Planning Since I was 12

[cdkjpm]

Since I was a little girl I could not wait to grow up, get married and start a family. Its been my dream to have 4 children and a loving husband. I've been married for 3 years and I'm turing 29. We have not started a family. I want to have a child now but my husband says he is not ready. I've been waiting VERY patiently for him to "get ready". There is not a single minute that goes by that I do not think about a child. My heart aches incredibly just thinking about it and I've even cry sometimes cause I want a family now! Every friend and family member tells me they can't wait for me to have a child because I would be the best and most proud mom on this earth. Yes its been a long 3 years of marriage trying to work on our relationship making sure its stable before having children and this past year has been just fine. We recently had an argument because my hesband told me "we're not ready" and really he means "he's" not ready to have a child yet. I was so mad I was ready to just move on with my life and leave him. But after a week of settling down I knew it was irrational thinking. We really need both partners in this together. But really how long do I wait???? I want kids about 3 years apart. I'm going to be almost 40 years old when I have the 3rd child if we start now! What do I do? What I can do or say to my husband to get him want to have a child now?

[Jill_at_StorkRadio]

Wow, sounds hard. You had a real vision for what you want and right now are not able to realize it. Perhaps speak with him about his fears, ask him what being ready means to him, and what it would take for him to transition from not being ready to being ready. That way you may feel better if you know of some concrete steps or things that will eventually get the process in motion. If it is really important to you, which is seems that it is, talking about it with a therapist could help too. Good luck.

[NaomiK]

Try finding out why he isnt ready. Is he scared? Doesnt want to give up his freedom? Does he think he wont be a good father? Does he have something from his childhood that he hasnt gotten over? Find out why and go from there. I honestly dont know if anyone is really "ready". Especially men (no offense). Its a scary thing, but once you have that baby...well, it all works out

[vbrown1376]

You might need to be flexible and patient marriage is all about compromise but at a certain point you need to hold onto your dreams and plans if he doesn't want to have kids with you then maybe you need to think about moving on (or out)... I'm having a similar problem with my husband except I play your husband(sorta)I don't want any more children (love adoption just no more biological) he does. What's the verdict...well let me know what you do when you find out and I'll do the same.



O&there is always the classic 4get2 take you pill and seduce him during your ovulation

[ivorobyova]

I think you should talk with your husband about it again. You should ask him when he will be ready and let him to decide this date himself. Just explain that it is important for you to know this date to be ready too. Do not press. Let him think for a while if he needs.

[liamsmom1]

i think you should just stop using birth control and not tell him. hes never going to say hes ready, you need to make him ready. once you get pregnant and then have the baby he will realize that hes ready and he will be glad.

[coralstrr]

No one is ever perfectly ready. I totally understand you fear as I myself am 29 years old. I want to have a second child before 35, well before 35 as I had a very complicated pregnany and I don't really want Advanced maternal age added into the mix. With that being said we really are not financially ready to TTC now. Everything in our lives happened all at once last year we bought a house, got married and had a baby. I think he needs to understand that you'll never be 100 percent ready and understand that you can not make babies forever he can.

[excited4mommyhood]

Oh, boy. This is tough.

I know how you feel. I am 29 and in just about 3 weeks, I will also be married for 3 years. And about a year ago, I could have written nearly this same exact post...

Both my husband and I want children very much. I would have been thrilled to ditch BC and start trying on our honeymoon. DH wasn't ready, he wanted to get a better job, buy a house, etc. At the time, I almost felt like babies weren't a priority to him...until after countless arguments and discussions, I realized that he wanted a family nearly as badly as I did, babies WERE a priority, which is WHY he wanted to be a good provider before hand. Call it barbaric, cave-man-like if you will, but he wants our kids to be raised in a far better economic situation than he was...

We are now trying slowly but steadily for #1, and I've gone from completely obsessed with babies to just as excited, but enjoying the process, the journey, as well. I don't think I've ever been happier :D

Please consider talking to him again, and again and again if necessary, and try to ascertain WHY he doesn't feel ready. I firmly agree with and believe what you said about being partners - you have to be on the same page for everything! No one is every 100% "ready" for any life changing experience - marriage, relocation, pregnancy, etc. You just need to know what is holding him back...

Personally, I could never stop BC and get pregnant on the sly. To me, that seems incredibly dishonest and mean. I would feel so guilty forever, that's not how it's supposed to be! I can't wait to share parenthood with my husband!

Good luck and keep us informed :) I hope everything will work out!

[castrodo]

Hi I hope it's not so late!!Listen your story is similar like mine used to be. I'm 31 years old, married 7 years. Never had a problem I loved my husband and he loved me. Year by year I told I really want have a baby he said exactly same as yours" not ready for a child" I believed him for many year until I thought Im not getting any younger and I don't want my life to be on risk. I ultimate him If you don't want a family with me so we not meant to be. He looked at me I was so serious situation and I think he never saw me that serious before. He believed on me and told me we will start trying. Today I'm expecting a baby and make thing hard then before but we both now that it will be tough but not to tight. Of course our life will change but for something good "baby"

Good luck with everything and be patience

[bluegrassmom]

Sounds just like my hubby. I wanted to have kids right away and have 4-6 of them. He wanted to wait a few years until he was "ready" and only have 2 kids. We've been married 3 years and I'm pregnant with #2. Basically, we had an oops with our first 7 months after getting married and he HAD to be ready for kids. The second was kinda an oops too, but I was totally ready for it. And once again, he has no choice but to be ready. Sounds terrible, but you may have to "slip up" with the birth control if you want a baby now. Once that baby comes, he's not going to want to send it back. My grandpa didn't want any kids, but my grandma "forgot" to take her birth control and got 4 kids. And he was happy with them all.

[dlhahn]

Please tell me you seriously aren't planning on "tricking" your husband into having a baby by stopping your BC. Did you talk about having kids before you got married? This is something my husband and I talked about before we got married and we both knew that we wanted to have kids in the future. My husband is 6 years older than I am and he says he's ready to have kids. Until recently, I wasn't. I was being selfish and didn't want to give up my "me" time. We started TTC in July and it hasn't happened yet. We have been married for three years and I will be 28. He kept telling me he was getting old. I told him, "to bad". That may sound mean, but I knew I wasn't ready. I know you have your plan all worked out, but sometimes the best laid plans don't work out. Would you seriously think of leaving your husband because he isn't ready for kids at this moment? Didn't you say "For better or worse" when you got married? It sounds like you really want these kids, but aren't willing to listen to what your husband has to say. Before you do anything, you need to talk to him about what he wants and why he isn't ready for kids yet. If you can't communicate about this, what will your future hold when there are decisions to be made about the kids that you "tricked" him into having? Do you want your kids to grow up with parents who aren't mature enough to talk through their problems? Sometimes God has another plan for you other than the one you worked out.

[brinkmannr]

I agree with others that you should not "forget" to take your bc. I can't imagine that your husband would be oblivious to that possibility and it will ruin the trust in your relationship. You should sit down and talk - don't accuse, don't argue, just talk. Explain to him again why you don't want to wait any longer and ask him why he does. My husband was worried about TTC until we talked about age (he was 33 and I was 28) and how old we would be when our potential children would reach certain ages. He realized that he didn't want to be the "really old" parent (his words) and that we should get started. Now we have a beautiful 9 month old daughter.

Also, I have the following questions: Did you discuss your long-term plans w/ your husband before your marriage? If so, what did he say? If you didn't, why not?

[Lulu86]

I agree with not skipping birth control. If he was to even doubt that you did that that will be enough to destroy the trust between you. And if he was to ask you about it, what are you going to do? Keep lying the whole time? You would feel really guilty through your whole pregnancy, and thats not the feeling you want when you're pregnant. You want to be happy and excited with your husband feeling the same way.

My husband and I discussed children before marriage and he knew that I didn't want to wait after marriage. Once married he became scared of being a father, and didn't think he was ready but I couldn't wait more than 4 months for him to get ready because I knew he was scared of the responsibility and that he would never be ready. So I finally talked to him about it on a more serious note and told him that I was very ready and that its not fair to keep me waiting until he thinks he's ready. And I also told him about my fears of the TTC process taking too long and didn't want to waste time. And I was right about that one. We've been TTC for what is going to be 10 months now. So let him know that even though it might happen quick, there's even a possibility of it taking a while without anything being wrong. Also, there may be fertility problem( which I really hope you won't have) that might take a while to get under control. But most of all you have to let him know that he's not being fair by thinking only about what he wants. Good Luck and let us know what happens!

[RLTMommy]

i think you should just stop using birth control and not tell him. hes never going to say hes ready, you need to make him ready. once you get pregnant and then have the baby he will realize that hes ready and he will be glad.

This is TERRIBLE advise. Tricking someone into a child is psychotic and not in the best interest of the child.

You need to have a sit down heart-to-heart about this topic with him. If he is not interested in kids at all, you should move on. Try to keep an open mind and be willing to compromise on two instead of four, etc.

[ErinGirl]

My husband and I have talked about having a baby for over a year! We are finally on the same page with trying and we just started TTC this month. We've been married for 4 and a half years and of course I wanted one before him. He wanted to make sure we were financially ready for a baby and save save save. I think most men are just afraid of getting old and not being able to have the freedom they did when it was just the 2 of you. You never know how long it will take to get pregnant either, so maybe that's something you can talk to your husband about. My husband thinks he has super sperm and will knock me up right away. We'll see i guess! Good luck with convincing him.

[cdkjpm]

I can't thank you all enough for your thoughts and advice. Reading everyones reponses just makes me feel better and know that I am not alone. Since reading your responses I have decided to sit down and talk with him again. Come to find out he is a little "scared". Although he didn't come right out to say that I knew exactly. Why are some men afraid of "change" ? My husband says he does want kids, but wants to make sure yes financially stable (which we totally are, he just needed that reassurance I think). I needed to ressure him that just because we have kids doesn't mean he needs to stop having fun with friends. Sure life will be different but a good different I said. In response to some of those who have commented on stopping BC, yeah I would NEVER do that. Its just not right. No matter how bad I want a kids its not the way I want to bring a child into this world. But all in all it was a good discussion and sometime in the real near future I know now that we will begin to try! I am super excited!