Legacy of Hypocrisy

[okasachan]

i've heard a lot of stories from men and women whose elderly mothers and began accusing them of crimes that never actually happened. a lot of times it was chalked up to alzheimers or senility. has this happened to anyone here? how do you deal?

this is happening to my mom and her mom. one day a few years ago, my grandmother was actually missing some of my grandfather's badges from war. she called the police and they said it looked like an inside job and left her to be judge and jury. so she went to my mom b/c she lives closest and has the most poorly behaved children and blamed her. she rallied all six of my mom's siblings against her and several years later, they only call her to yell at her whenever their mom has another paranoid episode. every so often my grandma will call to accuse mom of stealing her purse when she only misplaced it, or replacing her nice towels with ratty ones, or having followed her in her car all around town. it's torn my mom to pieces. she took it upon herself to get a lie detector test and passed it--however her family doesn't care. the dye is cast. she was recently written out of the will.

now, evidence shows that there is someone stalking my grandmother. there are more and more cigarette butts found in her side yard. it's a serious problem and no one's doing anything because they know my mom smokes marlboros so they think she's the one. my mom recently got a lawyer to look into qualifying grandma as incompetent, and to start a real investigation as to who is spying on her.

i say this is a legacy because my mother is doing the same accusatory behavior towards me. she's only 60 some years old, i don't think she's senile, but she's got this idea in her head that i hate her and want to kill her for her money and nothing i say or do changes her mind. she actually came to me to talk about how bad her mom and family has made her feel and almost in the same breath villainized and victimized me at the same time. i said "woah! let's do away with the hypocrisy!" and she said, "hyPOcrisy?! i KNOW this is true, and after everything i've done for you, you ingrate!" and totally went off the handle. i'm hereby breaking the legacy and never pointing fingers at my children, no matter WHAT they do. i feel like the only one in this house capable of forgiveness... and i think it has to do with the knowing that people are their own punishment and the best revenge is to leave someone to their own devices. that's what makes it easy for me to forgive.

[kfiedler]

Maybe not as bad as your as your situation, My dads Grandma had a sever case of demensia. She has 12 kids. 12! Anyway when everyone started moving out and starting families of there own, that is when she went over the deep end. She accused people of not loving her, and at 89 even beat up my Grandpa a couple of times, and didn't let him go anywhere. I can't remeber what the word is, but if is anyone was sick, she was convienced that she was sick too. She called the ambulance daily, and they would turn around and call my dad to see if they should go over there. She had disowned half of her kids because the wanted to put her in a home. My dad was in the process of getting Power of Attorney, when thing things strated to downward spiral. Sadly my Grandma did pass away and that was 4 years ago. Not saying it is a good thing at all, but my Grandma at 90 has never had so much freedom, her love going to see his kids at work, He owned a consturction company and sold parts off to his kids, who started there own company off of it.
On they other side my mom has a lot a emotional issue, past alcholism, and sexual abuse. Finaly just renectly my dad had an affair, because he could deal with her issues anymore, which is the dumbest excuss ever heard! Anyway they are in the process of devorcing, and with my dad out of the picture things have been pretty crazy. LITERALY! My mom has her good days and then horrible days, when "no one makes me happy, I want to DIE, I hate everyone, and you, you hate me, your doing everything on purpoes to make me miserable.. WHY?" Seriously.. How do you answer a qusetion like that. Anyway, I think they might be on the right track with my moms meds. We seem to be having less days like that, so we haven't had to take any extream actions, yet. But I do wonder that some day I will call her and she won't answer.
I don't think there is a easy way of dealing with situations like ours, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Where I live for my Grandma you really had to prove that she was crazy or a threat to my Grandpa, and how they determined that was if she knew where she lived and what the date is.
For my Mom she is no stranger to phsyctriactric hospital. And the Dr's feel that know she needs to know that she is loved, so they don't feel it is the right place for her right now. I say I am stressed to the max, having a week without wondering about her saftey would be kid of nice. I try to keep a sense of humor over all the chayos, and remind my mom constanly that I love her. But like I said she does seem to be heading down the right path.
If it gets worse then someone will be unhappy about the results, but we will deal with it when we get there.

[Cynister]

Okasa, it sounds like mental illiness. I hope you don't blame ur childern in the future like ur grandma/mom do but it may be unstopable. I would do my best if I were you to have grandma & mom tested. If I thought my grandma was being stalked I'd take one of those cigerattes for DNA testing at a later date. Then I'd clean up the cigs & keep note on when they appear so I could stake out grandma's & see the stalker. Have a camcorder & my cell phone in hand so I'd have proof for the police.

Has it occured to you that since ur mom is slipping that maybe she is the stalker?

My father has dementia, so far except for some delusions like seeing/talking to his dead wife he's okay. I am not looking forward to what lays a head. I live about 30 minutes away, my sister lives in his basement apartment & my brother lives up the block from him. My teenage brother & sister live with him but I can't see any of them taking care of him. I know the time will come when he will have to live in a home. It's gonna be a fight with my sister cuz in NY when u move into a home u sign away ur belongings I.E. the house she lives in. So that will be a problem cuz if he signs it away to her (even though he's leaving it to ALL his kids in his will) I know she can't afford the taxes or anything. Hubby doesn't want to deal with that & has already made it clear that they will have to either buy me out or sell the house. It's all too complicated.