View Full Version : in laws and BF
11-02-2009, 06:22 AM
Have one more question.. As a first time BF I'm having some problems with my In-laws and BF.. They are rather freaked out by it. When at there house and I have to BF I pretty much get exiled to the back room.. I've gotten to where I hate being around them because it's hard to feed my baby.. And so I've found that if you BF your gonna have to BF in public or stay home or go to town quick! A few weeks ago we went to a flea market out of town. We get there and I tell them I need to feed the baby.. And the first question out of my SIL mouth is "in the car right" I got rather upset, stayed at the car and fed her then decided to BF her in public. Got her latched on and covered up fully with a blanket and off I went! They all stayed a good 10 ft away! lol My DH says it's because they have never been around anyone BF so thats why there freaked out and treat me like have H1N1.. But it makes it sooo hard to be around them or have them at the house... What do you do with people like this w/o hurting there feelings???
11-02-2009, 03:50 PM
Hugs Mama, it's hard when you do something that other family members don't really understand or aren't very supportive of. Don't argue or defend yourself to them, you're doing what you feel is right for your lo! Kudos to you for NIP'ing!! It takes courage to do when you definitely know that you will be encountering hostility. Here's the way I work it, because I'm fairly passive in person:
When at my IL's, I go to another room b/c it's their home, and it's not worth the argument to me. I use the time to regroup before I re-emerse myself into IL maddness, LOL. In my home, however, I go to where I am most comfortable and I nurse my lo. If I'm out in public, I just nurse- no need for declaration. Most of the time they never even knew I was doing it. Once while at a BBQ festival I was nursing ds in a maya wrap and my FIL (who is the one who's super weird about bfing) was so impressed that he told several people that I bf-ed right in front of him and he couldn't even tell!!!
here is a link for Maya Wrap
Ds will not abide a cover, so I also wear clothing that is easy to nurse in. I wear Old Navy tanks underneath all my clothes (to cover my belly ;) ) so that all I usually have to do is pull up the top shirt (which covers the top of my breast) and ds goes to town with everything pretty much covered up. Anyone who is close enough to see/say anything, is too close.
DS is now over 12 months old and we tend not to NIP much because he is an acrobatic nurser. However, if I am out running errands, I just try to find an out of the way place so that he is less distracted and so that I am comfortable.
I hope these little tidbits help you out!
11-02-2009, 06:01 PM
You can buy a BF cover, maybe that would put others at ease.
11-03-2009, 12:21 PM
Your husband should educate them about the most natural and wonderful food source that nature has provided specifically for your baby. Just because breasts have been glamorized by playboy magazine (and they are quite lovely) does not negate their functional and primary purpose. Have him talk some sense into them. Especially the women ... sheesh ...
11-03-2009, 04:58 PM
First, just wanted to say to lismom2 - you are always so helpful! It's so nice to have someone like you on this site. Regarding the OP, I have a somewhat similar issue with my in-law's, but my b/f is only a problem for them now because my daughter is 13 mos. old and my MIL is adamant that I should be done now. She never even breastfed any of her 3 kids, but she knows all about how I should make my dd stop b/f now. It's really irritating, but all I do is nod my head and do what I was doing anyway. I made the mistake of telling her about a month ago that I was going to try to wean, but then my dd got sick and now she's teething heavily and her pediatrician told me it's not a good time while she's going through all that stress. Anyway, even though you can't change the way your IL's feel about b/f, you should just let them know that it's something that you are going to do, so they have to deal with it. Good luck to you!
11-04-2009, 02:05 PM
Lisasmom IS always so helpful! Just a quick note to allisonb - I'm still nursing my 19 month-old, but have managed to avoid some of the criticism lately by saying that because it's cold & flu season, I wouldn't even consider weaning at the moment. If she has a cold, it's nice to know I can keep her properly hydrated. If she has the flu, I can also possibly be giving her the antibodies she needs to recover more quickly. A note to everyone else that has to deal with the naysayers...sometimes it's nice to gently remind them (or at least once,) that the World Health Organization recommends breastfeeding till at least 2 years of age. It's not for everyone, I'm sure, but for those of us who choose to go past 1 year, it's ridiculous to be criticized for such a personal issue.
11-04-2009, 04:12 PM
Well thanks ladies ;) I'm blushing in my office :) LOL!
11-04-2009, 06:23 PM
I actually recommend a conversation.... "it seems like you are uncomfortable with my bf, can you help me understand where the discomfort comes from?" or explain to them that youa re a new mom who is committed to bf for many reasons and in order for it to work for you you need support and to be able to do it when you are "on the go". good luck!
11-05-2009, 03:23 PM
So true Rosebud! I do feel better knowing she's getting my antibodies during this cold/flu season. That's what my mom tells me too when I tell her I'm being criticized (sp?) by co-workers or family about it. At least she's really supportive, having b/f 3 kids to at least 2 years old each.
11-05-2009, 06:16 PM
Would you all believe my MIL suggested I formula supplement while out and about? I am BF my DD no matter the place. I cover up so I agree if ppl see something they are closer than they should be.
11-05-2009, 10:18 PM
Lol I can totally relate to you. My husband and I have decided to do things a little different from everyone around us... and because we are young it is even more shocking to them. My parents and my in-laws were not supportive but I finally got to a point when I explained how great breast feeding is for my daughter and then told them that it was our personal decision. I didn't say they needed to necessarily support the choice but that they needed to let us do things our way and let it go. Good luck I remember how difficult it was but it gets easier!
11-07-2009, 07:55 PM
Thanks everyone!! I think I have siked myself up for the holiday's. It's gonna be a challenge.
11-08-2009, 01:57 PM
I plan on breastfeeding when my dtr is born, but its funny that my in-laws have a totally opposite view of b/f. My MIL is a LaLeche league member and my SIL pretty much whips out her boobs anywhere and in front of anyone to breastfeed without bothering to cover up much. It doesn't bother me, but I myself am a little more modest and plan on using a blanket or a nursing cover :)
11-08-2009, 04:08 PM
As a soon to be dad my opinion has been and is that as long as the mother covers up I see no problem what-so-ever. Your hubby needs to man up and tell mommy and daddy this is how you all do things, the benefits, and they really need to get over it because it bothers HIM and you. That should end it there.
Again, as long as the mom is covered I see nothing wrong. Some women think BF means they can pull it out and the public needs to ignore. I just think to respect everyone, especially if there are younger kids around, those parents may not feel comfortable with a boob out in the viscinity of their 10 year old boy for instance.
Good luck and congrats!
11-10-2009, 01:14 PM
BF is just not for everyone! It has nothing to do with your personal preference, but it is a personal issue! Your life, your decision, but don't think that others must participate! I am not speaking out against BF, but it is an act between you and your child. Unless, you are displaying in front of others for attention why do you care what they think! I am sure other people display acts in your presence that you could do without seeing! Maybe others just do not enjoy the experience the way you do!
11-10-2009, 02:00 PM
I would just tell them to grow up, that everyone from the American Academy of Pediatrics to the World Health Organization agrees with YOU on this subject, and that THEY are actually acting ILLEGALLY and see how that sits with them. Then continue to feed as you would normally. I have a pop on and off baby so I tend to feed in the car, if you are lucky to have one that doesn't expose you to much, then I say go for it and call the cops on anyone who tries to stop you. It IS illegal for them to do so!
11-10-2009, 04:24 PM
It seems that your IL's are not opposed to BF per se, but to BF in public.
I know you came to this forum for support. I know breastfeeding is a natural and beautiful (at least to the nursing Mom and baby!) event. But I'm going to go against the grain here and suggest that you respect other people's preference not to witness BF. If your IL's have expressed that they don't want to see you BF and there is a spare room available, why would you not BF in private? After all, the purpose is to give your baby nutrition, not to prove some kind of point to your IL's.
Please understand, I fully support BF (nursed my own babies more than a year each). But why are we so adamant to do it publicly? Society has its conventions. There is a list of perfectly natural bodily functions that we do not perform in public (I don't think I need to get graphic here). I went to lunch with my colleagues one day. At the restaurant, I heard a baby coo. I looked around to the next table. There's this woman, with a large breast completely exposed, nursing her baby. Forgive me, but certain ways of BF in public are inappropriate. (And other, more discreet ways are appropriate).
I hope I didn't offend you. But why don't you try to avoid making your IL's uncomfortable by BF'ing in private?
11-10-2009, 04:46 PM
Wow, there are so many responses already, but I totally have to put in my two cents' worth. When I first started nursing (I have 2 kids now) I was so nervous about offending anyone. I tried hiding in the back seat of my tinted-window car, I tried hiding in the bathroom, I tried using a cover. It was too cramped in the car with the carseat in the middle, it was too chancy in the sometimes gross bathroom, and as soon as they learn to swipe things away from their face (just a few weeks) the cover became a waving flag to accompany the already existing loud complaining and body thrashing drawing attention to the free peep show. So I sucked it up and just did it. Granted I am not someone to throw something in other people's faces, so when I am with my in-laws I go sit in a locked bedroom or office (my FIL is a senile pervert), when I am at a restaurant we choose a booth and I nurse on the side that is facing the wall, and when we are at a store I try to find a bench or changing room. That said (it totally sounds like I'm hiding, doesn't it?) if none of these options are available I just do the deed and get a kick out of people deliberately averting their eyes and remind myself why the heck would I want to spend money on formula when my boobs do it for free and take off weight in the bargain? Keep on truckin'!
11-10-2009, 04:53 PM
I do not understand what all of the fus is about when it comes to breastfeeding. I find that most breastfeeding mothers are very respectful of others when out in public and use a cover or blanket. I know people, however, who are so disgusted by it that they do not even think that is enough. I have seen women and heard them approached and asked to "take it to the restroom." I don't know about you ladies, but a woman has a right to have a life outside the home after childbirth, even if she is breastfeeding...and NO child should have to eat in a bathroom!
Basically, I think if you can be respectful enough to cover up (if family is not comfortable seeing you in your home or theirs) then they should get over it. If you are in your home and they are still uncomfortable, then make them leave the room!
11-15-2009, 01:46 AM
In a perfect world there would always be a place that was clean and private to BF. And babies that didn't get hungry while your at a restaurant in the middle of your meal... I just don't feel like I should have to sit at home just because I choose to feed my baby what's best for her, or that I should have to rush shopping, or go and sit in a hot car just because someone is offended.. The weird thing is the women IL's seem to be more weirded out by BF more so than my BIL's... Look at it this way..
You can go to the beach and see WAY more skin and probably more breast than a mother feeding her baby will show."not that I show any". And people don't have a problem with that do they??
I don't mean to go off but I'm just fed up with the double standers. The more I think about it the more angry I get... Back In the 60's or 70's they made BF to be a "bad" and "nasty" thing so they could push formula on mothers.. And I think to this day that stigma is still there to some point.. My hat Is off to the women that still BF there babies back then even though it was not the "in" thing to do.
There are many good points made about bf here, but I am wondering if that is what it is really about? Are your IL's critical of you in other areas, as well? If so, then I agree this is a matter for DH to clear up by explaining the positive benefits of bf, and standing up for you when you are being exiled. If not, then will someone keep you company when are sent off to bf?
11-30-2009, 08:55 PM
hey hon, just wondering how your thanksgiving went with your IL's?
Hope it went well. and was without bf drama.......hopefully one of these days they will grow up....
12-01-2009, 12:18 PM
your in-laws are basically ruining the joy of the motherhood by dumping their stupid and ill orthodox thinking on you.
12-01-2009, 08:25 PM
We get there and I tell them I need to feed the baby.. And the first question out of my SIL mouth is "in the car right" I got rather upset, stayed at the car and fed her then decided to BF her in public.
This is terrible the way that they want to "shoo" you away like that. They are only thinking of themselves, IMO, how rude.
I would simply say "Im comfortable with nursing her in public and Im doing a great job as her mommy." <------Thats a nicer way of saying "You are uncomfortable, deal with it, but Im not ashamed nor am I apologizing for putting my baby first."
Good luck! Ive nursed all three of my babes everywhere.
12-03-2009, 05:26 PM
The in-laws are a problem that needs to be solved, however, in a few months you will want to be in the back room or in the car anyways. Older infants get so distracted by what is going on around them that they pull on and off the breast many times, taking FOREVER to eat, and the only solution is the quietest environment possible. Good luck in continuing your journey as one of us exhibitionists :-)
12-05-2009, 04:41 PM
My daughter isn't born yet but I inted to BF when she is...for how long that part hasn't been decided. But as a personal choice I've decided that I'm not going to BF in public..I'm just not comfortable with my boob being out of my shirt like that, covered up or not. I'm willing to go through the extra hassle of pumping a bottle or two for outings to avoid my own discomfort of people looking at me and my baby.
12-07-2009, 01:30 AM
Well Thanksgiving went good! I invited the in-laws to our house this year. And they came up with every excuse as to why they could not make it. Mostly because it's out of there way, blah blah blah... And DH ended up working so I just went to my families and didn't have to worry.. BUT I did have a melt down with my hubby over his family or more so mil.. I've reached the end of my rope with it... Come to find out the day I got so upset. Come to find out my mil dropped a little "I hope that blanket don't fly off" My dh just now tells me.. So come to find out after he heard that he told her she had better NEVER say anything about me feeding our baby. No matter how when or where and that it was the best thing possible for our baby and she had better not get in the way of it... So I guess it's good to know lol! But I told him I was not tip toeing around her or going out of my way to be nice to her anymore. I told him if she said anything else to me I was not holding back and that he had better back me up, right or wrong! But I still don't like being around them after all this crap... Sorry I got on my soap box again! lol Just thinking about it ruffles my feathers... hehe
12-09-2009, 10:58 AM
U know I find it interesting how many ppl are grossed out by things that are natural. But when it comes to other things such as nudity on t.v. they don't care. It is hard to Bf, my first wouldn't latch and I felt like a failure. Because WIC demands that you bf and if you dont, that you will be the first to be cut. My second was latching but would only stick to one side and it hurt alot. I haven't done it for about 1 1/2 months. Now I am trying to restart and its harder than ever. Dont be ashamed to do it, it is natural and truly alot easier cause you already have the perfect nutrition for them. It makes you feel good when you know that you are the reason your child is growing well and healthy.
12-09-2009, 02:55 PM
Thats great RuthiesMom!
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