View Full Version : Should I leave or stay
09-09-2009, 02:53 PM
Hi, to all of my fellow parents out there. I am contemplating a major situation in my life. I recently within the last six weeks have been afforded the opportunity to go to pursue one of my life long dreams. Doing this will require me to be over 900 miles away from my two year old son. At the current time his mother and I are not together and have not been in over three years. The issue is my son is very close to me and is dear to my heart. But staying where I'm at will only keep me in a struggle financially and emotionally. I plan to chase my dream so that I will be able to make a better life for myself and my child. What should I do? I really would like to hear from other dads who are in similar situations and I'll ask you how did you handle it?
I'm not a father but it sounds to me as though you've really already made up your mind and no one can do that for you. how often do you see your son now? how often will you get to see him if you move?
I think if you stay you may develop some resentment for not chasing the opportunity and that won't be good for either you or your son. I think so long as you still stay in contact with your son as often as possible then you should pursue your dreams.
09-22-2009, 12:52 PM
To me, being a parent means sacrifice. It means I'm never going to be Sheryl Crow and tour the road, and now is not the time to get my @ss in gear and pursue that dream because it would be at the expense of my children. I'm not saying you should give up your dreams, but if you're not going to see your child or extremely rarely see him for over 3 years, when you're very close right now. . . Well, that's not really a "better life for your child". Our children want us, and love. Not $ and things. And 3 years is a long time in the life a child. By the time you start coming around again, you will pretty much be a stranger. (speaking from experience as a child from this side). Also, what are the chances that 3 years from now, when you're making your dream, you're going to come back to where they are and settle down near him?
I understand the poster that said you may resent your child for having to way-lay your dreams. You should have thought of that before you had him and the only person you should be "resenting" for that is yourself, not your child! And don't you think your son will some day resent YOU for not being there? I guess it comes down to which you'd rather live with.
I don't think you should give up your dreams, but I also don't think the pursuit of your dreams should be at the expense of your children. If that means you have to post-pone that pursuit, then so be it.
Again, this is just my opinion and some things to think about.
09-22-2009, 01:33 PM
I don't think anyone can make this decision but you; however, in my opinion, yes children mean sacrifice, but if it is making a better life for your child, it isn't sacrificing anything, it is gaining. I got married, to a man who is not my daughters father because he was there for me, it meant I would never have the nuclear family, and it meant that I would have a lot of explaining to do later in my daughters life. But I felt it was the right thing to do. And you are the one who has to face yourself and your child down the road, so do what you believe to be right.
I agree with maryjade that no one can know what the right decision to make for you & your son, but you. That being said, I feel pretty strongly about what I'd do in that situation for me & my son. Here's why: My dad moved 5 hours away from home at age 18 to attend college. While he was there his dad was killed suddenly. He quit school to be with his mom & teenage sister. He spent two years getting them back on their feet, during which time he met & married my mom. 15 months later I was born. He spent the next 25 years working low wage, crappy jobs to support my mom, me and my 3 younger siblings. His dream was always to go back to school & become a computer programmer, but he put his family first. He passed way a few years ago & you know what was repeated several times at his funeral? "He loved his family more than anything." My dad gave me & my siblings a happy, stable, loving life. Now all four of us either have college degrees or are in school getting a degree. The three oldest of us are happily married & put our families first. And I whole-hearted believe that it is because of my dad's sacrifices. He made for sure that we had what we needed, always. He never missed a chance to tell us how important it is to go to school. But more importantly by "walking the walk" so to speak, he showed us how to put family first. Would our lives have been better if he'd gone to school instead of getting a job to support us? Possibly. But I know that I will always be grateful for the sacrifice my dad made for me. And I will use every opportunity I can to teach my son about the importance of school & family, in order to honor my dad's memory.
09-23-2009, 12:45 PM
I am married and have a step daughter in college, a 4 year old son and 8 month old daughter. I know from watching my son and husband that EVERY son needs a father. My son as well as your's probably worships the ground you walk on and to take yourself away from him thinking it would make his life better is a mistake. I get that the money is a big motivator but nothing can replace YOU in his life. Not expensive homes, cars and countless toys I'm sure you'd buy him. To stay involved in his life is the real gift. Don't think for one second you are replaceable. Your son is very young and parents only get a few years to really bond with their children. Once they reach a certain age they no longer care about spending time with their parents because it's all about their friends. A boy needs his father to teach him to become a man and if you are not around to do it who will? Your ex may find a new guy/husband and that man will become his dad. Do you want that? THink long and hard about the long term impact your decision will have. Best of luck to you!!
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