Hi.

[MommyToConnor]

Okay, I'll try not to talk too much. This is embarrasing and hard for me to talk about.

I'm 18 years old. I have a one year old son named Connor. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. My whole childhood I remember my life goal was just to be happy. That's it. I was abused by family in every possible way. I got pregnant at 16 so my boyfriend at the time could marry and I could get out of my situation. It worked. I feel so disgusting all the time. I have stretch marks now and I can see that my husband of a year and a half doesn't look at me the same anymore. We're barely a couple anymore. We fight worse than anyone I know. We tried marriage counseling but my husband thinks the counselor and I gang up on him. Most of my time I spend wondering why I'm with him anymore. I usually don't feel in love anymore but when we fight and he threatens to leave, I feel suicidal and I can't see my life without the wonderful man who has saved my life. He makes me feel bad every single day and he doesn't even realize he's doing it half the time. I should feel safe now, right? I'm not abused anymore. I'm in a much healthier atmoshpere. I just feel like a failure as a wife, mother and human being...

Sorry if it's long. Any advice? I've been to countless therapists and I've tried medications. Nothing helps. I just want to be a happy and healthy person and be a good wife and mother. I even want to have another baby within the next year.

[Zack_Jenn]

I wish I had some good advice to give you, but it sounds like you have been trying to do all the things I thought of to help. It mostly to me sounds like you need to work through the issues you left behind by getting married. I was abused by boyfriends before meeting my husband and sometimes those issues still arise when I least expect or least want them to. The best thing I have found is to be completely honest with myself and talk to someone about them, usually my husband.

[MommyToConnor]

I did talk to my husband and it went so bad. He started yelling at me because he claimed that I was ignoring him by not agreeing with him. I told him how inadequate I feel and he said I was wrong and expected me to feel better after that. Then he started bringing up what I do to upset him and how him talking to me just wasn't good enough for me. Of course it wasn't good enough when at first he'd say "You're a good mother" and "Connor loves you" and then say "What, you don't believe me?" and then arguing with me. After that, he made it all about him and stabbed himself in the arm a couple times with a pencil to get "revenge" on me for feeling so bad. Then later he cried out of guilt. Now he's sleeping it off and I take care of our baby. That has been my day so far.

[The Loud]

Wow, that sounds very difficult. My heart goes out to you.

It sounds to me like your husband really wants you to feel better, but he can't do anything about problems that trace back to before he met you. He loves you very much, and he's frustrated that he can't express his love in a way that solves your problems. That's what the stabbing himself thing looks like to me. It's like he's thinking, "Words aren't working, so maybe this will work. I'm so desperate I'll try anything."

I'm guessing that stretch marks probably have nothing to do with him looking at you differently, if he even is. It's possible that, if he looks at you differently, it's because he was really hoping that he could make you happy once he rescued you from your terrible childhood home, and he's feeling like a failure that he hasn't managed to fully rescue you yet.

As the way he's currently expressing his love for you isn't working for you, can you think of a different way he could express it? Maybe, for example, you just need him to listen, not talk. Maybe you need him to hug you. Whatever you need from him, you need to tell him directly, since his guesses are completely off the mark. You could also ask him what he needs from you.

Marriage counseling can work (it worked for my husband and me) but both partners have to believe in it. If your husband doesn't like this counselor for whatever reason, you need a different counselor. Maybe your husband could find one he likes better.

[Zack_Jenn]

I hope that you don't believe it is normal for your husband to stab himself with a pencil. It sounds like you both need some counseling as a couple and as individuals. I hope you find the help that you need. Please keep looking.

[kare.bear]

Talk to your doctor about your suicidal thoughts. I know you said you've been on medication, but it isn't helping. You may need to try another type of medication before you find one that works for you (sometimes it takes several to find the right one). Also, don't give up on therapy. Keep working on you... You can't change your husband, but you can concentrate on your health.

It also looks like you are searching for validation from others to make you feel better. That rarely leads to a healthy outlook. You have to find another source of validation. Faith is a big one that comes to mind. Or, some find identity in a skill or hobby. Don't expect your husband to fix you. YOU must fix you.

I would recommend holding off on another child until you feel you are in a better place emotionally. The extra stresses associated with another child could overwhelm you even more. Keep hounding the doctors for help, keep working with a counselor. Years of abuse, like you have had, are typically not a quick fix. You have a lot of work ahead of you to overcome this, but you can look back at your past some day and see what a strong, beautiful person has emerged from all this turmoil.

Peaceful thoughts to you.

[MommyToConnor]

The Loud, I know my husband means well. I think my son just needs to stop talking and simply listen. After we both calmed down, we started calling some doctors. He has an appointment set up and I think I want to find a specialist who covers post traumatic stress. I don't know if I have PPD, though. I don't know if a woman can have it if she was depressed before she even got pregnant. Wouldn't it still just be depression? I know I'm pretty skinny, but I just don't look the same. My husband and I don't have sex too much anymore, especially because it still hurts me. I have no idea on that one... I just want to feel sexy and special.

Zack_Jenn, I know what my husband did was not normal at all. We both have a history of self injury, so this was a major setback.

kare.bear, I wasn't expecting my husband to "fix" me. I just wanted to tell him how I feel and get some support, not validation.

Anyway, my husband and I talked again and we've decided to try to get past all the pain we've caused each other. We've emotionally beat each other to the ground. I hope I can not only forgive him for the hurt he's put me through, but especially forgive myself for what I've done to him. Does anyone have any tips on how we can move on?

Thanks for listening to me, everybody. I appreciate it.

[puddin_pops_mama]

Anyway, my husband and I talked again and we've decided to try to get past all the pain we've caused each other. We've emotionally beat each other to the ground. I hope I can not only forgive him for the hurt he's put me through, but especially forgive myself for what I've done to him. Does anyone have any tips on how we can move on?

MommyToConnor, I think you need to solve your individual issues before you can tackle your issues as a couple. Your husband is your partner, not your therapist - he can't be looked to to fix things for you (nor can he look to you to solve all his problems). I'm not saying that's what you're currently doing, but it's how I've handled my own issues of depression and anxiety without mistakenly thinking that my husband innately knows what's going on or contributing to the problem.

Also, it has really helped me in arguments/discussion with my husband that we keep it to one issue, one matter that we want the other person to understand or confront. This way we're not lumping other matters or past issues in with every discussion. This keeps the discussions focused.

Oh, and a history of depression puts you at a greater risk for PPD. Having dealt with a history of depression and now facing a diagnosis of PPD, I can tell the difference between the two. I'm not sure if depression and PPD is different for every woman who experiences both, but the two are different for me.