, but I love my child and want her to respect me not fear me. One night she was acting up in the tub, she stands up, which I've explained will cause her to slip and fall and get hurt. She gets it, but I can tell she sometimes does it to get a rise out of me. Well after sitting her down 5 times the other night and telling her that bath time was over she kept standing. So I turned her around and smacked her on her bum.

She looked so stunned. It broke my heart. I wrapped her up in the towel, kissed her and said, not standing or you can get hurt and gave her a hug and made her giggle. A week later she was grabbing at the dog's food and putting it in her mouth. After repeating 3 times not to do it and putting her in time out twice I caught her again and smacked her hand. Again she looked so stunned and sobbed. My heart broke. Not because I'm a wimp, but because she looked betrayed. Now I notice if I tell her not to do something more than three times and I raise my voice on the last time and come near her she flinches and shuts her eyes. This truly bothers me because I feel she is afraid of me now.

I never thought I'd be the type of parent to feel pressure from other parents, and I never dreamed of spanking or hitting my child. I don't think it works. And I think that I did it more out of frustration and trying "their" way than out of discipline. What does spanking teach really?

If you can offer any words I would appreciate it. Otherwise, just thank you for reading this. It's the only area I have felt completely lost in and I really don't know who to talk to about this.

[byronsmom]

i agree with you i don't spank our son. and he is a whirlwind of engery, i just use redierection and 3 times and in timeout you go rule. pick up the happiest toddler on the block, that book is my holy grale i actually can stop mmy sons temper tanturms before they hit the bye bye zone .

oh and i've heard the oh you don't spank just wait you will soon. sorry haven't seen the need to or thought it would help. and my son will also try to do about a million thing to see how far he can push, thats normal, they test. good luck.

[NinjACupcake13]

Realistically occasionally a small pat on the butt or back of the hand is needed. I swore I would never spank my daughter either since I grew up in an abusive home. But there are times when telling her multiple times, raising my voice, time out, and nothing else works and I cave and give her a pat. There is a difference between a pat and a spank. It seems like what you're doing is a pat. My daughter cried and was shocked the first time I did it to her to. But it wasn't because she got a smack it was because she was shocked I disciplined her. I always took the route of explaining things to her and making sure she understood before I put her on time out. And as soon as time out ended I would give her a hug and kiss and make sure she knew and understood why she was punished. But there are times when she is doing something potentially dangerous to herself that I have to intervene with a pat on the back side. Never ever do it out of anger though. That is what will scare your child.

[big-mouth-burgher]

I have been know to give a light swat on the bottom or on the back of the hand. My boys are in elementary school now and are in no way traumatized because of this.

Time outs worked for awhile, but eventually I spend most of my time resending someone to time out.

[EmmaClaire]

Your instincts are right. The swats come from your frustration and do nothing to help the situation but make her afraid of you. Know that at 16 months, she will be testing her limits, and she has not developed impulse control.

Standing up in the tub after being told not to ends tub time. Period. No need to let it get you angry...she'll learn eventually.

Letting her get you angry-besides making her afraid of you-also may spark her interest and she may seek out that negative attention. Which is not the end result you're looking for.

Hitting is not the answer.

[big-mouth-burgher]

I can't wait until your child decides to run out in front of a car or climb up the china cabinet, or stick something in an outlet she just pried the protective cover off of. It has little to do with anger and more to do with getting their attention in a very dangerous situation.

"Oh, sweetie stop, please that car may hit you, we need to go back home and sit in time out, since you ran into the street with out looking first." or a little swat on the bum and a "WE DON'T RUN INTO THE STREET! Now let's go to the library."

You decide, but I'm going to the library. Are you? or are you stuck going back home because your child misbehaved yet again in public?

[MishMosh'sMom]

D4Love, the fact is that it isn't a have to - plenty of kids have been raised without physical discipline and have turned out fine. did their parents have to work a bit harder? sure, but it just proves that physical is not the only way to go. a child who is used to a loving hand is confused when that hand becomes violent. if i did to you or anyone adult what we think is ok to do to kids i'd be behind bars. i say it again - if it were the only way - what can you do. but it's not - otherwise you wouldn't even question yourself...parenting is much harder when you don't hit your kids. and plenty of kids who were hit grew up and had problems anyway - hitting does not guarantee or solve anything but a bit of stress relief for the parent. nuff said.

[racerfamily4@yahoo.com]

I was spanked and I turned out just fine...however, I dont spank my kids because it hurts me more then them ( i have tried and my kids look at me like, that didnt hurt) and my hand hurt :). I think at 16 months your tone of voice should set the tone...I think if your tone is firm she will understand better. Believe me, it does NOT get any easier from here and I have a 3 and 5 year old. It gets harder as they get older and biger and stronger and challenging. However as she gets older and challenging (at about 2.5) I would check out disciplinemommy.com. They have some great tools that I use. its a very positive form of discipline and it works very well for my kids. Not to mention keeps me consistant. My kids react very well to it, which is why i say its positive. good luck to you and dont let other parents pressure you into something your not comfy with. Thats not fair. Your doing the best you can with what you know and have.

[mort20]

Spanking my son is my last resort. Even though I have my reasons to do that, I would still feel bad because of my “disciplinary” action.

[bluepywakit@yahoo.com]

I do not think spanking is the key. Sure there have been times my two year old son has driven my blood pressure through the roof and I have given him a pat on the bottom. But he didn't seem to care, and I felt horrible. I have learned what "BIG" rules we need in our house. I'm sure these will change as he gets older and he develops new behaviors, but I make sure that these rules he understands and that I consistently reinforce. Some take longer for them to learn, but if you always stick to them, your child will realize that her actions will always have the same consequence. We use my sons old highchair as timeout. Just buckle in, set timer, and walk away. There is no where for them to go, they will realize quickly this is not a game. My son is not allowed to hit, anyone, he does not get a warning, he goes directly to time out. He rarely hits when we have playdates. He is told once that standing is not allowed in the tub, next time, bath is over. But you have to follow through. You also need to know when to use these tactics and when not, saftey rules need enforced, other time redirection is better. I wish you luck in finding what works best for you and your little one. Also why are you going to a church that pushes spanking, most churches I know do not focus so much on that issue. Raise your child the way you see fit.

[lovin]

spanking hurts. I should know i got hit hard my butt would be red. my butt was beaten till i couldn't hit. But spanking who does it really hurt depends it mostly hurts the child more then he parents but then parents it hurts them cause they caused their kids so much pain.

[big-mouth-burgher]

Lovin do you realize how immature and uneducated you sound. I know that you say you've grown up and changed, but to me you sound like the same old little teenage girl that you are. Now come back and chat with us when you are grown up and TTC, pregnant, or really have a baby. (which you don't have a baby)

These women are looking for advice form parents, not children who have nothing else to do than troll around a parenting site and post immature, uneducated crap!

[jrvitalis]

I don't think the question is really whether spanking hurts or doesn't hurt (that would, after all, depend on how hard you spanked). The real question is what type of message do you want to send to your child? Do you really want to teach her that the best way to handle her frustrations is through physical means? Based on your posting, I'm guessing this is NOT the signal you want to send to your child. When you are getting frustrated, try to remember that your child is doing what she is supposed to be doing - testing the world around her, and testing you, to find out where the limits are. This realization will (hopefully) enable you to react in a calm manner when your daughter puts your patience to the test. Check out my profile for a link to more practical parenting tips.

[mommy42boys]

I think that there is a difference in "hitting" and "spanking". I do not nor will I ever hit my children. I will, however, spank my children. I try redirection and time-outs for most infractions. But if Ian is bullying his cousin or his brother he gets a spanking. If he bites or hits, he gets spanked. If he won't listen in the tub, bathtime is over. If he's fighting over a toy, the toy gets taken away. I compare spanking to burning your hand on a hot stove. It only takes one time to learn not to do it again.

[theweeds_05]

Be glad that you have found a church you love that is bible believing :) But 2 things...realize that since spanking is on your mind and an issue on your heart...you are probably looking for it in conversations with out realizing it and know that you should NEVER feel pressured to parent your child a certain way....if it becomes an issue at your church, YOU take it up with the Lord and leave other people's opinions and judgments to themselves.
Every child is different..some respond with explanations or timeouts or firm words and some with spanking. Your child sounds a lot like mine...especially the "no-no's" to off limit things :) But there are times where the only way for him to understand the seriousness of a situation is through a firm spank. My husband and I talked about it and decided we are perfectly okay with a spanking being followed immediately with hugs and kisses and I love you's in the explanation of why we spanked...and some might think we are teaching him to be manipulative or other things but we are always on the same page of what deserves a spanking and back each other up with "Yes, Daddy spanked you because doing x is a no-no but Mommy and Daddy love you and don't want you to get hurt." He generally smiles and is on his way....there are times though that he knows he is going to get spanked and he runs away or starts to cry which is hard but you have to decide for them what is the better good....a clear understanding of boundaries and love or knowing they can always push the limits with out any repercussions.
My last little piece of advice would be to never spank out of frustration. If you and your husband agree that certain actions will get spankings, then decide before hand how many warnings need to be said before a spanking is necessary and that way you are less likely to reach your boiling point and spank out of frustration. And definitely follow thru...whether it's taking away a toy or lovey, ending bath time or a play date early, or spanking...follow thru as much as possible.
I will be praying that the Lord gives you clear direction and guidance and creative solutions and disciplines that are unique to your child. God Bless!

[jocelynmadsen]

My sister spanked her kids and she will be the first to tell you that once you start doing it you have to keep doing it, because after that nothing else works. You can read that two ways, either "spanking works" or "time-outs worked before, but they don't now". My husband and I don't spank because we both came from homes where spanking was rediculously abused and we are afraid that we won't know where to draw the line, besides all the other issues. Time-outs work just great for us. We have our kids put their nose on a nearby convenient wall and they hate it and emerge quite compliant, especially when it's in public. Don't feel bad about your desire not to spank, it's pretty common!

[trishahejduk]

I noticed when I first started spanking Tyler around 15-18 months. That it did not work. He thought it was okay to hit people when they did something he didn't like.

Time outs did not work for him either. Redirection at that age is about all I could do.
Now that he is 2 years old, he understands a bit better & spanking is more effective.
I don't like to spank him, but sometimes it is the only way he will really learn he did something bad or unsafe.
All I can say is count to 10 first before spanking & then you will know if they really deserve one or not. Sometimes I catch myself more aggravated than Tyler really needing to be spanked.

[LilyMommy1020]

I logically completely understand that hitting my daughter who is hitting me doesn't teach her anything and she will only respond with more hitting, or it teaches her that her mommy wants to hurt her.

However...my daughter hits when she doesn't get her way especially when she is tired. Most of the time I calmly tell her no, or try to put her in timeout. If we are at home it's straight to time-out, if we are in public I usually tell her no. But when she is in timeout she is constantly trying to run away or hit me or cry/yell and it doesn't feel like the message is getting through.

A couple of weeks ago after putting my daughter in timeout several times in row with no improvement I hit her back (mild-medium) and she cried and I explained the situation and she understood, but it has broken me. I hate that I hit her and I know it doesn't solve anything but I don't know what else to do. Timeout hasn't working, discussing hasn't worked, ignoring it doesn't work, neither does redirection.

I have reverted to calmly saying we don't hit when she does it...and it usually means she stops hitting me...but she does hit me once or twice a day and I am getting highly frustrated. I don't know what I should do.

[sar2]

For 2 and under often redirection is needed. When they are between 2 and 3 time-outs really work, but sometimes as they get older they aren't as effective. That happened to me. My son turned 3 and that was it. He was a wild man.
My pedi suggested reading the book 1-2-3 Magic. It works. This is a form of time-out but for 2 yr olds and older, up to teens. I have to say after just 2 weeks I see a much calmer kid and he's starting to get that after 2 he will sit in time-out or something will be taken away. For hitting or other serious offenses an immediate time-out in order or a toy or privilege is taken away. I use one of those timers with sand in them so then he can see the time going by which helps him understand that it's only for a window of time. Both you and your husband and anyone who takes care of your child should be taught whatever type of discipline you use because you have to be consistent in order to be effective.
Most important thing to remember is that it's your child's "job" to test you, that's how they learn, and your job is to stay calm and in control of the situation. If your child knows your losing control they will only pick up on it and that's when you'll have a real problem.
It's only a sliver of time, take it easy and they will follow suit.